Week 3 Betting Lines (Spring 2023)

Hungry Hippos 2.0 (-135)
The Narwhals (-105)
Over 5.5 (-115)
Under 5.5 (-125)

Notes: The next chapter in the storied rivalry of purple and yellow takes a new turn with Hicks, in a wild turn of events, now captaining the black team. While the colors may change, the desire to dish out an open ice bodycheck to Jack while he winds up for his 31st slapshot of the afternoon remains quite strong. I would go into a long history of this rivalry, how I scheduled them to play each other 3x in 2021 and they tried to get me to agree to a scenario whereby the winner of the season series received all nine points and called it something I won’t print here because we generally try not to get canceled until at least mid-season, etc but I got into Denver at 5 AM last night and have been high pretty much since I got here. Notable is that Otis will sub for purple while Sean Kittridge subs for black. Totis is moving back to Canada tomorrow, meaning this is the final D5 night of his career. Happy trails to the only man I’ve ever met who loved Ari Gold more than I did.

Most Points In This Game
Hicks (-120)
Jack (-120)

Most Goals In This Game
Hicks (-120)
Jack (-120)

Will Totis Record A Point?
Yes (-175)
No (+130)

Alt Total
Over 7.5 (+240)
Under 7.5 (-400)

Alt Total
Over 3.5 (-350)
Under 3.5 (+200)

MelRose Place (+105)
The Narwhals (-145)
Over 5.5 (-130)
Under 5.5 (-110)

Notes: MelRose becomes the final team to make their season debut as they play the 2nd and last game of the evening. They’ll be missing Wes but otherwise should have the rest of their lineup in tow. No word on if the DRo trade rumors are going to come to fruition in what would be the first case of a D5 captain trading their supplementary pick ever (I for one am here for it) but neon yellow will look to make a statement here, both that they can win without Wes and that they’re keeping yellow even when Hicks inevitably comes for it. Purple will be on their 2nd end of a back to back and while historically the win rate is pretty much the same for teams playing their 1st or 2nd game of the night, purple does have a few rookies who may not be used to the rigors of D5 and have unknown cardio. Then again, their cardio is probably still better than Jack’s. In fact, let’s do a quick round of purple cardio rankings because why not:

1) Annie – field hockey champion, all around superb athlete.
2) Kev – will wear the C for multiple games this season in the quietest attempt at a hostile takeover you’ve ever seen. Seems to enjoy running. Hairier chest then you’d expect.
3) Savannah & Sam – I’ve never seen either of these girls play hockey nor even met them but I have to assume they have better cardio than Rob who will likely be 5 beers deep by the time the game starts.

And just to be fair, yellow cardio ranks:

1) Wes – runs marathons. That’s really all that has to be said.
2) Izzy – would love nothing more than to play the whole game, then rollerblade home and get high. Come to think of it, who wouldn’t love that?
3) Mel – teaches a row class twice a week so I have to assume her cardio is great, otherwise the people who attend that class (one of whom is Adam Herman) are getting violently ripped off.

So who wins this game? Tough call as I think yellow had a solid draft and did well in the trade market where they pulled off the most preseason trades of any team. But losing Wes robs them of too much explosiveness and you just know Jack is going to pepper Ridzik with shots like we’re back at AK’s pool playing flipcup with fireball. Purple to win, thanks in large part to cardio. Can’t believe I just said that.

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