*All betting lines for entertainment purposes only
District Five Championship
I Just Blue Myself (+300)
Chili Peppers (+300)
Hungry Hippos 2.0 (+350)
MelRose Place (+350)
Julie’s Football Club (+350)
Green Street Hooligans (+400)
The Narwhals (+600)
Medium Rare (+650)
Shooting Blancs (+650)
Comments: Blue and red pick up week one wins to stay in pole position while a week one loss drops black to the second tier. Green and orange both climb after impressive week one victories although they still have a ways to go to join the elite tier. Cue Simon commenting “this is fucked up.”
District Five Championship
Blue, Black or Red (-110)
Field (-135)
District Five Championship
Blue, Black or Purple (+110)
Field (-160)
Championship Game Matchup
Blue vs Red (+600)
Blue vs Black (+650)
Black vs Red (+650)
Blue vs Yellow (+650)
Yellow vs Red (+650)
Blue vs Green (+750)
Black vs Purple (+800)
Red vs Green (+800)
Black vs Green (+800)
Orange vs Green (+900)
Pink vs Blue (+900)
Purple vs Blue (+900)
White vs Blue (+1000)
Orange vs White (+1100)
Orange vs Purple (+1100)
Green vs Purple (+1100)
Pink vs Purple (+1200)
Pink vs White (+1600)
Which Team Will Finish Higher In The Standings?
Hungry Hippos 2.0 (-155)
The Narwhals (+110)
Comments: As is tradition, Hicks & Jack will face off twice this season, first matchup being Friday night. Who knows what to expect?
Which Team Will Finish Higher In The Standings?
Green Street Hooligans (-120)
Julie’s Football Club (-120)
Which Team Will Finish Higher In The Standings?
MelRose Place (-105)
Chili Peppers (-135)
Comments: Sam missed his first game and I have been informed Wes will do the same. Which one shows up more this season will go a long way towards determining this bet.
Which Team Will Finish Higher In The Standings?
Medium Rare (-120)
Shooting Blancs (-120)
Comments: Both teams have looked better than expected in the early going but unfortunately have zero wins to show for it. This could really go either way and will likely come down to the all important factors of attendance and luck.
District Five Scoring Title
Wes, Sam or Miles (-125)
Jack, Hicks, Hogg or Neil (+130)
Yehuda (+1300)
Field (+220)
Comments: Yehuda currently sits tied for the lead and has requested a personal line on this. Exciting days for young Yehuda and the Hooligans.
District Five Ladies’ Scoring Title
Annie or Cherie (-210)
Field (+155)
Rookie Of The Year (Male)
Tom McGuire (-400)
Field (+240)
Comments: I don’t know most of the rookies and Jack picked this dude in round 2 so he’s the overwhelming favorite by default. Also since it’s a guy vs field line, he must play at least six games for action to stand.
Lowest GAA (Regular Season Only; Must Start At Least Five Games)
Phelps (EVEN)
Jeff Green (+190)
AJ (+190)
Field (+250)
COMMENTS: Phelps opens the season with what he has assured me should have been a shutout. Bet against him at your own risk.
Lower GAA (Regular Season Only; Must Start At Least Five Games)
Zisser (-120)
Max (-120)
COMMENTS: Neither of these legendary Jewish goalies has played yet, their teams are roughly even and I like both of them. Both are also pretty depraved individuals. No leans on this one.
Lower GAA (Regular Season Only)
AJ (-110)
Jeff Green (-130)
Lower GAA (Regular Season Only)
Corey (-105)
Ridzik (-135)
Grand Salami (Total Goals For The Season; Regular Season Only)
Over 235.5 (-130)
Under 235.5 (-110)
COMMENTS: Thus far ever single game has gone under and it hasn’t even really been close – highest scoring game of the first four has been 3-1 with an average of 2.75 goals being scored per game. That said, this should regress to the mean as the season goes on, but under is looking like it could be decent value.
How Many Games Will Go To OT? (Regular Season Only)
Over 8.5 (-120)
Under 8.5 (-120)
COMMENTS: Historically 15-20% of games go to OT. Last season, for some reason, we saw an extreme statistical outlier as it was only 3 games out of 45, an insanely low 6.67% rate. Thus far this season it’s been 1 in 4 games.
How Many Shutouts Will Be Notched? (Regular Season Only; Shootout Goals Don’t Count)
Over 4.5 (EVEN)
Under 4.5 (-140)
COMMENTS: Generally we see 2-4 full game shutouts per season (not counting minigames which are obviously far easier to notch a shutout in). Last season saw an incredible 11 shutouts notched, 5 of them by blue. That is one in four league games (25%) ending in a shutout. For comparison, Spring 22 saw two total shutouts (4.5%) while Summer/Fall 21, despite having an expanded 15 game schedule, had 5 total shutouts for a rate of 8.3%. Legit no idea how this one will play out but thus far games have been pretty low scoring.
Who Will Finish Higher In The Scoring Race?
Miles (-120)
Wes (-120)
Who Will Finish Higher In The Scoring Race?
Meatbox (-120)
Jack (-120)
COMMENTS: One of the great rivalries in all of sports, they finished 1-2 in the scoring race last season with Mr Meatbox picking up the points and assists titles while Jack picked up goals and, of course, his first championship. This line also assumes a full season from Jack at forward which may not necessarily be the case if his team starts slipping early.
Who Will Finish Higher In The Scoring Race?
Simon (-150)
AFrey (+105)
Who Will Finish Higher In The Scoring Race?
Kev (-120)
Source (-120)
COMMENTS: This line came in by special request from the gambling community and has shifted significantly due to most of the action coming in on Kev and Source scoring 0 points in two games thus far.
Who Will Finish Higher In The Scoring Race?
Russo (-140)
Scott Metz (-EVEN)
COMMENTS: This should be a fairly tight race as both players produce at similar historical rates and can play forward or defense. But ever since Russo pointed out their uncanny resemblance to the dognappers in 101 Dalmations, that’s really all I can think about.
Who Will Finish Higher In The Scoring Race?
Annie (-125)
Cherie (-115)
Who Will Finish Higher In The Scoring Race?
Adam Herman (+185)
Yehuda (-270)
COMMENTS: Yehuda is currently leading D5 in scoring and thus takes a decided edge over Herman on this line.
Who Will Finish Higher In The Scoring Race?
Shirtless Rob Meehan (-135)
Shirted Mike Goose (-105)
COMMENTS: The eternal battle. Also in case you missed it, Goose was confirmed to be Jewish. L’chaim!
Which Number Will Be Larger? (Regular Season Only)
Blue Team Standings Points (-125)
Miles Points (-115)
Which Number Will Be Larger? (Regular Season Only)
Hicks + Hogg Season Goals (+105)
Rest Of Team Season Goals (-150)
Which Number Will Be Larger? (Regular Season Only)
Cara + Simon Season Points (+110)
Cherie + AFrey Season Points (-150)
Will The Championship Winning Captain Be Male Or Female?
Male Captain (-420)
Female Captain (+230)
Will Anyone Be Suspended For At Least One Game This Season?
Yes (+150)
No (-200)
Suspended Player Gender
Male (-15000)
Female (+2000)
First Player To Get Suspended
Nestor (-155)
Jeff Oberg (+120)
Jack (+200)
Anyone on Pink (+200)
Anyone named Kevin (+200)
Anyone on the Demons (+250)
Amanda (+500)
The Ghost of Shaun deLacy (+550)
Field (+200)
How Many Regular Season Games Will Not Be Completed On Schedule?
Over 13.0 (-150)
Under 13.0 (+105)
COMMENTS: Betting the over on this is like betting the don’t pass in craps; you might win but everyone will hate you. That said, it probably will go over because, as longtime league members know, god hates us.