Julie’s Football Club (+4.0 Goals) (+150)
Merry Pranksters (-4.0 Goals) (-220)
Over 9.5 (-120)
Under 9.5 (-120)
Notes: Week one of the Spring season kicks off with probably the worst goalie situation I’ve seen in all my years of running this league. With multiple teams on bye and over half the league’s goalies on vacation (seriously), plus Jeff Green having to leave after game 3 for some kind of sexual engagement, we have some kind of three goalie rotation for the duration of the night with Jeff Green, Simon and Cam splitting duties. This game is unfortunately likely to be kind of ugly as the Pranksters incredibly have a close-to-full-strength roster coming out with both Gelman and Jo Robin taking a break from Pesach-athon to lay a righteous beating on orange. Unfortunately despite not having many Jewish players on the team, orange is woefully shorthanded for this one. They’ll have Rose subbing for Cherie/Tash and Rockoff and Annie coming in but the rest of their roster is mostly rookies. I think Cam will likely man the orange net and Aylesworth I think is in for this one but regardless, unless they can find some last minute players, this has the potential to be a blowout. Pranksters by 5. Also late breaking news – Cam might now be late so if this game starts with no goalie for orange, bets are null and void.
Julie’s Football Club (+240)
Untitled Blue Team (-420)
Over 8.5 (-130)
Under 8.5 (-110)
Notes: This game will be played 4v4 as both teams have 4 guys and 2 girls in, plus sub goalies, plus maybe one extra sub for orange since it’s their 2nd of a doubleheader. Not entirely sure but either way, blue should have the edge here. That said, the absences are not pretty for the defending champs. Usually I don’t bring up the defending champs thing in this league as rosters turnover every season but over half the team is back in what might be a new record. What’s funny is I generally admonish captains who catch feelings for their rosters and try to recreate the same team because, like going back to an ex, it’s rarely as good as the first time and usually leads to disaster as captains overpay for players the like. That said, this season I think it worked out cost-wise due to of course rigging just good old fashioned smart drafting. Orange might get an extra sub thrown their way for the culture but Chad and Annie should be good for a few goals each. Blue to win.
Mel’s Power Trip (+1.0 Goals) (+150)
Clappin’ Cheeks (-1.0 Goals) (-240)
Over 8.5 (-110)
Under 8.5 (-130)
Notes: Every once in a while in this business (the elite ball hockey commissioning business, of course), you come across a piece of footage so elite you’re not quite sure what to do with it. I imagine thats how it felt to first come across the zapruder film. Full disclosure: I have had possession of this video for several weeks, itself an update of a video from years ago, but felt it would be best to protect the men of this league from feeling inadequate and the women of this league from realizing how inadequate their own men were. But with Jack being the first selection of this seasons draft…its time. The highlight reel the people demand, for your viewing pleasure:
Things to note:
1) Pervert jersey for travel team which was my personal gift to Jack and paid for by me, out of respect. Also, fun fact, the genesis of the Vertz team name. Truly historic stuff.
2) Slapshots taken at rink, set up by me, circa April 2020 when it was locked down for Covid so we would jump the fence and sneak in with a case of whiteclaw and a ton of weed and just take slapshots for 4-5 hours. By the end we would just see if anyone could reach the river which was fine since there were few cars and no pedestrians. I never thought I’d wax nostalgic for the shitshow that was 2020 but this was kinda fun.
3) Jet engine noise over said slapshots, of course.
4) Insane clapper at a men’s tournament. I should note this team is mostly made up of bruisers from Central NJ and man, do they love Jack.
5) Notice the girl at the bar who at first is horrified by the public beer bong but is slowly but surely won over by what she is witnessing. Annie is a lucky girl.
6) Penalty shot slapshot, a truly baller move reserved for a select few. Somewhere in Canada Steve Larmer and Brian Rolston are toasting at the very moment.
7) One of the greatest goals in league history, a fitting coda to this electric piece.
Was I supposed to preview a hockey game here? Sorry, got distracted. I’m not sure how you can view this and find any way to bet against the Cheeks who have doubled down on their sleek yet sexy vibe by already rebranding from silver to black leopard. I’m not sure what sort of stripper attire was left over at the warehouses of Paddy Lee fashions but whatever it is, I expect it to lead them to an opening night victory.
Clappin’ Cheeks (-3.5 Goals) (-120)
The Golden Girls (+3.5 Goals) (-120)
Over 8.0 (-145)
Under 8.0 (EVEN)
Notes: The Golden Girls are missing both captains, Joe and Minsky, and for some reason have put Amanda in charge of this team. This has led to widespread confusion as she is a) not Jewish and b) not used to running a team that isn’t just thankful that it’s her yelling on the bench and not Glanzer. I would say this is going to get interesting but without both captains plus 1st rounder Tom McGuire, this looks like a tough night at the office for gold. They will get Simon in net for Max along with probably Rockoff Subbing while Cheeks gets Maddie, but I don’t think it’ll matter. Cheeks to clap once again. Over/under 7.5 shotguns in the stands to follow. Take the over.
Oh Deer (-2.0 Goals) (-120)
Mel’s Power Trip (+2.0 Goals) (-120)
Over 7.5 (-120)
Under 7.5 (-120)
Notes: Every once in a while a Hicks game comes along that makes me fear for my life and for the lives of all his opponents. One such example was in Spring 2021 when he spent an entire gameday texting death threats in all caps and telling me he was outside my window.
This week’s not quite as terrifying but it is not ideal for yellow as they won’t have Malik and Liang/Sanchick are GTDs. But more frightening for yellow is that this is a Hicks revenge game due to him dealing with a difficult weak in his personal life and Yehuda apparently acting like a punk in last week’s BTSH game. This has predictably led to 1) no one wanting Yehuda to sub tonight despite there being several available slots on almost all the teams
and 2) Hicks being ready for a good old fashioned whooping of yellow. They may not have a full lineup but they’ll have Cardello subbing and Hill/Sarah on D, plus Hicks and Fitz up front. I was more sure of it an hour ago but I still think the statement game probably happens. Even though the the team mascot is Hicks shooting me in the ass with some kind of hockey stick crossbow, I have to respect this camo team. And Simon has already given his own locker room bulletin board material by not picking them as a top 5 team in the power ranks. Give me camo by two and Hicks to engage in a possibly unhinged celly if he scores tonight. And to buy minimum 25 shots of tequila at Dorrian’s if he does so. See ya tonight.
