The pick: Two teams coming off week one losses will look to rebound in the week’s opening matchup. Ball That put up four goals against the Cheetahs and, even without Miles, has the offense to go toe-to-toe with Cup Size’s impressive array of talent. Will Green and Pete should be in this week so it remains to be seen whether one of them will move up to play with Jeff or if he’ll keep them together on the second unit to build chemistry. Regardless of what he chooses to do, Ball That has one of the most imposing forward lineups in the league but will have to pay more attention to the defensive side of the game if they’re going to pick up their first W. Meanwhile, on the other side, Cherie, Gene, bigger Rosen and Tarzan will have to put more on net and protect their own if they can pull off the upset. They were surprisingly shut out by the Browns last week but Tim K has been known to do that (bastard). It’s a tough game to call but I would probably parlay Ball That and the over (if this was a real sportsbook that allowed parlays).
The pick: Both teams will be dealing with significant personnel losses in this one. The Warriors will be missing Probie, Charlotte and Nicolette while Luke and Alyssa will be out for the Browns. This matchup also pits former Warriors Julie & Rich against many of their former teammates as the two left to form their own franchise just a few weeks after winning the championship together. Who will come out on top this week? Will Derek drop the gloves with Julie? Is Rich actually playing this season? Much to ponder here, but this Browns team is for real and even without Luke and Alyssa, there is enough to like here with Tim K, Brad and the Blakwolf to pull off a second straight win for the good people of Cleveland.
The pick: The annual Fireball Bowl goes down at 8:20 PM with intermittent trips to the toilet scheduled for the following three hours. These teams, albeit with different personnel, faced off three times last season with Sexy sweeping all three matchups. It’s a brand new season but the blue team looked strong last week in putting up seven goals on a shorthanded Warriors squad. The Hippos, meanwhile, jumped out to a quick two goal lead and held on for a tight 5-3 victory over the Parrots, spoiling their first game in franchise history and making the purple team remember that they are, in fact, the least successful franchise in Nickelodeon history. The Hippos are significantly improved over last season with Hicks bringing back Cheeky, Lee, Adam, Michelle, and Zisser while augmenting the roster with Ariel, Roberts, Marcella, Kelsey, Sweet Baby James and a host of exciting new talent. This is a faster and more defensively responsible team from last year and they won’t be nearly as bad as Rich immediately told Hicks they would be on the draft conference call, but it won’t be enough to save Brian from taking a page out of Russ’ book and providing Fireball for the people.
The pick: If this battle was to actually go down in the animal kingdom, the line would have to be closer to something like Cheetahs (-50000), meaning if you bet $20 on the Cheetah to maul the Parrot you would win 4 cents back. Lucky for LJ, however, this matchup will not be adjudicated in the jungle but on the sportcourt where her team stands a much higher chance of pulling the upset. Last week they fought back from an early two goal deficit to actually briefly hold a 3-2 lead before the Hippos took over and won the game on the Lee Becker snipe that shocked the world (props to Adam for the big assist only four minutes after falling on a one timer attempt). The task at hand for the Parrots will be much tougher without their top draft pick, Campbell, although Ed is more than capable of keeping them in the game. The Cheetahs will have most of their roster in tow but are using a sub in place of their all-star female starter, Sena who last played ball hockey at Burning Man and is probably still recovering from whatever she did to her body that weekend. The Parrots are a feisty bunch, and those aforementioned Legends stats may be a bit deceptive considering there are no blue barricudas or silver snakes in this league to beat them down the steps of knowledge, but the Cheetahs have never lost a regular season game and I don’t expect them to start tonight. Under the bright lights of the primetime game, I’m picking Jo’s gang (otherwise known as fake Poutine) to take this one 5-3.
*When you bet on -150, it means you would have to wager $150 to win $100 (plus your initial bet back). A bet on +130 would mean you risk $100 to win $130. Thus, if you see one team at -140 and one team at +110, it means that a bet of $100 on the favorite would get you $71.43 back (plus your initial hundred), while a bet of $100 on the underdog would get you $110 (plus your initial hundred back). EVEN means a bet of $100 gets you $100 back. Over/under bets are on total goals in the game and have been listed separately to avoid confusion. In the event of a shootout the winning team is credited with one “goal” for standings and over/under purposes.
** Contact Hicks if you have a gambling problem