The Goaldiggers vs East River Kraken
2nd Period:
KRAK (1-0) – Campbell (1) (assisted by Cat Boyd) (2:57)
DIG (1-1) – Guido (2) (assisted by Tarnow) (9:15)
KRAK (2-1) – Campbell (2) (assisted by Sean) (13:48)
3rd Period:
KRAK (3-1) – Lily (1) (assisted by Ramy) (5:37)
DIG (2-3) – Sanchick (1) (assisted by Tarnow) (8:24)
DIG (3-3) – Guido (3) (assisted by Tarnow) (14:24)
Overtime:
KRAK (4-3) – Sean (1) (assisted by Braun) (2:59)
GAME NOTES: The first game of the first Friday of the season saw the Kraken pick up their first win of the season off the back of Campbell having a monster sub game and Lily answering Braun’s texts for the first time this year. Kraken might want to look into getting her a company phone for the rest of the season, otherwise they will face swift rejection like Braun did for much of his pre-Jenna sex life…there was a post buzzer challenge by the Goaldiggers alleging that Sean’s windup was high on the winning goal. Unfortunately a quick review of the footage showed that backup camera operator Ryann did not capture the shot at all. Tough luck but also prob didn’t matter as most people surveyed thought the windup was very cool and very legal…I really wish Kraken games would stop going to OT as they’ve made us run behind schedule every week and put us in danger of having to pay out Jess’ post-10 PM start bet. Also no idea how Campbell lasted til round 11 in the player draft, he’s a true horse. It had to be said.
THREE STARS OF THE GAME:
3rd – Lily (1G)
2nd – Tarnow (3A)
1st – Free Agent Campbell (2G)
Royals vs Mavericks
1st Period:
MAV (1-0) – Ryann (1) (assisted by Kevin Mahoney) (3:56)
ROY (1-1) – Meg (1) (assisted by Noah) (7:03)
ROY (2-1) – Derek (3) (assisted by Scotty) (10:02)
2nd Period:
ROY (3-1) – Scotty (3) (assisted by Meg) (0:15)
MAV (2-3) – Jason (5) (unassisted) (5:35)
ROY (4-2) – Derek (4) (assisted by Noah) (13:56)
3rd Period:
ROY (5-2) – Russo (1) (assisted by Meg) (2:20)
ROY (6-2) – Derek (5) (unassisted) (10:34)
GAME NOTES: The Mavericks took an early lead but then watched the Royals score 6 of the remaining 7 goals en route to a 6-2 win. The knife was really twisted by Derek who picked up a hat trick including one of his famous sex goals to send the Mavs to 0-2…before, during and after this game there was a ton of boozing. That probably explains why I don’t remember much about this one.
THREE STARS OF THE GAME:
3rd – Scotty (1G, 1A)
2nd – Meg (1G, 2A)
1st – Derek (3G)
My Cup Size Is Stanley vs Hungry Hippos
1st Period:
HIP (1-0) – Neil (4) (unassisted) (4:01)
HIP (2-0) – Neil (5) (assisted by Chris Daly) (6:30)
HIP (3-0) – Neil (6) (assisted by Meatbox) (14:31)
2nd Period:
HIP (4-0) – Neil (7) (assisted by DRo) (3:16)
HIP (5-0) – Neil (8) (unassisted) (10:53)
CUP (1-5) – Ramy (1) (assisted by Campbell) (12:43)
3rd Period:
CUP (2-5) – Ramy (2) (assisted by Cherie) (2:41)
HIP (6-2) – Chris Daly (1) (assisted by Eli) (5:55)
HIP (7-2) – Neil (9) (unassisted) (10:28)
GAME NOTES: A record setting performance by Neil as he picks up an astonishing six goals in a single game. It’s less astonishing when you know that the opposing goalie was AK but still pretty damn impressive…to his credit Austin did make a few big saves in this one. Unfortunately black was missing a bunch of players, as per usual, and even AK’s best efforts weren’t enough to ward off the Hippos onslaught. Well, I guess he did ward off most of their onslaught as somehow only one person scored for yellow besides Neil and that was Chris Daly. Meatbox in shambles…Neil had so many goals in this one that even cutting a highlight reel of them on a plane to Vegas was nearly impossible. Just imagine a fast bearded Jewish man repeatedly shooting top corner. It was good stuff.
THREE STARS OF THE GAME:
3rd – Free Agent Ramy (2G)
2nd – Chris Daly (1G, 1A)
1st – Neil (Duh)
Mavericks vs Hungry Hippos
2nd Period:
MAV (1-0) – Ryann (2) (assisted by Nestor) (5:02)
3rd Period:
HIP (1-1) – Hicks (2) (assisted by Neil) (2:11)
Overtime:
HIP (2-1) – Neil (10) (PP) (assisted by Hicks) (4:48)
GAME NOTES: This game featured one of the most absurd situations ever witnessed at D5 as Eric, the Mavericks goalie, parked in the project lot next door. Midway through the game, there was shouting from the lot for him to move his car as he had apparently parked in someone’s spot. I wondered how they knew it was him specifically and someone said they were yelling it was the goalie and they saw his bag. Great bit of detective work by our neighbors even though they failed to observe the age old rule that snitches get stitches. Since Eric had to stay in goal Nestor helped his team by swapping his red jersey for a valet attendant’s vest and reparking Eric’s car. This all took place during the 2nd period…I mean it’s not 100% different from her standard MO but I don’t think Ryann crossed the red line in this game unless it was to come on and off of the bench in periods 1 & 3. 2nd you start in the offensive zone so no issues there…Neil won the game on a borderline buzzer beater with 12 seconds left in OT. Where do you draw the line for a buzzer beater? Because technically he did beat the buzzer by 12 seconds. Discuss…Hicks is trying to rebrand to assistbox, following in the footsteps of Probert who, through the time of this writing, had 0 goals and 1 assist on the season…Mavericks remain winless on the season but picked up their first point here. Funnily enough they have led 1-0 in all three of their matches thus far but can’t quite close out the win…yet.
THREE STARS OF THE GAME:
3rd – AJ (1 GA)
2nd – Defensebox (1G, 1A)
1st – Neil (GWG, A)
The Goaldiggers vs The Blue Balls Of Sex
1st Period:
DIG (1-0) – Guido (4) (assisted by Brett Cantor) (11:31)
DIG (2-0) – Miles (3) (assisted by Jake Kolenberg) (14:57)
2nd Period:
DIG (3-0) – Adam Satok (3) (assisted by Brett Cantor) (7:45)
DIG (4-0) – Mike Stern (3) (assisted by Miles) (11:41)
3rd Period:
DIG (5-0) – Adam Satok (4) (assisted by Guido) (1:34)
SEX (1-5) – Sig (1) (PP) (assisted by Corey) (10:47)
DIG (6-1) – Mike Stern (4) (PP) (assisted by Miles) (13:37)
GAME NOTES: This game was a pretty thorough domination by the Goaldiggers as they continue to win most of their games by a pretty hefty margin. Satok & Stern had two goals each while Miles continues his D5 revenge tour with yet another multi-point effort. Blue Balls had their chances but AJ was in the zone and only allowed one goal with less than five minutes left. Battle for Frey supremacy is on…with the win the Goaldiggers solidify their hold on 1st place and boast an impressive +11 goal differential through four games, meaning their average margin of victory is about three goals. Losing Miles will definitely hurt in the playoffs but this team looks ready for another trip to the finals.
THREE STARS OF THE GAME:
3rd – AJ (1 GA)
2nd – Adam Satok (2G)
1st – Miles (1G, 2A)
The Grapes vs Royals
1st Period:
ROY (1-0) – Pags (1) (assisted by Meg) (5:23)
GRP (1-1) – AK (4) (assisted by Jack) (7:29)
GRP (2-1) – Kev (1) (assisted by Josh Wagner) (10:39)
ROY (2-2) – Vanessa (1) (assisted by Justin) (14:36)
2nd Period:
ROY (3-2) – Justin (1) (assisted by Mike Wright) (4:12)
GRP (3-3) – Mikey (1) (assisted by AK) (5:18)
GRP (4-3) – Jack (3) (assisted by Mikey) (9:41)
3rd Period:
ROY (4-4) – ScottyK (4) (SH) (assisted by Meg) (6:03)
GRP (5-4) – Jack (4) (unassisted) (11:03)
ROY (5-5) – Meg (2) (assisted by Adam Herman) (12:32)
GRP (6-5) – Mikey (2) (assisted by AK) (14:32)
GRP (7-5) – AK (5) (EN) (unassisted) (14:59)
GAME NOTES: Despite the presence of two very athletic, very strong, very Jewish goaltenders, this game was an all-out scoring blitz. Particularly the last 4 minutes of the 3rd period which saw four goals scored. Lots of stat padding in this one…AK and Jack, after a slow start, are now both top 5 in league scoring. Neither one has ever won the scoring title…Mikey picked a great time to score his first two goals of the season. With the victory purple stays in a top four standings spot and holds off orange who are trying to break into bye-land themselves. Jack also gets the victory over Meg in what might be their last D5 matchup ever unless these teams meet in the playoffs, and we all pray they will.
THREE STARS OF THE GAME:
3rd – Jack (2G, 1A)
2nd – Mikey (2G, 1A)
1st – AK (2G, 2A)
My Cup Size Is Stanley vs The Grapes
1st Period:
GRP (1-0) – Jack (5) (unassisted) (5:51)
CUP (1-1) – Metz (2) (unassisted) (7:09)
GRP (2-1) – Kev (2) (assisted by Max) (8:01)
2nd Period:
CUP (2-2) – Sean Gavin (2) (unassisted) (1:10)
GRP (3-2) – Josh Wagner (3) (assisted by Jack) (7:02)
3rd Period:
CUP (3-3) – Yehuda (1) (unassisted) (6:10)
GRP (4-3) – Jack (6) (assisted by AK) (8:08)
GRP (5-3) – Jack (7) (assisted by Nick) (9:00)
GRP (6-3) – Josh Wagner (4) (assisted by AK) (13:43)
GAME NOTES: This gameslot was requested by Wagner and Grapes management before the season even began and they certainly made it count with Josh scoring a goal and Jack netting a hat trick in taking down a motivated Cup Size squad…this was Dave GDR’s return to the net and he made a number of great saves in this one. Unfortunately a few defensive breakdowns and a few clean looks for Jack spelled doom for the black squad…after some early season scoring woes, The Grapes seem to be hitting their stride with 13 goals in the past two games. Well done patio team 2.0. Somewhere in Boston, Source is silently crying and it’s not just because of all the terrible things he’s done.
THREE STARS OF THE GAME:
3rd – Kev (1G)
2nd – Josh Wagner (2G)
1st – Jack (3G, 1A)
Green Street Hooligans vs Royals
1st Period:
ROY (1-0) – Derek (1) (unassisted) (1:03)
GSH (1-1) – Austin Lyons (2) (assisted by Kevin Aylesworth) (2:28)
2nd Period:
GSH (2-1) – Probie (1) (assisted by Westley) (0:59)
GSH (3-1) – Westley (6) (SH) (assisted by Amanda) (4:05)
GSH (4-1) – Probie (2) (assisted by Austin Lyons) (6:03)
GSH (5-1) – Austin Lyons (3) (assisted by Alex Rickard) (8:02)
GSH (6-1) – Nate Lerner (1) (assisted by Glanzer) (13:24)
3rd Period:
GSH (7-1) – Amanda (1) (assisted by Probie) (2:47)
GSH (8-1) – Amanda (2) (assisted by Probie) (14:02)
GSH (9-1) – Austin Lyons (4) (assisted by Amanda) (14:48)
GAME NOTES: A fairly shocking result in this one as the Royals open the scoring a minute into the game only to see the Hooligans rip off 9 straight goals and (obviously) take control of the rest of the game. Austin Lyons nets his first career hat trick while Probie continues to (shockingly) put up assists and rookie Amanda, a softball player with no hockey experience, continues to put up an impressive rookie of the year campaign. She is now tied for the lead in female scoring halfway through the season…Waldman came out of retirement to sub in this one and was rewarded with a Hooligans onslaught and some post-game trolling from Rich. Life is unfair.
THREE STARS OF THE GAME:
3rd – Amanda (2G, 2A)
2nd – Probie (2G, 2A)
1st – Austin Lyons (3G, 1A)
Hungry Hippos vs Blue Balls Of Sex
1st Period:
HIP (1-0) – Neil (11) (assisted by Robyn) (0:24)
2nd Period:
HIP (2-0) – Hicks (3) (assisted by Neil) (9:08)
3rd Period:
SEX (1-2) – Sig (3) (assisted by Kelsey) (13:07)
GAME NOTES: With the Hooligans nipping at their heels fresh off a 9-1 win, the Hippos defend their top 3 place in the standings with a hard fought 2-1 victory in the former Fireball Bowl, now rebranded to the Preworkout Bowl, soon to be the Preworkout Gummy Bowl (they really are excellent). Neil scores less than 30 seconds into the game, Hicks scores off a faceoff one timer and AJ stands on his head to hold blue to only one goal for his 2nd straight week (last week in a sub appearance for white). After finishing bottom half of the standings the past two seasons the Hippos are looking for their first playoff bye since Fall 2019 and with the way the top line and AJ are playing, they just might get it. Robyn also keeps scoring (or almost scoring) with that crazy shot of hers. Team is firing on all cylinders but also have one of the toughest rest of season strength of schedules. It’s going to be an extremely tight race for 4th as they will look to hold off the Royals, Balls and possibly even the Kraken for that coveted bye.
THREE STARS OF THE GAME:
3rd – Hicks (GWG)
2nd – Neil (1G, 1A)
1st – AJ (1 GA)
East River Kraken vs The Goaldiggers
1st Period:
KRAK (1-0) – Jared (3) (assisted by DRo) (1:45)
DIG (1-1) – Miles (4) (assisted by Liz Boylan) (5:15)
2nd Period:
DIG (2-1) – Guido (5) (assisted by Tarnow) (0:04)
DIG (3-1) – Stern (5) (assisted by Miles) (2:20)
DIG (4-1) – Sanchick (2) (assisted by Zach Weiner) (7:06)
DIG (5-1) – Tash (2) (assisted by Guido) (13:13)
DIG (6-1) – Guido (6) (assisted by Miles) (14:28)
3rd Period:
DIG (7-1) – Adam Satok (5) (assisted by Tash) (3:18)
DIG (8-1) – Miles (5) (assisted by Guido) (4:33)
DIG (9-1) – Adam Satok (6) (assisted by Guido) (5:23)
DIG (10-1) – Guido (7) (SH) (assisted by Miles) (9:02)
GAME NOTES: Kraken scored the first goal less than two minutes in but that was very much as good as it got for them as the Goaldiggers piled on 10 straight goals after that. Seems to be happening a lot this season actually. Maybe the new strategy should be to purposely give up the first goal then go on a run. Anyone playing blue in the coming weeks is very much invited to test out this revolutionary strategy…it was full on stat padding mode for the 2nd half of the game as the Goaldiggers tied a league record with 10 goals in a game, putting them even with the 10 goals scored by last year’s legendary Ducks team in Meg’s return game…Miles and Guido put up 5 and 6 points respectively to vault them into top 5 in league scoring. Unfortunately, no one seems to care about Tarnow. Very rude.
THREE STARS OF THE GAME:
3rd – Adam Satok (2G)
2nd – Miles (2G, 3A)
1st – Guido (3G, 3A)