1) Untitled Blue Team
Average Rank: 1.29
Highest Rank: 1
Lowest Rank: 3
Standard Deviation: 0.76
1st Place Votes: 6 of 7
Comments: Last season blue had zero supplementary picks and still managed to become the first team since 2019 to repeat as champs. This season the franchise went the other way with multiple supplementary picks for the first time in franchise history and a pretty solid threesome at that, if I may say so myself. They then went on to do the worst thing you can do to any threesome which is add Yehuda to it with a trade that shocked the league and had me fielding multiple calls inquiring about the state of my mental health. It’s a massive risk for the locker room but the kid’s got talent and in my opinion is in line for a career season. Meanwhile the roster is stacked and ready to take a run at being the first franchise to ever win three straight titles. Should be fun.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Somehow some way the degenerate’s Frey surrounds himself with end up being fun and I say this as someone who went to one Lbs dinner #believer”
“The return of Frey and his core of Sam/Chad/Phelps guarantees a three-peat. I didn’t even look at the rest of the roster. Or the rest of the league.”
“I don’t even have to look at the roster. All I heard is that 3 guys that would go in the top 5 in any sane league were somehow all comp picks for rounds 1 through ~4 and that tells me all I need to know.” (EDITOR’S NOTE: this actually really warmed my cold heart. Thank you, anonymous Ridzik)
“@Frey can you change my rankings and swap blue with gold since you’ve now acquired dollar store Andrew Schulz.“
2) UPS
Average Rank: 3.00
Highest Rank: 2
Lowest Rank: 4
Standard Deviation: 0.82
Comments: What can brown do for you? UPS similarly began their roster with a trifecta of electric talents both at the bar and on the rink as, fresh off an electric victory in Sea Isle NJ, Hicks, Jack and Cardello joined forced to create the first brown team in league history. Whether or not it’s in honor of the legend turned FBI agent known forever as “poopy pants Braun” is up for debate. What is not up for debate is that this team is strong, deep and a surefire contender for the cup.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“The amount of degeneracy on this team will be through the rink’s non-existent roof thanks to the unsavory combination of Hicks, Jack, and Unc. I’m all for it.”
“What a team Hicks constructed. Will Carter helped me ride the hottest hot streak I could’ve had to a point where my opponent had to nearly break my shoulder to stop me. This was a Lucas Duda-esque streak (iykyk) and now put him on a line with Hicks? Add in Brita who can crash the net better than 90% of this league? Finish it off with Unc who single handedly sent me into retirement? (it wasn’t my job or the shoulder, it was Unc, I lied) Wagon, but not good enough to beat blue. (Maybe +330 is worth a nibble and a hedge..?)”
“Not sure what insane trade Hicks did to get Jack and Kev but that’s guaranteed fun. Also Brita and Cardello really add some funk. Hicks too when he’s on one. I miss drunk Taco Bell era Hicks and his publicly posted texts from the toilet the next day.“
T3) Red Floyd
Average Rank: 3.71
Highest Rank: 2
Lowest Rank: 6
Standard Deviation: 1.60
Comments: I think the public is too high on red, partially due to their reputation for regular season success, but one things for sure: this is certainly better than last seasons squad and they are going to be highly dangerous offensively. Their fortunes will likely rise and fall with Wes and Sonj’s attendance but at full strength, they should be one of the better teams in the league, especially if Tarnow regains his form after a few down seasons.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Blah blah blah Nate Lerner system blah blah lot’s of yelling directed at Goose blah blah blah Tarnow too delicate for the heat.“
“Strong in all areas. A US national team goalie, steady defense, and a return of the Lines 1A (top player, Tarnow sets up top player) and 1B (the Weaver Bros connection) format that made them a contender for 3 seasons straight. The Team of Friendship was a nice break, but this team is ready to return to being lethal. The one question is if Tarnow can find his game, which seems lost the last few seasons.“
“They took the better Yehuda.”
T3) Clappin’ Cheeks
Average Rank: 3.71
Highest Rank: 1
Lowest Rank: 6
Standard Deviation: 1.98
1st Place Votes: 1 of 7
Comments: Last season’s silver medalists have adopted that color as they were originally set to do before Tommy found his storeroom stocked with black leopard t-shirts just aching for a D5 logo. Not quite sure why we have both a silver and a white team but that’s a concern for another day (that day being July 26). A solid squad that won’t be nearly as high scoring as last season’s version but should be a top 5 team regardless with the potential to make a run come playoff time.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Similar team as last season plus a top goalie.”
“Depth scoring at forward, Pete and Andrew holding down the D and both huge offensive D threats. Jeff in goal. Biggest question mark is girls.”
“The return of the cheeks is basically gonna be bananalands. The team will score, they have Jeff in net who is allegedly not gonna be in a K-hole in the middle of a disease ridden desert wasteland this year (that’s Burning Man for all you uncultured muppets), and at 4-1 you’re robbing the book. Too talented to not lose to blue in the championship game after Frey finds some rule that states Blue starts with a 3-0 lead because Duke punted in Madden one time when he was 12.”
5) My Cup Size Is Stanley
Average Rank: 5.86
Highest Rank: 3
Lowest Rank: 10
Standard Deviation: 2.54
Comments: Boobs are back. In some ways, they never left. Jenn made some suspect picks and I’m still not convinced she understands the concept of possession but rankers have this team pegged at #5 which is pretty damn solid, all things considered. Jo and Minsky get to rekindle their connection from NJ leagues (no, that J does not stand for Jewish) while Mikey will move from being The Smurfs‘ #3 dman to top dog, minutes eater and legit Norris contender on Cup Size. AJ’s health and how Jenn fares in her return to hockey will be the two x-factors that determine how far this team goes.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Not going to lie, Jenn did a surprisingly good job here. Comped a top goalie, picked up the elite Jewsome-Twosome in Jo and Minsky, and somehow still managed to get Jeff Campbell, as if everyone forgot he’s basically a carbon copy of his brother. The defense is rounded out by Mikey, DRo, and Ray, which will make it very hard to generate high danger shots on AJ.”
“Brilliant job drafting by Jenn to take Robin, who doesn’t know how to shoot, and Minsky, who doesn’t know how to pass (allegedly), and put them together. This is a dangerous combo, like a chinese buffet before a doubleheader. But I think this team will go far, unless she splits them up like Big did to Carrie and Aiden on Sex and the City.“
“I feel bad ranking them this low but it’s clear Jenn has some rust to knock off. The Sharks of D5. AJ coming back will help but not seeing shots in a while (at least from my understanding he hasn’t) may lead to a transition that will be too tough for them to overcome. Mikey may show up to 1 game, DRo will definitely lead the league in PIMs (can I get a line on this Frey?) and I’m pretty sure Jenn will a higher number of boobs than total points come end of the season (again, can I get a line here?)“
T6) Ninja Turtles
Average Rank: 6.43
Highest Rank: 2
Lowest Rank: 8
Standard Deviation: 2.44
Comments: The public is fairly meh on green but also history has shown the public sucks at gambling on this league. At full strength I think this is certainly a top 3 team and Luke is likely to make 8 of 10 regular season games with Cherie just a two hour drive away. Ariel’s now in his second season as captain and Caleb’s my early frontrunner for rookie of the year. Unless Zisser develops some mysterious malady right before the playoffs as he did last season, I see this as a surefire contender with the horses to run with anyone.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“The first half of their draft was really good. They have elite defense in Ariel and Caleb. Able to get solid goaltending with Zisser, have the best lady in the draft in Cherie, and Luke is arguably a top 3 player in this draft as long as he shows up. But around round 8 until the end of the draft there were some questionable picks, which makes me wonder whether they have the depth required for sustained success of a summer season.“
“Last time Luke and Julie played together, Julie had the most points for a woman in the league. Can their connection resurface? Biggest worry is about Lukes attendance.”
T6) The GoldMembers
Average Rank: 6.43
Highest Rank: 4
Lowest Rank: 9
Standard Deviation: 1.62
Comments: Gold is similarly being underrated by the public, partially due to justified concerns over how many games Corey and Neil will make and partially due to people just being poor talent evaluators in general. This team has speed, skill and more than a bit of veteran savvy. If the D holds up and the health/Phish reports are favorable for attendance, this is going to be a top team that surprises a lot of people. If tons of top players miss tons of games, this could get ugly quick. Along with green, the widest range of potential outcomes of any team in the league. For obvious reasons, I am bullish on both.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Good team but like, boring. Literally boring. They’ll play good hockey, they have talent, but like, what will they do well? Idk what their identity will be, but they need to find it if they wanna have a shot to make the championship game and lose to Frey. Don’t even think about touching 4-1.“
“With Minsky gone, Joe couldn’t resist a reunion with Yehuda, but will Corey Spector be able to fill the gaping hole that he left?”
“Tough when one of your closest friends is on the same team as yehuda. Petition to start referring to him as ‘the old yehuda’ since there’s two in the league.”
(EDITORS NOTE: Your anonymous friend is saved, but the petition is granted)
8) The Seahorses
Average Rank: 7.57
Highest Rank: 4
Lowest Rank: 10
Standard Deviation: 2.07
Comments: Yellow had a draft that I can only describe as “interesting.” Russo was their 3rd rounder but is slated to miss the entire playoffs, one of their girls has never played hockey before and their goalie is a DC transplant who has never played in this league. That said, I think he is actually going to be quite good and in the games Fitz is able to make, they will be solid. The games he misses, however, are a completely different story and in those I think they’re likely to be one of the weakest teams in the league.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“No one knew who Will Phifer was, except for apparently Mel. The after draft chatter is that he’s actually really good and played D1 of some sort in DC. This makes this potentially the steal of the draft at Round 8. She also drafted the two Canadian players who probably dance the most in their hockey playing style. With those two and a handful of other nice picks, this should be an elite possession team. But finishing ability is questionable in this roster make-up. This team has a Carolina Hurricanes vibe, which makes sense with Herman, who values analytics, being a part of the braintrust.“
“Another season, another new co-captain for Mel, although I think this time it could actually work out (sorry Michelle!). On paper this is a dirty team but the big question mark is the goaltending. Who is Will Phifer? Is he another friend of Max’s from high school? Will he make it through the season? Can he party like Jeff and Phelps? Has he ever seen Shawshank Redemption? So many unknowns.”
“I really don’t know what Mel is/was doing or thinking, but if this is somehow a sign, it’s either one for help, a sign to hang em up as a captain, or a sign to send her on a one way mandatory trip to grippy sock jail. I feel bad that Herman is stuck to her side on this one and post draft, it’s clear he’s trapped by Mel worse than Jacob Trouba is by his wife (yes I went there. I said I didn’t care.) This defensive core (if you even wanna call it that) will leave the slot more split open than Moses parting the Red Sea, their goalie should be solid (again, it’s compared to me so the bar is basically in hell there) but the team won’t find the back of the net. If I can get a line on Herman as leading scorer (probably gonna be -365 knowing Frey), I want it.“
9) White Walkers
Average Rank: 8.00
Highest Rank: 6
Lowest Rank: 10
Standard Deviation: 1.73
Comments: Somehow white came away from this draft with 5 players whose first names start with M. That’s legitimately 1/3 of their roster. I’m not sure if that’s going to help them win games but it’s something to think about. As far as the hockey goes, let’s just say I have some concerns. If Corey maintains his goalie of the year excellence from last season and Stern/Satok, each a former scoring champ, can regain that form they will have a shot at making some noise. If issues arise with attendance or chemistry, I fear winter has come for the white franchise.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“A team of super nice people, if their top forwards consistently show up, they can be a winning team.”
“Pelletier’s attendance will decide how good this team is. Lots of grit on this team. If Corey has the season he had last season I can see them jumping up in the rankings.”
10) Merry Pranksters
Average Rank: 9.00
Highest Rank: 6
Lowest Rank: 10
Standard Deviation: 1.41
Comments: The shock of the draft was Gelman selecting Simon with the 3rd overall pick after Jenn sniped Jo Robin one pick ahead of him. As always, this Pranksters team will be all about vibes. I don’t think they’ll be able to match last year’s 3rd place finish and legit contender status, but I also don’t they’re going to be quite as bad as many rankers believe. Much will depend on how Gelman/Simon mesh and how good the new goalie ends up being but I don’t think they’re last place material. The defense is too good and Gelman’s grown as a captain these past few seasons. Still a likely play-in team but one that could surprise.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Gelman’s teams always look questionable in the beginning, but somehow they manage to win a few games.”
“After several seasons of loading the offense to pad his goal scoring, Gelman finally decided defense was important. Just one problem. I count 7, yes 7!, players who have mostly played defense their entire D5 careers. Sam may have overcompensated here. Is the plan to just go 2 forward, 3 defenseman for most of the game? I am intrigued on how this will play out.”
“Gelman came out of captaincy retirement for this? Reminds me of Brett Farve coming back just to play for the Jets and not make the playoffs. But we’ll see.“
(EDITOR’S NOTE: No dick pics pls)