Notes: Standard disclaimer: I have absolutely no idea who’s playing in goal in this game. Bunch of goalies are out of town, bunch have covid, Zisser’s going to the Ranger game (while I will be stuck watching it in the scorers box on the TV that’s currently sitting in my bedroom)…since Zisser & Casca were drafted one pick apart I will probably just pick whichever goalies are willing to play and dole them out to these two teams. Glanzer suggested that he and Rob duke it out as shirtless old man goalies for each side which tbh is something I think we’d all like to see. He then suggested that for each save they make someone has to take off an article of clothing (someone else, not him and Rob). This all sounds great until you consider that with that caliber of goalie those women (or possibly men) would probably remain clothed for a very long time. While I don’t know who’s in goal, I do know that Derek is out for orange and that moves the line considerably. And then when you take into account that the last time these teams met green dominated 9-1 and that was WITH Derek…might be a long night in Royal-ville. I hope whomever I can pull into this game finds a way to channel Shesterkin and make this a game, but my inclination is Hooligans will cover the spread. I just hope Rich keeps his shirt on.
NHL Playoff Matchup This Game Most Resembles: Panthers/Caps. Two high scoring, exciting teams, but we all know who the favorite is.
Hungry Hippos (-130)
The Grapes (-110)
Over 8.0 (-120)
Under 8.0 (-120)
Notes: The latest chapter in this storied rivalry sees two households, both alike in beerpong, in fair D5 where we lay our scene. From ancient grudge, break to new mutiny, where preworkout blood leaves steroid hands unclean. From forth the fatal loins of these two foes a pair of star crossed captains, take their life. OK, this isn’t Romeo and Juliet (for the two people who understood what that was) and I really hope neither one of Hicks or Jack die because it would be a ton of paperwork and we have a lot of hockey to play this summer but both teams are short and just a few weeks after the beerpong showdown heard round the world, we have yet another massive game in the standings. A Grapes regulation win makes it almost impossible for the Hippos to get a top two seed and probably a coin flip if they’ll even finish top four while a Hippos regulation win puts them right back in the battle for a top two seed and gives them a season sweep of The Grapes. The last time yellow swept purple was in Fall 2019 when Jack was a first time captain drafting that godawful first patio team that finished in last while yellow made it all the way to the finals before losing in an upset to a Probert-less Hooligans. Both teams are missing a bunch of players as yellow has 9 while purple currently has 7 or 8. Can’t quite tell if this will be the standard 5v5 with short benches or a rare Tuesday night 4v4 showdown (those are usually reserved for Fridays). With AK among the absences for purple and Hogg subbing in for yellow I’m giving the Hippos the edge as Hicks will seek to demonstrate who the real pervert here is, hopefully while keeping his pants on.
NHL Playoff Matchup This Game Most Resembles: Wild/Blues. Two evenly matched teams who have known they’re facing off for a while. Jack loves Minnesota while Hicks will undoubtedly have the blues if he doesn’t win this game. Bit of a stretch, I’m really tired. Also I added the Romeo+Juliet prologue from the 1996 Baz Luhrmann movie. Has another movie ever started with basically a two minute trailer for itself as the prologue? Baller move.
The Blue Balls Of Sex (-145)
East River Kraken (+105)
Over 9.5 (-120)
Under 9.5 (-120)
Notes: In the first ever league game involving two teams both drafted by the same person, blue will face off against camo in a game I tried very hard to get moved but said move was denied by two players who are questionable to even play in this game. Some real irony there but in any case, both teams will be short (as seems to be the case for a lot of teams these days) as blue will have Alex, Sam, Corey, Sully, Joe, Kelsey, Ellie and Caitlin while Kraken lineups are impossible to pin down more than 30 minutes in advance but Danilo and Henry are definitely out (then again I’ve seen Danilo be “definitely out” and roll up a minute before puck drop so who knows). Braun will undoubtedly be looking for revenge on me for a) making him do attendance for Kraken every week and b) making jokes about his relationship with Jenna in half these previews but I think blue will be too motivated and locked-in in this one. Wishful thinking? Maybe, but that doesn’t mean it can’t happen. Balls over Krak, just like god intended.
NHL Playoff Matchup This Game Most Resembles: Toronto/Tampa. The defending champs, a grizzled veteran squad, against a young team of upstarts led by a dude (Matthews/Braun) with a dirty shot and an even dirtier mustache. Well, Braun’s stacheless at the moment (due to either work or Jenna demands) but his D5 trading card photo is truly something special. Also Tampa’s got a ton of strip clubs and that’s where blue’s championship party will be if we win it this season.
The Goaldiggers (-1000)
My Cup Size Is Stanley (+450)
The Goaldiggers (-3.0 Goals) (-155)
My Cup Size Is Stanley (+3.0 Goals) (+110)
Over 9.5 (-120)
Under 9.5 (-120)
Notes: On paper this is a complete and total mismatch. In one corner we have the 1st place team with a league leading 2.57 points per game and a goal differential of 23, averaging 5.29 goals for per game and only 2 against. In the other corner you have the last place team averaging 0.57 points per game, 3.29 goals for per game and 5.86 against. So what could possibly swing this game? Well, Cup Size has had well-documented attendance issues culminating in their 3rd round pick ghosting them for god knows what reason but for the first time all year they’ll have their full roster, including Ben McCloskey (the replacement for said flaky 3rd rounder) and their goalie Corey playing in his first game of the season. The Goaldiggers will only be missing Brett Cantor and one wonders just how much of their dominant season so far is due to what is by far league-best attendance, but that’s part of the game. I do think Cup Size will put up a much stronger fight than most people would expect but considering the Goaldiggers have won games by scores of 6-1, 6-1 and 10-1 and the fact that Guido/Tarnow will never let off the gas no matter how much they’re up, I think “stronger fight” in this case still equates to losing by 3 or 4 goals. Would love to be proven wrong if for no other reason than to get a spicy matchup to watch at the end of the night but odds are that this will be a chippy game that will take years off my life and culminate in the Goaldiggers ultimately winning by multiple goals.
NHL Playoff Matchup This Game Most Resembles: Avalanche/Preds. Nashville’s a solid team and could definitely win the series, but are you brave enough to bet on them?