Franchise Power Rankings: Green

The green franchise is one of the original six, one of only four (along with blue, black and yellow) to be led by the same person since inception and undoubtedly one of the most successful in league history, having won two championships (although Probie’s claim to the 2nd is a question that baffles league scholars to this day). Always competitive and explosive offensively (mostly due to the fact that they always get Probert), green looks to overcome an up-and-down 2021 and reclaim championship glory in 2022.

7) Spring 2019
Regular Season Record: 2-0-2-5 record (7th of 8)
Goal Differential: -10 (7th of 8)
Playoff Finish: Eliminated immediately

Notes: After finishing last in a Fall 2018 season which was pushed back so many times that we played the championship in sub-freezing December temperatures (still a league record), Probie went the rebrand route and named his team The Rainy Day Kids Club in an attempt to switch up their juju. Somehow, a team that finished last was arguably worse the following year as this squad struggled mightily in the one season Charlotte took off. Seeing this, Ben wisely proposed to her two and a half years later. Although they technically finished one place higher in the standings than the previous year, mostly by virtue of the Chosen 1s having a nightmare season, the Fall team gets ranked higher than the Spring for having Derek/Charlotte and because this team had Adam Herman score on them and immediately do the Teemu Selanne glove shooting celly at center ice. Ouch.

Wild celly but got booed by his own bench

6) Fall 2018
Regular Season Record:
2-0-1-6 record (8th of 8)
Goal Differential:
-17 (8th of 8)
Playoff Finish:
Eliminated immediately

Notes: After winning the championship in the inaugural Summer 2018 season with one of the most stacked teams in league history, Probie was feeling pretty good. He drafted Tim Burke again (this time in a tandem with Ed) in round 2, picked up Derek in round 3 and seemed well on his way to a possible repeat. Sadly, it all kind of went to shit from there as the Warriors lost their first four games by a combined score of 21-5. They stabilized late in the season and gave #5 seed Ball That a serious run for their money in the playoffs but it wasn’t enough and somehow a team with Probie and Derek finished in last place overall. It was the last time the two of them would ever be on a D5 team together again, most likely ever. Fun fact: this is also the only team I have ever subbed for and even though it was for Derek, everyone complained anyways. Come to think of it, that fact wasn’t fun at all.

Probably the highlight of this moribund season

5) Spring 2021
Regular Season Record: 4-0-1-5 record (5th of 7)
Goal Differential:
0 (4th of 7)
Playoff Finish:
Eliminated immediately

Notes: The return to play after the lost covid year allowed green to finally defend their title from Fall ’19 after an 18 month delay. An eclectic mix of scorers, physical players and the Glanzer family led this team to an up-and-down season which saw them finish in 5th place and secure a 1st round matchup with the 4th seeded Sex Panthers. They improved tremendously throughout the course of the season but it wasn’t enough to stave off a 6-2 opening round loss that led to Probert being allowed to keep his 1st rounder the following season for the first and probably last time ever.

Sweet goal but in general this team was even more confused than Ramy

4) Summer/Fall 2021
Regular Season Record: 7-2-1-5 record (4th of 8)
Goal Differential:
7 (4th of 8)
Playoff Finish:
Eliminated in final four

Notes: This team was a legit title contender; after the draft, the league sportsbook ranked this team as the 2nd most likely to win the championship after the Ducks and tied with the Barrel while Probie proclaimed that his team did not have a single weak link on the roster. He was correct on all counts and the Summer/Fall ’21 Hooligans were firmly entrenched at the top of the standings all season, notching wins over every team in the league. Probie and AK both finished top 10 in scoring while Corey held down the net and Jess finished top 10 in ladies scoring and would be annoyed if I didn’t mention that she and Dana were on this team (along with Probert favorites Charlotte/Shannon and Robyn submitting a strong rookie season even though her only previous hockey experience consisted of getting hammered with DRo). After an electric playoff win over the Hippos, they ran into a red-hot sex team and lost a tight final four battle but if not for a few bounces here and there this could have easily been green’s 3rd championship team.

3) Summer 2019
Regular Season Record: 6-2-0-1 record (1st of 8)
Goal Differential:
14 (1st of 8)
Playoff Finish:
Eliminated in championship game

This team came out of nowhere to absolutely dominate the regular season and was spurred by one of the boldest picks in league history when Probie took Jeff “Wildcard” Green over other more established goalies when no one had ever seen him play, solely based off the fact that this guy played in Canada and knew Sena. His confidence was swiftly rewarded as Jeff Green led the league in all major goaltending categories and remains the all time leader to this day. This team was just packed with speed and scoring punch and went into the playoffs as the clear cut favorite. After an insane 6-4 win over the Cheetahs that featured a 40 minute rain delay as players used paper towels to wipe the court, they lost the lowest scoring championship game of all time as the Goonies broke a 0-0 tie with less than two minutes left and added an empty netter to win 2-0. A tough end for a great team but least they gave us one of the best YouTube clips in league history.

2) Fall 2019
Regular Season Record: 3-2-1-3 record (4th of 8)
Goal Differential:
-4 (5th of 8)
Playoff Finish:
Won championship

Probably the greatest example of The Ewing Theory that I have personally ever witnessed, this team played the entire playoffs without captain and 1st round pick Ben Probert. Somehow this scrappy bunch, who finished the regular season in a middling 4th place with a negative goal differential, ended up banding together for an insane playoff run, first beating the upstart Purple People Eaters thanks to a well-timed mutiny of Jack, then dispatching the top seeded and heavily favored Cup Size en route to another major upset victory over the Hicks/Hogg led Hippos. Barch was simply phenomenal in this playoff run and became the first goalie to win the Adam Banks Playoff MVP Award while Danilo stepped up in Probie’s absence to give the team a true #1 center. The depth of this team stood out in the playoffs as guys like Metz, Riegler, Sanchick and the two Jakes made this a tough team to play against while the girl group of Andrea, Charlotte, Annie, Jess and Tracy was simply superb. Talent-wise, I don’t think this team quite stacked up to the Summer ’19 bunch but the way they gutted out those playoff victories without their 1st round pick earns them the respect of the 2nd spot on this list.

1) Summer 2018
Regular Season Record: 3-0-1-2 record (2nd of 6)
Goal Differential:
12 (2nd of 6)
Playoff Finish:
Won championship

Fall ’19 was an above average team for most of the year that got hot at the perfect time. Summer ’19 was the best team for basically the entire season but just couldn’t bury one in the championship. Where it all comes together is with the inaugural group, the OG Varsity Warriors, not just the best green team but without question one of the most talented teams in league history. Probert had a good draft, then was gifted Carlin as an extra lady before the season and on top of that was gifted Guido & Tarnow as midseason adds. With a roster that already included Probert, Derek, Charlotte, ScottyK and the original odd couple Julie & Glanzer, plus the Tim Burke/Showtime tandem in net, this team cruised through the regular season and won two hard fought victories over Cup Size and Team Sexy en route to the first D5 championship. Probert’s ass came out for the championship photo and probably stayed out for much of the night. I’m not sure exactly what went down into the wee hours of the morning but when he returned the trophy to me at a Tribeca Starbucks two weeks later, it was literally in several pieces and had to be replaced by the current D5 Cup. Truly a team for the ages, Probie goes into 2022 looking to reclaim the glory of Summer ’18 so he can actually be present for another championship and hopefully get laid once again.

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