*All betting lines for entertainment purposes only
District Five Championship
I Just Blue Myself (+300)
Hungry Hippos 2.0 (+300)
Chili Peppers (+300)
MelRose Place (+360)
Julie’s Football Club (+360)
Green Street Hooligans (+440)
The Narwhals (+600)
Medium Rare (+600)
Shooting Blancs (+600)
COMMENTS: Another year gone by and it’s time to dust off the iconic Tony Soprano at the Borgata photo which graces many of these betting lines. Hicks had his finest draft in years, securing an elite linemate with whom he had great chemistry in 2019, an elite goalie in AJ and picking up some insane value with Abby in round 6. Blue picked up similarly insane value with Hilary who was available in round 8 for reasons I will never understand for as long as I live. Nate displayed surprising acumen in his first draft, although having a former captain in Campbell definitely helped. True, the one draft that Campbell did years ago he showed up with zero spreadsheets and just a few names written on a crumpled up yellow piece of paper that he would occasionally refer to, and true they did commit a bizarre draft blunder in failing to draft their buddy Tarnow only to frantically scramble to trade for him immediately after the draft concluded, but I still think they did quite well. There is some value on MelRose who has the #1 overall pick and brought back ROY contender Ridzik in net and with the Football Club who are always dangerous with Julie and Tash at the helm. Green has some nice looking pieces (not sexually, well maybe that too) but their roster construction is somewhat bizarre and they’ll need to hope Derek’s friend is actually Derek to make a true run to the top. Purple has a record number of rookies and goalies, as usual and will look to defend their title. Simon was really high during the draft which explains some of his weirder picks. Pink is just a lawsuit waiting to happen and I am genuinely concerned for what is going to happen at Dorrian’s. I will not comment further on the advice of my attorney, Zisser, who should really be on this team as well if there was any justice in this world. Fun fact: Mr Zisser holds what I consider to be one of the truly unbreakable sexual records of modern times. DM me for specific info because I am certainly not publishing it here. Well, maybe later in the season.
District Five Championship
Blue, Black or Red (-140)
Field (-105)
District Five Championship
Purple, Yellow, Pink Or Orange (+110)
Field (-150)
District Five Championship
Blue, Black or Purple (EVEN)
Field (-140)
Championship Game Matchup
Blue vs Black (+600)
Blue vs Red (+600)
Black vs Red (+600)
Blue vs Yellow (+700)
Yellow vs Red (+700)
Black vs Purple (+800)
Blue vs Green (+800)
Red vs Green (+800)
Black vs Green (+800)
Orange vs Green (+900)
Pink vs Blue (+900)
Purple vs Blue (+900)
White vs Blue (+1000)
Orange vs White (+1100)
Orange vs Purple (+1100)
Green vs Purple (+1100)
Pink vs Purple (+1200)
Pink vs White (+1400)
COMMENTS: For the true degens out there. With no eastern/western conference in D5 you need to get lucky not just with teams that perform in the playoffs, but ones that end up on opposite sides of the bracket. That said Hicks has already declared his intentions to recoup all the money he lost betting on Gonzaga -4 last night (truly one of the worst gambling losses in recent memory) by going all-in on blue vs black in the finals. If his prediction came true, it would be the black franchise’s first finals appearance and he would no doubt hold it over Jenn’s head for the rest of time.
Which Team Will Finish Higher In The Standings?
Hungry Hippos 2.0 (-170)
The Narwhals (+125)
COMMENTS: Jack and Annie’s franchise is the defending champ, but this might be the best Hippos team since the pre-covid era. I may be proven wrong in a few weeks but for now league insiders are very bullish on Hippos 2.0.
Which Team Will Finish Higher In The Standings?
Green Street Hooligans (-110)
Julie’s Football Club (-130)
Which Team Will Finish Higher In The Standings?
MelRose Place (-110)
Chili Peppers (-130)
COMMENTS: They picked 1-2 in the draft and both teams came away with solid rosters. Red had a better draft overall but Wes is far more likely to attend games than Sam who basically lives in Montreal these days. A true toss-up but the slightest of edges to red if they can get attendance with any regularity.
Which Team Will Finish Higher In The Standings?
Medium Rare (-130)
Shooting Blancs (-110)
District Five Scoring Title
Wes, Sam or Miles (-120)
Jack, Hicks, Hogg or Neil (EVEN)
Field (+275)
COMMENTS: Sam/Wes/Miles were the consensus top 3 picks but attendance makes all the difference in this category and Jack/Hicks rarely miss games. Meanwhile the last time Hogg was on Hicks’ team he won the scoring title and Neil is the only player to win multiple scoring titles…along with Hicks. Both groups have great arguments for why they should be the favorite. Will be extremely difficult for anyone else to crack this list. If there is a dark horse entry outside this list who could shock the world and win their first scoring title, I can’t believe I’m saying this but my money would be on Malik (as long as he sees fit to attend games without Ryann this season and doesn’t assault any refs).
District Five Ladies’ Scoring Title
Annie or Cherie (-185)
Field (+130)
COMMENTS: Perhaps D5’s most improved player over the past two calendar years, Annie has now won two straight ladies scoring titles. Meanwhile Cherie still boasts a higher PPG and after a season off looks set to reclaim the title she has also won twice with Miles as her new linemate and back in blue for the first time since the inaugural D5 season all the way back in 2018. There will be stiff competition from the likes of Cara, Ryann, Brita, and Tash if she plays forward full-time but my money is on one of these two holding off all challengers to take down their 3rd scoring title.
Rookie Of The Year (Male)
Tom McGuire (-350)
Field (+220)
Comments: I don’t know most of the rookies and Jack picked this dude in round 2 so he’s the overwhelming favorite by default. Also since it’s a guy vs field line, he must play at least six games for action to stand.
Lowest GAA (Regular Season Only; Must Start At Least Five Games)
Phelps (+115)
Jeff Green (+175)
AJ (+175)
Field (+260)
COMMENTS: Phelps has been on blue for two seasons and in both seasons he finished with the best GAA. Meanwhile I legit have no idea who, aside from Nate and Rickard, is going to play defense on Jeff’s team. That’s really all the thinking that went into this one.
Lower GAA (Regular Season Only; Must Start At Least Five Games)
Zisser (-120)
Max (-120)
COMMENTS: Both these fine Jewish men boozed at a very high level on Saturday night and are my partners in a car business that we will one day actually launch but for now is just an excuse to get steak dinners with Sam and Corey and write them off as a business expense. Goaltending-wise, they are pretty similar as well. Max’s career stats are better but Zisser has more actual defenders on his team. Then again, if anyone’s ok with going in unprotected, it’s Zisser.
Lower GAA (Regular Season Only)
AJ (-110)
Jeff Green (-130)
Lower GAA (Regular Season Only)
Corey (-105)
Ridzik (-135)
COMMENTS: Line is slightly juiced because Ridzik is the heir apparent to his high school friend McQuade and will no doubt be max betting this and any line involving himself. D5 markets are so illiquid that even the threat of Ridzik betting on this line has moved the line.
Grand Salami (Total Goals For The Season; Regular Season Only)
Over 252.5 (-135)
Under 252.5 (-105)
COMMENTS: The standard over/under for a D5 game is 5.5 goals. Meanwhile last season saw an average of just over 6 goals per game and 270 total goals. Will history repeat itself or will we see some light reversion this season, aka people actually playing defense?
How Many Games Will Go To OT? (Regular Season Only)
Over 8.5 (-120)
Under 8.5 (-120)
COMMENTS: Historically 15-20% of games go to OT. Last season, for some reason, we saw an extreme statistical outlier as it was only 3 games out of 45, an insanely low 6.67% rate. I have to think that was a monster fluke and we’ll see between 7-10 OTs this season, frustrating everyone who wants to have their games start on time.
How Many Shutouts Will Be Notched? (Regular Season Only; Shootout Goals Don’t Count)
Over 3.5 (-135)
Under 3.5 (-105)
COMMENTS: Ok, I’m beginning to think last season was just overall weird. Generally we see 2-4 full game shutouts per season (not counting minigames which are obviously far easier to notch a shutout in). Last season saw an incredible 11 shutouts notched, 5 of them by blue. That is one in four league games (25%) ending in a shutout. For comparison, Spring 22 saw two total shutouts (4.5%) while Summer/Fall 21, despite having an expanded 15 game schedule, had 5 total shutouts for a rate of 8.3%. Legit no idea how this one will play out.
Who Will Finish Higher In The Scoring Race?
Sam (+110)
Wes (-155)
COMMENTS: This would be a much more exciting race if we knew that Sam would make games with any regularity this season. The startup life is no joke though so Wes gets the decided edge on this line.
Who Will Finish Higher In The Scoring Race?
Miles (-120)
Hogg (-120)
COMMENTS: Miles’ track record in D5 is truly impressive with the 2nd highest PPG in league history and two championships in three seasons. That said, blue teams are usually defensive powerhouses while Hicks led teams are pretty much always offense first, defense later (or not at all) so gameflow leans in Hogg’s favor.
Who Will Finish Higher In The Scoring Race?
Meatbox (-120)
Jack (-120)
COMMENTS: One of the great rivalries in all of sports, they finished 1-2 in the scoring race last season with Mr Meatbox picking up the points and assists titles while Jack picked up goals and, of course, his first championship. This line also assumes a full season from Jack at forward which may not necessarily be the case if his team starts slipping early.
Who Will Finish Higher In The Scoring Race?
Simon (-165)
AFrey (+120)
COMMENTS: The likely Leetch Award finals, this has the potential to go either way especially if Simon games the system and plays a few at forward. I wouldn’t put anything past him.
UPDATE: Simon confirmed playing forward this season. Line shifts from -130 to -165.
Who Will Finish Higher In The Scoring Race?
Kev (+125)
Source (-170)
COMMENTS: This line comes in by special request from the gambling community and who are we to deny them? Kev was drafted higher but plays D. Source plays forward but might ditch his team for a dental appointment in Boston at any moment (yes, he still travels 4 hours for those).
Who Will Finish Higher In The Scoring Race?
Russo (-140)
Scott Metz (-EVEN)
COMMENTS: This should be a fairly tight race as both players produce at similar historical rates and can play forward or defense. But ever since Russo pointed out their uncanny resemblance to the dognappers in 101 Dalmations, that’s really all I can think about.
Who Will Finish Higher In The Scoring Race?
Annie (-125)
Cherie (-115)
Who Will Finish Higher In The Scoring Race?
Tash (-110)
Cara (-130)
COMMENTS: Each of the preceding lines depends heavily on the forward/D splits. Cherie will play most games at forward but might help out on D if the lineup dictates while Tash is a natural defender who might play more games at forward if her team has enough dmen to allow it. With a full season at forward I would slightly favor Cherie and Tash; with no assurances either way, both are the slightest of underdogs.
Who Will Finish Higher In The Scoring Race?
Adam Herman (-110)
Yehuda (-130)
COMMENTS: A classic battle between small Jewish dudes who were linemates for one season but now are mortal enemies (at least as far as D5 bettors are concerned). Yehuda is way faster, Adam has a stronger hockey IQ. Likely comes down to attendance and if one of their teams ends up being sneaky bad.
Who Will Finish Higher In The Scoring Race?
Shirtless Rob Meehan (-135)
Shirted Mike Goose (-105)
COMMENTS: A classic battle between larger decidedly not-Jewish dudes. Actually I think Goose might be. Will have to check with my rabbi (Avery) and report back.
Which Number Will Be Larger? (Regular Season Only)
Blue Team Standings Points (-120)
Miles Points (-120)
Which Number Will Be Larger? (Regular Season Only)
Hicks + Hogg Season Goals (+110)
Rest Of Team Season Goals (-160)
Which Number Will Be Larger? (Regular Season Only)
Cara + Simon Season Points (+110)
Cherie + AFrey Season Points (-150)
Will The Championship Winning Captain Be Male Or Female?
Male Captain (-420)
Female Captain (+230)
COMMENTS: Unlike past seasons where the numbers were similar, with Vanessa and Jenn taking seasons off captaining we have only two: Julie and Mel. That said both of their teams have a chance to win even if I wouldn’t rank either among the true favorites.
Will Anyone Be Suspended For At Least One Game This Season?
Yes (-250)
No (+160)
COMMENTS: As in past seasons, wagers will not be honored if it is suspected someone intentionally got suspended for the purposes of winning this prop bet.
How Many Regular Season Games Will Not Be Completed On Schedule?
Over 13.0 (-150)
Under 13.0 (+105)
COMMENTS: Betting the over on this is like betting the don’t pass in craps; you might win but everyone will hate you. That said, it probably will go over because, as longtime league members know, god hates us. I’m sure the constant drinking, gambling and premarital sex didn’t help out the cause in that regard. Enjoy some vaguely emo 90s music about rain to ease the pain of being among the heathens for yet another electric season.