Purple Parrots (-140)
My Cup Size Is Stanley (EVEN)
Over 8.5 Goals (+110)
Under 8.5 Goals (-150)
The pick: Two teams who absolutely need a win in the worst way kick off week three at 6:30. The Parrots were barely taken down by the Hippos in week one before getting dispatched by Jo’s Cheetahs last week. The Cheetahs are tied for the best record in the league and the effort against the Hippos looks much better in retrospect after they went on to win the Fireball Bowl last week. The Parrots might actually be good and they’ll finally be icing a (mostly) full team, with Hogg, Campbell, LJ and Carlin all expected to suit up. Cup Size has similarly had two difficult weeks against two tough teams, the Browns and Ball That. Then again, it’s just possible that there’s extreme parity in this league which is why almost all the teams sound like a tough matchup. Jen’s bunch has looked somewhat dysfunctional so far this season but it’s also possible they just need a couple weeks to mesh. This matchup should be fairly wide open, but smart money’s on a multi-goal performance from Hogg and a successful run through Olmec’s temple for the Parrots.
Cleveland Browns (-120)
Team Sexy (-120)
Over 6.0 Goals (-125)
Under 6.0 Goals (-115)
The pick: Last night was a big one for the city of Cleveland who celebrated as if it was their first win since 2016 despite the fact that the ball hockey Cleveland Browns are 2-0 this season. They’ve cruised to two regulation wins by a score of 8-1 and have looked impressive doing it, seemingly ahead by multiple goals early in both matches. This game will be their toughest test so far against an undeniably sexy squad coming off a tough OT loss. Unfortunately for spectators and District Five fans across the country, both Luke and Avery will be out for this matchup but both teams have a bevy of talent up and down the lineup, anchored by two of the best goalies in the business. The Browns have looked like a well-oiled machine for the first two weeks, but they’re a different team without Luke and with Alyssa and Rockoff still out of action til October, the shorthanded boys and girls in blue should have enough to pull out a win. Over/under for true sickos only.
Hungry Hippos (-210)
Ball That (+150)
Over 8.0 Goals (-135)
Under 8.0 Goals (-105)
The pick: The Hippos, coming off an emotional win last Friday that caused Hicks to alternate between crying and smashing fireball shots for over three hours, will look to continue the first winning streak in franchise history against Ball That. While the Hippos will be fielding most of their lineup save for Barch subbing in net for Zisser, Ball That will be missing most of their top players including Jeff, Alexa, Miles, Will and Andrea. In their place will be a host of random subs including the potential D5 debuts of the Teytelbaums. This is a tough one to handicap considering the subs are still TBD, but we’d expect the superior team chemistry of the Hippos to prevail in this one.
The Varsity Warriors (+170)
The Charging Cheetahs (-240)
Over 7.0 Goals (-110)
Under 7.0 Goals (-130)
The pick: The Warriors won the first District Five title last season but have been suffering for major post-championship hangover thus far this season. Probie has been absent since game 1 while Charlotte has yet to play a game this season. Tonight they will also be without the services of Sebastian, Emma and Samara and hope that a ragtag group of free agents will round out the roster and help them get their first victory of the season. Unfortunately, they’ll have to do it against the first place Cheetahs who have looked highly impressive thus far this season and, as I keep reminding you, have still never lost a regular season game. Odds are, against a group of people whose identities I don’t even know yet and who have for sure never played together, it won’t happen tonight.
*When you bet on -150, it means you would have to wager $150 to win $100 (plus your initial bet back). A bet on +130 would mean you risk $100 to win $130. Thus, if you see one team at -140 and one team at +110, it means that a bet of $100 on the favorite would get you $71.43 back (plus your initial hundred), while a bet of $100 on the underdog would get you $110 (plus your initial hundred back). EVEN means a bet of $100 gets you $100 back. Over/under bets are on total goals in the game and have been listed separately to avoid confusion. In the event of a shootout the winning team is credited with one “goal” for standings and over/under purposes.
** Contact Hicks if you have a gambling problem