Hungry Hippos (-200)
Pink Lemonade (+150)
Over 6.0 (-120)
Under 6.0 (-120)
Notes: This should be a fun game between a pink team that is surprisingly still looking for their first win and a Hippos team which surprisingly is playing lights out defense but can’t seem to score. Somewhere, 2019 Meatbox is crying into his Taco Bell Deluxe Box, surely dining far away from the defensive zone. 2022 Meatbox is older, has been married for 3 years and now occasionally does venture into the dzone although he usually looks pretty unhappy and borderline confused to do so, even moreso than when I made him do 3-5 rounds of pirate shots with me on Sunday. What’s that you say? More pirate shot content? NO PROBLEMO. I actually spent a good deal of time scouring my emails for some but there wasn’t much that I could share without putting people’s lives and this entire league in jeopardy. I did find this video from 2015, sent as a bizarre piece of fantasy trash talk, that features some botched pirate shots in the very beginning.
I mean seriously, I love these guys but what the hell is this
People, take note: get more distance between the lime and your eye, tilt your head back further so theres a nice vertical drop and for the love of god swallow your tequila before you do this or you risk total disaster, of which I’ve seen a few and let me tell you it is not pretty. Anyways I guess I have to give a prediction for this game and I guess no one on pink did any while Hicks did several so it seems logical to follow that the Hippos should be favored in this one and will likely pull out the W. Also Waldman is starting for the Hippos and Waldman starts with W. This is the elite insight you ignore your work obligations to read. Nice.
SexAzul Tension (-160)
The Walleyes (+115)
Over 3.5 (-120)
Under 3.5 (-120)
Notes: Honestly this entire pirate shot thing is really Izzy’s fault. I was all set to name this team Varsity Blues but then she came in off the top rope week one saying she wasn’t playing (obviously) but that we should have a tequila themed name and all hell broke loose.
There’s really no other way to put this – she incepted me. It’s a great lesson for everyone to learn: we all imagine ourselves as the Leonardo DiCaprios of our own story, but sometimes we end up being the crazy French chick who gets an idea implanted in her mind and ends up going nuts, killing herself and framing him for her murder. Now that I think about it, neither one of them came away from it all that well off except for possibly Saito. Come to think of it actually, a lot of that movie and plan didn’t really make sense. I guess there’s a 2nd lesson to be learned here which is that the movie Inception is a lot like pirate shots as a whole; may not make much sense when you think of it the next day but what a wild ride it is, especially if you’re already fucked up. What a philosophical masterpiece this was. Also blue to win because Jeff Green’s had more sex than everyone on purple combined and he is now out of town trying to add to that already considerable number.
Green Street Hooligans (-120)
The Walleyes (-120)
Over 4.0 (-130)
Under 4.0 (-110)
Notes: I’m going to go one more time back to the well and give the Hooligans some respect. The problem in this league is with a small sample size you never really know how good your last win was or how bad your last loss was. Green looked pretty bad in allowing a combined 12 goals in 2 games to red but then they beat pink 10-7 and outplayed yellow for most of their week 5 meeting even though they ended up losing in OT due to a stellar goaltending performance by Cascada. It’s possible that greens abject lack of depth is going to be too big an obstacle to overcome, but it’s also possible that red is simply a nightmare matchup for them, having taken the other side of the trade and thus possessing depth that no team can really match. This game will be one hell of a test for them and for purple in their first game without aforementioned legend Jeff Green who is now off to Canada, Burning Man, who the hell knows. Rumor is that Louis may be suiting up in goal for the rest of the season but for tonight, while Jack tries to sell him on it by what I’d imagine is a really terrible French accent, Cam gets the call-up. He is actually a purple team alum having jumped in in relief of Chris B for Barrel in Summer/Fall 2021. This game is a total coinflip and at minigame length, 4.0 is a pretty high over/under but quite honestly, with Probie/Sam/Jack joined by two of the top lady scorers in Courtney and Annie, I am likely slamming the over even in a 20 minute contest. Also I’m sorry I’m running out of pirate shot content so instead enjoy this ominous meme about the coming singularity.
The Walleyes (-150)
The Goaldiggers (+105)
Over 2.0 (-125)
Under 2.0 (-115)
Notes: For some reason I originally thought that we played about two minutes of the 2nd half of this minigame, only to rewatch the footage and see that as soon as we started play it immediately started raining way harder and we maybe played 30 seconds before calling it. Thus, we’re just redoing the entire 2nd half of this game, currently at 0-0. How will both teams adjust to a (hopefully) dry rink? Walleyes goal differential is currently 2nd in the league but I also can’t believe white could be as bad as 2 goals in 4 games (they also have two goals banked before OT vs red but that game will be completed on Thursday). There has to be some regression here for both sides. Also I remember when Jack repurposed a 2nd place trophy we won in Feasterville during covid that no one wanted and was going in the trash into “The UES Cup” and challenged any team captained by someone who lived on the Upper East side to compete for it. I believe his record in official games with the trophy on the line was 2-0 with wins against Hicks and Meg. Tarnow wanted a piece but I’m not sure if that game ever officially happened. I strongly considered getting an Airbnb on 75th street for one night to gain eligibility and whoop some ass myself. Anyways, the point of this story is that as of last weekend Jack now lives in Brooklyn and isn’t even eligible for this damn trophy anymore which means if he still has it, league rules dictate it must be turned over to a league UES resident within the next 48 hours. He may as well give it to Tarnow.
MelRose Place (-130)
The Goaldiggers (-110)
Over 5.5 (-120)
Under 5.5 (-120)
Notes: Man this has been a lot of previews. Anyways MelRose specifically requested two games because this is somehow the only day Neil can make for the rest of the reg season (pretty wild) white the Goaldiggers will play the back-end of a doubleheader. Attendance has been pretty abysmal for tie dye all season but they got DRo back on Friday and he had a goal and an assist in a 4-2 win. I still don’t think white is nearly as bad as their record suggests but in the words of Yogi Berra that I also quoted at some point last season, it’s getting late early for the Goaldiggers. Another couple losses and they will be basically locked into the 7th-10th seed and thus be in a position where they would have to win five playoff games for the title. That extra playoff game will be against a low seeded team sure but parity is stronger than it’s been in years and you really don’t want to tempt fate. Both these teams will be desperate for a victory as they’re currently 7th and 9th. Neil makes this a much more interesting game but is he going to be rusty after trading in his trusty hockey stick for a bong and multiple tabs of acid? Actually he’ll probably be fine. I’ve also noticed that in games that start before 9:20 PM white has been shutout twice while in games taking place at 9:21 or later they’ve scored all four of their goals. Is that just random noise or are they running on west coast time? Can that stat truly mean anything? STATS COMIC INCOMING
MelRose Place (EVEN)
Green Street Hooligans (-140)
Over 6.0 (-130)
Under 6.0 (-110)
Notes: Game 2 of Neil’s return doubleheader as well as the miracle doubleheader I scheduled for Sam despite the terrible things he did to my house in Buffalo. That said if you’ve never played flipcup with the Montreal ole song beforehand, I highly recommend. The first 8 times I thought it was weird. Times 9-20 it grew on me. After that, you’re off and running into the magical and exciting world of singing and clapping before flipcup games.
In this photo you will see both Zisser and Sam, two guys who thankfully for their teams are much better at hockey than they are at drinking games. You’ll also see Jack’s dirty mustache which represents his cheat-to-win-at-all-costs ethos but luckily for oddsmakers, he is not involved in this game. I think both teams are better than what they’ve shown and just need attendance. However I think green is more fired up, hungrier and with Sam/Probert missing much of the rest of the season, they’ll be amped up to play together for what might be the last time until the playoffs. Green to win, unless Sam or Probie don’t end up playing, in which case green to lose by 3 or more. Sorry, I don’t make the rules. Enjoy this beautiful arm wrestling photo I mysteriously found on my phone Saturday morning to wrap this up and allow me to move on with my day.
