Week 5 Box Scores (Summer 2019)

The Charging Cheetahs vs Cleveland Monsters

1st Period:
CLE (1-0) – Tadpole Jack (3) (assisted by Mike Warren)
CLE (2-0) – Zac Hogg (2) (SH) (assisted by Tadpole Jack) (12:28)
2nd Period:
CLE (3-0) – Jake Thorpe (1) (assisted by Patty) (10:05)
3rd Period:
CLE (4-0) – Jake Thorpe (2) (assisted by Tadpole Jack) (2:04)
CLE (5-0) – Zac Hogg (3) (unassisted) (3:55)
CHA (1-5) – Austin (3) (assisted by Nico) (4:56)
CHA (2-5) – Adam Gotterer (1) (assisted by Austin) (5:32)
CLE (6-2) – Mike Warren (2) (assisted by Julie) (9:25)

GAME NOTES:  The opening game of the evening saw the steady and experienced Cleveland Monsters take on the speed of the Cheetahs…from the start, this game was a Monsters romp. Tadpole Jack got the scoring started early in the 1st and, with his team killing a penalty and under a minute left, Hogg made a great individual effort to control the ball for like 15 seconds behind the net and then come in front to bury one and give his team a two goal lead heading into the intermission…Jake Thorpe scored his first two goals of the season to open the game up…early in the third was a sequence for the ages. First, there was the classic showdown between Punisher and Ass Eater (a tale as old as time) as Mikey broke in on a breakaway on Zisser. Zisser made the save, stopped the rebound and then made two more on the ensuing scramble. The action turned the other way where Hogg batted a pass out of the air, caught it, dropped it, then batted it out of the air again on the bounce for a goal. It would be the highlight of the week, if not for Cheeky’s breasts…the Cheetahs made it interesting late in the third with two quick goals to cut the deficit to three. However, after a well-placed timeout by Julie, the Monsters reasserted themselves and Mike Warren, the hockey legend and Michelle Ullman destroyer, buried one late to ice the game…Tadpole Jack had a goal and two assists and is currently tied for 3rd in the scoring race. Hogg is outside the top 5 but has a hat trick in a yet-to-be-completed game that is not counted in the stats which would actually put him at #1, unofficially…the Monsters will face the Bayside Tigers in the Friday night games, while the Cheetahs will look to regroup against an undermanned Puffins squad.

3rd – Mike Zisser (2 GA)
2nd – Zac Hogg (2G)
1st – Tadpole Jack (1G, 2A)


1st Period:
RON (1-0) – Dr Dangles (1) (assisted by Denis) (10:35)
RON (2-0) – Olivier (1) (unassisted) (12:51)
2nd Period:
RON (3-0) – Nurse Dangles (1) (unassisted) (1:22)
PUF (1-3) – Steve Rys (1) (assisted by Rachel Solgon) (9:41)
RON (4-1) – Meatbox (3) (assisted by Eli) (12:29)
3rd Period:
RON (5-1) – Cheeky (3) (assisted by Olivier) (9:40)

GAME NOTES:  Lee told me before the game that he would stand up on his podium and issue his decree. “Mr. Hicks-achev, tear down that condo!” Unfortunately for him, it was the Puffins that would be torn down on this night…Liz “Dr Dangles” Tremble got the scoring started early in the 1st period, prompting borderline delirium on her bench. Rarely have I seen a group so enthused about a 1-0 lead in a regular season game, but that’s just the kind of excitement that Dr Dangles inspires in her teammates and fellow homeowners…with 12 seconds left in the period the CONDO’S had a faceoff deep in the orange zone. Olivier won it and, not satisfied to just go into the break up a goal, made a great individual effort to win it, control it, take it to the middle and score to put his team up two…Creed buried a similar top-shelf shot early in the 2nd and asked if he could be called Nurse Dangles. His request is currently under consideration by the media, stats department and league at large…After Steve Rys scored his first career D5 goal from a tough angle, Hicks put his team back up 3 with just 31 seconds left in the period. Then, late in the game, Cheeky scored a goal and punctuated it with one of the most incredible celly’s you’ll see this summer, possibly in your life. If only Caitlin was there to do the boob-luge that the people were promised…this game was hella closer than it looks on the scoresheet but Casca earned that #1 star with a number of big saves. Zach Fein, who is on the Puffins, made a point to tell the scorer’s box after the game that Casca was the easy choice for player of the game…the CONDO’S would play again later in the evening against the first place Hooligans, while the Puffins will face the Cheetahs at 8:20 on Friday night.

3rd – Cheeky (1G w/ an epic celly)
2nd – Olivier (1G, 1A)
1st – Zak Casca (1 GA)

Goonies vs Green Street Hooligans

2nd Period:
GOO (1-0) – Joey C (1) (assisted by Amitai) (0:16)
GOO (2-0) – Amitai (1) (unassisted) (7:24)
GSH (1-2) – Carlin (1) (assisted by Jon Herman) (8:47)
GSH (2-2) – Probie (4) (assisted by Guido) (10:48)
GOO (3-2) – Mike “The Dentist” Yetter (2) (unassisted) (11:27)
3rd Period:
GSH (3-3) – Joey Bats Cafe (1) (unassisted) (4:50)
Shootout winner by Probie

GAME NOTES:  An early contender for game of the year saw the defending champion Goonies facing off against the first place Hooligans…after a scoreless first, the Goonies took the lead off the opening faceoff of the second when Joey scored his first of the season. Later in the 2nd Amitai scored his first of the season to give his team a 2 goal lead…just over a minute later, free agent Carlin struck again as she buried her first goal of the season in her 2nd game as an FA despite no goals for her regular team, a phenomenon that’s been observed in past seasons by numerous players, most notably Carlin…Probie tied the game with just over two minutes left in the period, but Yetter put his team back ahead with a snipe from the high slot…about five minutes into the third a giveaway in the Goonies’ zone led to Joey Bats Cafe getting an uncontested shot on net and burying it to tie the game. Matt was clearly not pleased by this turn of events and decided to relieve his stick of its duties by ejecting it from the premises…no further goals were scored in regulation or OT, leading to our 1st shootout of the season. Probie was the only one who converted and thus the Hooligans remain undefeated on the year…the Goonies will look to rebound when they face a depleted CONDO’S roster on Friday night, while the Hooligans would face that CONDO’S team later on Tuesday evening.

3rd – Amitai (1G, 1A)
2nd – Free Agent Carlin (1G)
1st – Probie (1G, SO Winner)

Green Street Hooligans vs RONKONKOMA CONDO’S

1st Period:
GSH (1-0) – Mike Pags (1) (assisted by Tracy) (0:16)
3rd Period:
GSH (2-0) – Jon Herman (4) (assisted by Guido) (2:27)
RON (1-2) – Meatbox Hicks (4) (assisted by Olivier) (3:25)
GSH (3-1) – Mike Pags (2) (assisted by Jake K) (4:11)
GSH (4-1) – Probie (5) (assisted by Mike Pags) (10:30)

GAME NOTES:  The second makeup of the rained out week two games saw the top two teams in the league duking it out for the lead in the standings…off the opening faceoff, Tracy batted the ball behind the net where Pags got it and wrapped it around. Casca made the inital stop but Pags jammed it in through the legs for a greasy, Poutine-like first goal of the game…Jon Herman scored his 4th of the season (tops among rookies) early in the 2nd, but just a minute later Hicks made a sweet move by Hildawg and buried a shot top-shelf to cut the lead in half. Gotta love the never-say-die attitude of Hill in throwing her stick at Hicks after he went by her, although realistically that prob would have been a penalty shot if she had succeeded. Pretty crazy slate of games when you make a play like that and you only have the second most notable stick throw of the week…Pags would answer Hicks’ goal with a rebound tally less than a minute later. After some cycling by green Jake K was wide open in the high slot and called for the ball. His slapper was stopped by Casca but Pags got the rebound and extended the lead to 3-1. Probie would add the insurance goal with two and a half left to put the game away…with the victory the Hooligans are in sole possession of 1st in both points and win percentage this season. They’ll bring a depleted roster into Cup Size Stadium on Friday to face the last place black team. The CONDO’S will be missing most of their roster but will try to notch an upset victory over a surging Goonies squad in the primetime game.

3rd – Meatbox (1G)
2nd – Probie (1G, 1A)
1st – Mike Pags (2G, 1A)

My Cup Size Is Stanley vs The Bayside Tigers

2nd Period:
BAY (1-0) – Joel (2) (assisted by Hammered Mikey) (6:30)
BAY (2-0) – Kelsey (1) (unassisted) (8:30)
CUP (1-2) – Tyler Becker (1) (assisted by Mike Tarnow) (10:06)
3rd Period:
BAY (3-1) – Joel (3) (assisted by Hammered Mikey) (6:40)

GAME NOTES:  The final game of the evening saw the dumpster diving league managers facing off as the 6th place Cup Size traveled to Bayside High to face the 8th place Tigers…the Tigers had the edge in possession throughout the contest but were unable to come through with any goals in the first. They had Mikey “The Punisher” Marron subbing in, but he was undoubtedly hammered and fell without being touched no less than three times throughout the game. Still, gotta love the hustle…the scoreless deadlock was finally broken exactly halfway through the 2nd period when Hammered Mikey took a rebound of a Caitlin shot and banked it off the boards. Joel immediately took the ball to the net before the Cup Size D could react and gave his team the 1-0 lead…just two minutes later, Gabe took the ball to the net but fortunately for Jenn it was knocked away by Tarnow. Unfortunately for Jenn, however, it was knocked directly to Kelsey who buried a shot through traffic for her first goal of the season…Tyler got Cup Size on the board shortly after when he got a pass from Tarnow behind the net and put it five-hole to cut the deficit to one going into the third…sadly for Tarnow, despite getting that sexy assist, it was a pretty unlucky game for him. He made another solid defensive play running back on a 3 on 1 and breaking up Mikey’s pass across to Caitlin. Rather unfortunately for him, the ball went right to a different Tigers player who put it through deLacy’s legs to give the Tigers’ a 3-1 lead they would not relinquish…Meg’s mom was in attendance for this one so unfortunately Caitlin and I had to be on our best behavior in this one and keep our hands to ourselves. I was also shocked to learn that her mom might booze more than she does. Can we get Ms Fortier on a team?…closing up the rink after the game demonstrated that the local residents of the Upper East Side are even bigger savages than our ball hockey community. I didn’t even think that was possible. It should be noted that Ariel, Jo, Sully and a few others are members of both groups…with the win, the Tigers move up to 7th and will look to keep the momentum going against the Cleveland Monsters on Friday. Cup Size drops to last and will hope to rebound in a tough matchup against the first place Hooligans.

3rd – Hammered Mikey (2A, 3-4 falls, 8-10 beers destroyed)
2nd – Kelsey (GWG)
1st – Joel (2G)

This is what passes for a date on 96th street.

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