All Time Records Update Post

Since it’s likely that no one except a few true sickos check the All Time Records & Achievements page with any regularity, here’s some info on what’s changed and what’s stayed the same since the last update (almost a year ago) and what you can look forward to milestone-wise in the coming seasons.

First, the big one – all time points.

All Time Scoring Leaders

Rank	Name	GP	Goals	Assists	Points
1	Hicks	120	101	64	165
2	Mike Tarnow	107	40	77	117
3	Jack	97	73	38	111
4	Sam	59	57	54	111
5	Probie	68	80	26	106
6	Guido	62	76	25	101
7	Derek	53	54	42	96
8	Alex	115	44	50	94
9	Neil	67	59	32	91
10	Cherie	111	43	48	91
11	Wes	46	53	27	80
12	Jason Campbell	55	52	20	72
13	Meg	50	37	33	70
14	Dave Liang	70	39	31	70
15	Mike Stern	51	48	17	65
16	Adam Satok	47	39	26	65
17	Annie	79	33	31	64
18	Matt Russo	104	30	34	64
19	Jeff Oberg	56	42	21	63
20	Sam Gelman	43	47	16	63
21	Alex Rockoff	82	39	23	62
22	AK	43	31	26	57
23	Matt Stabel	89	30	26	56
24	SBJ	41	33	20	53
25	Scott Metz	112	30	21	51

Hicks has now opened up an absolutely monstrous lead that he is unlikely to lose unless he dies or moves to the suburbs. His PPG is great but not incredible, as he will tell anyone who tries to slot him as a 1st round pick. However, the combination of steady scoring and the most games played in league history (thanks in no small part to my current injury) make him a worthy #1. If he plays a few more years it will be extremely difficult for anyone to take him down. Although we missed a ceremony for goal #100, by the end of 2024 it appears he will likely hit 200 points and we will probably bring him Taco Bell mid-game.

After him you have an interesting mix of current D5 vets (Tarnow, Jack, Cherie) and retired legends (Probie, Guido, kind of Derek although he could return at a moment’s notice). Sam is scoring at a rate that is unmatched at this sample size which is even more impressive considering he played last season on D. In fact there are no other players in the top 25 that play defense except myself at #8 and a few players who kinda play D depending on what team they land on like Russo/Metz. Russo put up 24% of his career goals last season so who knows, perhaps a late career resurgence is on the horizon. I find it funny/heartwarming that me and Cherie have almost the exact same stats through the 2nd and 3rd most D5 games played of all time. Just outside the top 25 is similarly a mix of retired legends like Sully and some up-and-comers who will surely crack the top 25 in short order. Players I expect to be in the top 25 at some point in 2024: Miles (#26, almost a lock), Ryan Levine and Jo Robin (both around 30 points, both need about 35 more this year to make the list which in three seasons should be attainable).

All Time Points Per Game Leaders

Rank	Name	Games	Points	PPG
1	Luke	10	26	2.60
2	Miles	24	50	2.08
3	Sam	59	111	1.88
4	Derek	53	96	1.81
5	Jo Robin	16	29	1.81
6	Wes	46	80	1.74
7	Ryan Levine	19	32	1.68
8	Jeff	15	25	1.67
9	Guido	62	101	1.63
10	Corey	29	46	1.59
11	Probie	68	106	1.56
12	Avery	18	27	1.50
13	Sam Gelman	43	63	1.47
14	Meg	50	70	1.40
15	Adam Satok	47	65	1.38
16	Hicks	120	165	1.38
17	Neil	67	91	1.36
18	Mike Yetter	21	28	1.33
19	AK	43	57	1.33
20	Jason Campbell	55	72	1.31

The points-per-game list, as you might expect, mostly is names from the points list with a few notable exceptions of players who didn’t play enough games to rack up the points to get on that leaderboard. Luke’s 26 points in 10 games is pretty wild and he finished #4 and #2 in scoring in his two seasons despite playing 4 and 6 games. Jo, Ryan and Gelman are all going to drop with a larger sample size but how much remains to be seen.

All Time Goals Leaders

Rank	Name	GP	Goals	Assists	Points
1	Hicks	120	101	64	165
2	Probie	68	80	26	106
3	Guido	62	76	25	101
4	Jack	97	73	38	111
5	Neil	67	59	32	91
6	Sam	59	57	54	111
7	Derek	53	54	42	96
8	Westley	46	53	27	80
9	Jason Campbell	55	52	20	72
10	Mike Stern	51	48	17	65
11	Sam Gelman	43	47	16	63
12	Alex	115	44	50	94
13	Cherie	111	43	48	92
14	Jeff Oberg	56	42	21	63
15	Mike Tarnow	107	40	77	117

The goals list is also similar but in a different order. The 40 goal club is pretty much who you’d expect. Hicks is the only player over 100 and no one else is really close; Jack is next among active players with 73 and probably needs 3 seasons to hit it although he would tell you he only needs one. Probert and Guido were scoring so far above a goal per game that it’s tough to envision anyone matching their rate anytime soon. Stern and Gelman should both be in the top 10 by the end of this upcoming season and by the end of 2024 they could climb as high as 5th. Probably will need a bit more time to catch the retired Guido/Probert #s or Jack who will keep putting up goals I’m sure.

All Time Assists Leaders

Rank	Name	GP	Goals	Assists	Points
1	Mike Tarnow	107	40	77	117
2	Hicks	121	101	64	165
3	Sam	59	57	54	111
4	Alex	115	44	50	94
5	Cherie	111	43	48	91
6	Derek	53	54	42	96
7	Jack	97	73	38	111
8	Matt Russo	104	30	34	64
9	Meg	50	37	33	70
10	Neil	67	59	32	91

Believe it or not the assists list is even more competitive than the goal list with only six players notching 40 assists. For some reason it’s all or nothing: four of them have over 100 games played (four of only six players to hit that mark) while the other two have less than 60. Sam is the only player to be even close to an assist per game although I should mention that Luke was above that mark, albeit in a very small sample size.

All Time Ladies Scoring Leaders

Rank	Name	GP	Goals	Assists	Points
1	Cherie	111	43	48	91
2	Meg	50	37	33	70
3	Annie	79	33	31	64
4	Tash	76	22	21	43
5	Cheeky	33	24	17	41
6	Ryann	62	23	18	41
7	Julie	77	14	24	38
8	Cara	29	20	15	35

Cherie and Meg have dominated this list pretty much since I created the all-time stats page but this season Annie will probably pass Meg for 2nd all time, a spot she’ll hold for a really long time. Much of it, of course, on the back of the Summer 2023 season where she not only captained Lavender to a cup but put up 17 points which represents over 25% of her career total. Pretty impressive indeed. My personal prediction for this list: no one will ever pass Cherie. We’ll revisit this prediction at the 10th anniversary gala. If Cara comes back and plays for a while, she could make things interesting.

Goalie Wins

Rank	Name	GP	Wins	SO
1	Zisser	99	44	5
2	Max	65	39	3
3	Jeff Green	45	35	8
4	Casca	61	35	7
5	Corey	56	27	1

I sent Zisser this list after making it and his response was “good thing it’s not win percentage. Easy to see why he feels this way as with his massive games played total, he is the all-time leader in both wins and losses. If we were measuring by win percentage, Jeff Green’s is a crazy 77.8%. With the league parity resulting from the draft system and consequent somewhat random placement of goalies, everyone else with a large sample size is hovering around .500, as you’d expect.

Career Minutes Per Goal (Minimum 19 Games Started)

Rank	Name	GP	Wins	Minutes	Goals Allowed	Min/Goal	Estimated GAA
1	Tim K	19	14	748	38	19.68	1.98
2	Jeff Green	45	35	1833.5	96	19.10	2.15
3	Campbell	25	17	1045	58	18.02	2.16
4	Phelps	30	19	1252	79	15.85	2.59
5	Ryan Waldman	23	13	974	67	14.54	3.10
6	Max	65	39	2683.5	194	13.83	2.96
7	Zisser	99	44	4071	319	12.76	3.13

Since game lengths have fluctuated from 39 minutes to 45 minutes throughout the league’s history, it is difficult to accurately gauge official GAA on the classic calculation which translates minutes played to a precise games # and then divides that into goals. As such, I have created a new but similar metric which is how many minutes each goalie plays, on average, before allowing a goal. I also tried to estimate GAA adjusting by what era each goalie played in but it’s such a rough estimate that Min/Goal, unusual as it is, is probably the fairer metric, although as with all goalie calculations it doesn’t account for the strength (or godawful defense) of some of their teams throughout the years.

Single Season Records
Goals – 26 (Guido, Summer/Fall 2021)
Assists – 17 (Sam, Summer/Fall 2021)
Points – 31 (Guido & Sam, Summer/Fall 2021)
Goals (10 Game Season) – 18 (Neil, Spring 2022)
Assists (10 Game Season) – 11 (Sam, Summer 2022)
Points (10 Game Season)  – 22 (Neil, Spring 2022)
Win % – 1.000 (The Charging Cheetahs, Summer 2018)
Goals Scored Per Game (Team) – 5.67 (The Varsity Warriors, Summer 2018)
Goals Allowed Per Game (Team) – 0.8 (EJ Entertainment, Fall 2022)

The goals/assists/points total accumulated during our first and only jumbo season (15 games) will likely never be topped in a regular 10 game season so I’ve listed those records separately. Neil’s Spring 2022 was sick but I should also note that 1/3 of those goals came in a single game where the goalie was AK. He lobbied to play in net for months, finally got his chance and submitted a truly historic performance, and not really in a good way. This was at the tail end of the players-jumping-in-goal movement which started with Meg and Jack putting on good shows but quickly devolved into AK and Oberg doing crazy shit in there. Funnily enough when I went back to try to find video of AK getting smoke behind the woodshed by Neil the only highlight I put up from that game was these AK Saves. Possibly because they were the only ones he made all night? Most likely.

As someone who put Joel in net in last week’s LBS game I do somewhat miss the insanity of this era, but probably best that we leave goaltending to the professionals (or as professional as our crew of goalies are, which is not very). Also I double-checked and turns out I did those box scores while on a flight to Vegas for Zisser’s bachelor party. Maybe one day I’ll go back and add them.

Single Game Records
Goals – 6 (Neil, Week 4, Spring 2022)
Assists – 5 (Ryan Levine, Week 8, Fall 2023)
Points – 8 (Meg, Week 9, Summer/Fall 2021)
Goals (Team) – 11 Goals (MelRose Place, Week 12, Summer 2023)
Highest Scoring Game – 17 Goals (Green Street Hooligans over Pink Lemonade, Week 4, Summer 2022) & (Hungry Hippos over Shooting Blancs, Week 13, Summer 2023)

Like I said, that Week 4 game was ridiculous. Congrats to Levine for setting the assist mark last season which I likely would have forgotten about had he not reminded me. MelRose put up 11 goals in a beatdown of the Mensches that reminds me of Passover but before all the Moses stuff begins (yes, MelRose plays the role of the Egyptians in this hastily put together analogy). I don’t get how some games in this league have 2 goals and some have 17 but it does make sense that both 17 goal games took place on Fridays.

Most Championships
4: Mike Goose
3: Sam, Rockoff, Kolenberg, Sanchick, Meehan, Goose, Brett Cantor, Mike Wright, Julie, Annie & Emily Barbour
2: Over 30 people tied

A truly ridiculous stat as 11 players are tied with 3 but Goose stands alone with 4. He appears to have missed this season’s registration but will likely be back in the Summer to cherrypick, yell at me and chase that elusive fifth ring.

And with that…that’s about all the stats I can take for a day. Reminder that all of these are tracked manually so if you feel your stats were miscounted or you should be on one of these lists, DM me for a personal audit (not nearly as fun as it sounds). Work hard, train hard and one day you too can be listed up here with the greats.