Another classic photo from the archives, taken in July 2019 upon arriving to the rink and seeing it in even shittier condition than usual. Considering our recent stabbing-related league plight, it’s good to look back and see that that area has been a shithole since the beginning of time and despite recent setbacks, much like Gloria Gaynor we will survive. My thoughts on condoms are generally the same as Tracy Jordan’s…
…but washing that lame sex down with a large cheesy bread? Truly magnificent. Also what is the overlap between people having sex in a public park and people using condoms? Has to be like less than 5% right? What guy is out there thinking “yes I’m totally down to do the nasty in a public park right next to the projects, but I am for sure going to do so safely and responsibly.” Then again, considering the likely caliber of the lady in question, probably the wisest decision this man has made in a long time. Not that I’m judging anyone of course; this is as sex positive a league as exists on the planet, meaning I encourage everyone to have sex pretty much every day of my life which I’m not sure is generally included in the commissioner’s duties. This may be getting slightly off track. And yes, I did cut edit and post that clip on YouTube myself last night so I could use it here. Onto the betting lines.
My Cup Size Is Stanley (-175)
MelRose Place (+130)
Over 4.5 (-120)
Under 4.5 (-120)
Notes: MelRose is in really bad shape in this one as they are missing Neil, Pags, Amit, DRo, Shan and ChooChoo for this one. Metz will sub in this one as will one of Ariel’s crypto bros. Cup Size looks to be missing Amanda Emily and Jason Campbell and will have Chris Daly subbing. Hilary is in for this one though and completely changes the look of black’s lineup who were up 2-0 on the Red Rockets before allowing them to come back. With MelRose Place in even greater shambles than that time that nutjob Kimberly blew up the apartment complex (man those special effects are bad), Cup Size is unlikely to make such a mistake again. Cup Size to pick up the W and potentially, incredibly, move up to 6th place with a big W over a team they’re likely to be battling for playoff positioning into the stretch run of the season.
Pink Lemonade (-120)
My Cup Size Is Stanley (-120)
Over 4.5 (-135)
Under 4.5 (-105)
Notes: Pink’s roster issues aren’t quite as bad as MelRose, but they’re not great either. Ave and Cherie are thankfully in but Stabel, Stern, Sanchick (bad day for the letter S) are out, as is Kolenberg, while Noah and Danilo seem to be GTDs. Good chance Metz finds his way into this game along with possibly Ariel’s aforementioned crypto bro. Ave and Cherie will be the two best players in this game but black has a bit more overall depth. If neither Noah or Danilo play, black probably wins. If both play, pink does. If it’s one in one out like Lavo on a Friday night or Woodbury Commons on Black Friday (only true local Jews will get that tremendous reference), game’s a total toss-up. Also believe it or not, with two wins tonight and a bit of luck Cup Size could move all the way up to a tie for 2nd place by the end of the night. Bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Pink Lemonade (+155)
Red Rockets (-210)
Over 5.0 (-120)
Under 5.0 (-120)
Notes: Let’s take a second to talk about totals because I’m bored. There have been 10 minigames in league history with the scores being 4-2, 3-2, 3-1, 3-2, 5-2, 1-0, 5-3, 6-0, 4-0 and 1-0. This yields an average total of 4.7 goals per game which sounds about right: if 45 minute games were averaging 8-8.5 goals per game, this is slightly more than half of that, also fair because empty net situations increase the probability of a last minute goal vs any other minute in the game. To be fair, those minigames were played with 7 minute periods while tonight will have 10 minute halves but that one minute in the middle is unlikely to change much. For this one, pink will get Louis while the Rockets will get the use of their GM Sully playing on the final D5 night of a long and storied career and Meg playing in net where she posted a victory last week. Once again much depends on whether Danilo, Noah or both show up to this game but the difference is that in all those cases, red will still be favored to pick up the W.
MelRose Place (+185)
Red Rockets (-265)
Over 4.5 (-120)
Under 4.5 (-120)
Notes: Same story as above with Sully and Meg playing for red while Louis, Metz and crypto bro sub for tie dye. Same projected result too: a win for red.
MelRose Place (+160)
SexAzul Tension (-220)
Over 5.0 (+110)
Under 5.0 (-150)
Notes: MelRose really needs to win that first game now that I think about it because these last two games against two top teams are going to be tough. Without 4 of their top 5 drafted dudes in the lineup this night may be as messy as one of the many love triangles that went down on that show. Ok, truth be told I didn’t watch a single episode of that crap in my life but it’s a neverending source of content and I need that because I’ve been tired for like 5 straight days. Anyways, in the interest of making this game…interesting…Sam will be subbing for MelRose Place. Likely the only night anyone will ever approve you to sub so enjoy it and make sure to drink plenty of water this time around. I’m still picking blue to win though.
SexAzul Tension (-170)
Pink Lemonade (+120)
Over 5.0 (-110)
Under 5.0 (-130)
Notes: Blue won’t have Waldman or Nestor tonight and possibly Dave Liang who’s supposed to fly into LGA at 7:17 but then again Hicks and Cutler had like 4 flights delayed/postponed/bumped in 24 hours so who the hell knows. Ave and Cherie are in for pink but as mentioned earlier a bunch of guys with names starting with S are out and Noah/Danilo are GTDs. Game falls somewhere in the middle of the others but keep in mind the uncertainty that short 20 minute games bring as well. I’m taking blue either way but betting a couple underdogs on the night based on small sample size in 10 minute halves seems like a sound strategy as well. Also if both of them are out I will likely let Sam sub again because I have an unusually high pain tolerance and the opportunity to face a line of Sam, Avery and Cherie is almost too good to resist even if the price is three standings points. Let’s party.
Hungry Hippos (-185)
The Goaldiggers (+135)
Over 4.5 (-110)
Under 4.5 (-130)
Notes: Hippos will be out for blood in this one after losing their most recent game to purple and also due to having to come out for one minigame tonight. Goaldiggers seem to have a solid base of players and should be amped for Meg’s farewell game but it’s been an ugly start so far for the defending champs in white. I hesitate to make Guido/Tarnow/Meg too big an underdog but considering how things have gone thus far this season, smart money’s on yellow to keep their momentum going.
Red Rockets (-165)
The Goaldiggers (+120)
Over 4.5 (-130)
Under 4.5 (-110)
Notes: Last game of the night. Sully vs Meg. Their final career D5 games and in primetime no less. Ratings are sure to be huge for this one both on the stream and in the stands. Jacob will sub in net for red and Louis will likely find his way into this game as well, with Tarnow also lingering as a GTD. With 8 contests on the docket wrapped up by this historic event, it should be an exciting end to an electric evening of hockey, whiteclaws and being on time for games. See ya tonight.