District Five Championship
Goonies (+130)
Winter Is Coming (+190)
Purple Parrots (+220)
My Cup Size Is Stanley (+220)
The Charging Cheetahs (+270)
Hungry Hippos (+270)
Rainy Day Kids Club (+400)
Chosen 1s (+450)
Comments: Heading into the home stretch, the Goonies are the clear favorite to win the cup. Last season the Cleveland Browns ended the season 4th in goals scored, 1st in goals against, 1st in goal differential and with eight wins (six in regulation, two in OT) and only one regulation loss (to Team Sexy). This season the Goonies are 2nd in goals scored, 1st in goals against, 1st in goal differential and currently have seven wins, two of which were in OT. Sound familiar? Even weirder, they have a game and a half left; in the half game, they are down 3-1 with 6:03 left in the 2nd to Cup Size. If Cup Size can hang on to win that game and the Goonies beat the Hippos in their regular season finale, they will have an idential six regulation wins, two OT wins and one loss, with the goals against and goal differential titles near locks at this point. What’s more, by having at least the #2 seed clinched already (and the #1 seed looking like a 95% probability), they move directly into the final four and only have to win two games to win the championship. It will be an uphill battle for any team to beat them but if the current standings hold they would probably have to get through Cup Size (who is leading in their half game), the Cheetahs (whose speed gave them fits despite the 3-0 score) and possibly either the Parrots or Winter (both of whom took them to OT). It won’t be an easy road no matter what happens, but they are the clear favorite at this point. However, with every team getting a chance to play their way into the finals, anything can happen.
Team To Score The Most Goals
Winter Is Coming (-190)
Goonies (+170)
Field (+700)
Comments: This one is down to a two horse race. Blue has 26 goals with three games left, while white has 27 goals (28 with their tally against Cup Size that is not reflected in standings) but only one and a half games left. The Hippos are 6th out of 8 in goals against so anything can happen but it will take a herculean effort from Shirtless Rob Meehan and the Goonies to win this one as well. The Hippos have an outside chance with 19 goals and three games left but it will take more steroids than Hicks can afford to make that happen.
District Five Scoring Title (Goals + Assists, Regular Season Only)
Derek (-120)
Probie (+115)
Luke (+200)
Hicks (+440)
Sweet Baby James (+600)
Cobra/Tadpole Jack (+600)
Mike Tarnow (+1000)
Field (+1500)
Comments: Summer ’18 scoring champ and holder of multiple records Ben “Probie” Probert has made a late push to make this an interesting race. Since almost breaking his foot, then getting an 11th hour medical reprieve Probie and the Kids Club have been on fire, winning two straight games to climb out of the basement and with Ben racking up points at a rate that would be sure to get him laid if he wasn’t already dating someone. While he is technically tied with Derek in points at the moment, Derek has one assist banked in the half game against Cup Size that will be made up next week. However, even with the extra point, Derek has one and a half games left to play to Probie’s two. The goals tiebreaker may come into play here. Luke is #2 in all-time D5 points per game but his burgeoning music career and sex life make his attendance impossible to forecast, while Hicks is putting up the best season of his career but will not be around for next Friday’s makeup and thus only has two games left to play as well. Roommates SBJ and Jack sit tied at six points each, but SBJ has two points in his half game against Cup Size (what’s with that team and half-games?) while Jack has three games left to play next week. Tarnow is a nice guy and has offered to potentially help the league with stat tracking but with only one game left to play he’ll have to throw down a monstrous effort while enlisting a Tonya Harding-esque assault against all the aforementioned players to have a chance at the top spot. If he does that, I may need to take back my description of him as a nice guy.
Ladies Scoring Title (Goals + Assists; Regular Season Only)
Cherie (-160)
Julie (+165)
Nico (+250)
Field (+1000)
Comments: It should be no surprise that the top three female scorers in D5 history are battling it out for the ladies scoring title. Cherie and Julie are tied with five points, but Cherie has a point in the bank from the half-game. However, she’s been playing a lot of defense this year as team success has trumped her personal statistics in a late career Yzerman-esque performance. Julie has one game left but it’s against Team Coming who give up a lot of goals, and she has played less games than Cherie so if they are tied in goals and assists Julie would hold the tiebreaker. Nico trails both of them but, if she can make it next week, has three games left to play and could be a dark horse pick to win her first career scoring title.
Brian Leetch Offensive Defenseman Award (Goals + Assists; Regular Season Only)
Ariel (-130)
Gabe (+130)
AFrey (+180)
Hogg (+230)
Comments: Heading into the home stretch, Ariel is in pole position for defenseman’s points with a goal and four assists and three games left to play next week. Assuming his kids are vaccinated and don’t come down with measles, he’s the probable pick to win the Leetch award. Last season’s victor, Gabe “The Babe” Chenard, is right behind him with four points but only two games left to play (one full game and two halves). However, some of us have seen this movie before as he was also trailing the scoring race last season only to score a hat trick on the final day of the season. Alex, aka “the asshole writing this article,” has three points but three games left to play, while Hogg has attained late season eligibility for this award and also has three points with two games left. Heading into the final week of the season, the only sure bet is that none of these four players are going to play much defense as they all gun for that elusive $6 plastic trophy and with it, glory eternal.