Franchise Power Rankings: Black

The black franchise is one of the original six and the only one to never change its name. Unless something insane happens like Jenn losing both boobs in some sort of tragic accident, they likely never will. Well known for emulating the Demons’ gritty style of play despite the curious fact that D5 rosters change every season, black will look to make their first championship appearance in 2022.

7) Summer 2019
Regular Season Record: 3-0-1-5 record (7th of 8)
Goal Differential: -10 (8th of 8)
Playoff Finish: Eliminated immediately

Notes: Despite a nice collection of stars like Ariel, Tarnow and Meg in her rookie year, this team was a borderline dumpster fire. A few questionable draft picks coupled with shoddy attendance fucked this team before they even had a chance to get a glass of wine in (most unpleasant). deLacy was the #1 goalie the previous season but couldn’t do much to save this team. Jack can sleep soundly knowing he isn’t the only one to get mutinied in a playoff game as an unnamed player on this team refused to come off the court late in a playoff game. Yikes. Highlights of a rough season include Meg’s 1st career goal and Jenn throwing a highly illegal hip-check on Hicks.

6) Summer/Fall 2021
Regular Season Record: 5-1-2-7 record (6th of 8)
Goal Differential: -15 (7th of 8)
Playoff Finish: Eliminated in 2nd round

Notes: Not a terrible season per se but definitely a disappointment considering the rousing success the Jenn/Max partnership had coming off a strong Spring season that saw them finish 2nd in the regular season and lose a controversial Final Four heartbreaker in OT. This season they lost 4 of their first 5 and never really recovered despite a roster full of speedy forwards like Scotty, Neil & Jeff and a blueline headed by Brad and Joe. Lots of scorers but not enough playmakers to set them up as they averaged only 3.13 goals per game while the league average was nearly 4. They picked their game up in the playoffs with a blowout playoff win over the Royals before losing a heartbreaker to the Goaldiggers.

Geez, save some women for the rest of us

5) Summer 2018
Regular Season Record: 2-2-0-2 record (3rd of 6)
Goal Differential: 0 (4th of 6)
Playoff Finish: Eliminated in final four

Notes: The inaugural Cup Size team was better than you remember (if you remember that first season at all) with Will Green and Tarzan leading the offense, Sena back on D and Ramirez playing his lone D5 season that, to this day, still has him ranked #2 all time in GAA. They also had Casca playing as a forward in his rookie season, fresh off working on a cruise ship and crushing karaoke at Dorrian’s after every game, before taking the following season off and returning as the goalie you know today who loves making saves and hates people in his crease. After losing the opener 7-0, were neck-and-neck with the top teams throughout the regular season and ended up finishing in 3rd place, just short of the mini-bye. They survived a scare from the 6th seeded Bombay’s A Sham before falling 4-1 to the eventual champion Varsity Warriors. They did give us one of the first great D5 videos though from back when Morgen was using Rich’s camera and we were still figuring out how the videography would work. Ah, memories.

4) Fall 2018
Regular Season Record: 1-2-1-5 record (7th of 8)
Goal Differential: -16 (7th of 8)
Playoff Finish: Eliminated in final four

Notes: No way to sugarcoat it, this team was pretty damn bad in the regular season, losing their first two games by a combined score of 10-0 and finishing just one point ahead of the Warriors for last place. Although they did pick up a few impressive victories like a 7-6 Week 5 thriller, for the most part this team seemed on the verge of collapse throughout season due to a combination of shaky play and poor attendance by 1st rounder Joey Bats and 3rd Round Jen Ascencio. And yet, all that gets washed away by a truly electric playoff run where they won two games on the first night, both comeback victories, both in OT, both won by Cherie. All of a sudden all the pieces of a talented roster came together and they looked to be serious contenders. Sadly, they ran into (spoiler alert) the best Hippos team of all time and lost a tight 2-1 game when McQuade mauled their championship hopes the way he usually mauls unsuspecting players (generally either small blonde women or Ariel). The loss was made even tougher when JRo accidentally injured his own teammate Cherie in the waning minutes of the game; thankfully, she ended up being ok. Still, while they fell short of winning the championship, they had a pretty damn fine playoff run which moves them from abysmal to average in our cruel and unforgiving rankings.

After this videowas sent to the local police SBJ had no choice but to flee to Hawaii with his FBI handler/paramour, Krista.

3) Spring 2019
Regular Season Record: 4-1-0-4 record (5th of 8)
Goal Differential: -1 (6th of 8)
Playoff Finish: Eliminated in final four

Notes: A strong draft for Jenn led to her picking up a stacked team with Gabe, Hogg, Gene, Cutler and Casca playing his first D5 season in net. Somehow it never really came together in the regular season as they ended up finishing in 5th place, albeit only one game out of 2nd (we need to make parity great again). In the playoffs they faced an orange team that had struggled all season, finished last in both goals for and goals against and had to use a sub goalie (albeit one who was drafted higher than their own). Orange jumped out to a 2-0 lead and looked to be on their way to a shocking victory before black stormed back and, with 8 seconds left, the game was 4-4 and seemingly heading to OT. Gene, Gabe and Andrea had other plans as they combined to score one of the great buzzer beaters in league history. They would also beat a severely depleted blue team later in the evening before losing to the eventual champion Goonies in the Final Four. While they may not have won it all, Gene’s insanity after this goal will live on forever.

Some say Gene is still screaming to this day

2) Spring 2021
Regular Season Record: 4-3-0-3 record (2nd of 8)
Goal Differential: 11 (1st of 8)
Playoff Finish: Eliminated in final four

Notes: Before the season this team was ranked as the favorite by the D5 media/sportsbook to win the championship, and continued to be even after languishing around the middle of the standings for much of the season. Eventually, they put it together as they won three minigames on the final night of the season to vault from 5th to 2nd place and secure the bye straight to the Final Four. Once they got there, however, they faced a resurgent Crimson Wave team who beat them 2-1 in a controversial overtime finish en route to their first title, even with Meg in the hospital recovering from a non-hockey related surgery (at least that’s what her agent told me). With a roster featuring Ariel, Hogg and Tash, not to mention Neil leading the league in goals, assists and points while Max finished #2 in goaltending, this team has a legit claim as the best Cup Size team of all time. Just like with their title hopes, however, they were close but not quite there.

1) Fall 2019
Regular Season Record: 5-3-0-1 record (1st of 8)
Goal Differential: 13 (1st of 8)
Playoff Finish: Eliminated in final four

Notes: This team was a true juggernaut. First in points, first in goal differential, first in goals scored, first in goals allowed. They only lost one game all year and somehow it was to the last place Purple People Eaters in probably the greatest upset in league history as an absurd -400 favorite (for anyone who wasn’t there, that purple team was pretty damn bad). Black even won a shootout against the defending champion Goonies, who had Mike T subbing in, with Meg playing in net. This team looked to be borderline unstoppable but fell victim to Green’s Ewing Theory Season with a huge upset loss against the Probert-less Hooligans in the Final Four. Fans proceeded to burn down Cup Size stadium (population: double D) and the ensuing riots were enough to cost multiple people in the front office their jobs. Gabe was bought out of his contract shortly after the season, never to return to D5 again (probably). With over two years now elapsed since that dark day, Jenn enters the 2022 season looking to mend fences by retiring Gabe’s number (69), opening a new stadium and seeking her first ever appearance in the D5 Finals.

The Meguum

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