1) SexyBack
Average Rank: 1.60
Previous Rank: 1 (unchanged)
Highest Rank: 1
Lowest Rank: 3
Standard Deviation: 0.70
1st Place Votes: 5 of 10
Comments: Only played one game but it was a 4-0 beatdown of yellow. To be fair there’s been a lot of beating down yellow this season but even with Phelps’ impending move to Georgia and Chad’s mysterious back issues, this is most likely the team to beat. Yehuda career season incoming.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“In the words of Ridzik “RIGGED!!”. Will be interesting to see what happens with Phelps gone and Jeff Green supposedly going to China for a month since he’s already qualified for BTSH playoffs. At least that’s a rumor I heard. Unclear if the rumor has any merit or if drunk people like to start shit. All that said, I know better than to bet against a team with Sammy, Chad and Frey.”
“Was nice to see to see Mr. Frey score in his first game back. Almost shed a tear but then remembered it was Alex.”
“I think this team is overrated and I look forward to proving it.”
2) Red Floyd
Average Rank: 2.00
Previous Rank: 3 (up 1)
Highest Rank: 1
Lowest Rank: 4
Standard Deviation: 1.05
1st Place Votes: 4 of 10
Comments: Red is off to a dream start with 19 goals scored and only 3 against in their first 5 games. Some would call them “red hot,” but not sure if I can stoop to that level of dad joke. In any case, they’re in pole position for the president’s trophy and look to be firing on all cylinders early in the season.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“With the Spector bros separated, this might be the year of the Weaver. Also looks like Tarnow may have finally finished grieving his Guido loss and made the new Yehuda in town his replacement. New additions Wes and Sonj give this team a real chance to go far this season.”
“Played them 3 times already (once as a goalie sub but whatever). Fuck them, they’re good and its annoying. Can this be the season for them? No idea thats the beauty of it.”
“How have they played 5 games already? No doubt this is a good team, but I worry that their early success will make them comfortably numb. The Nate Lerner system is known for their regular season dubs, but their inability to deliver when it matters most could make this season another brick in the wall of red hot disappointment.”
“Regular season merchants. Great when there are heaps of space but what can you do for me in a tight playoff game? When it’s a war. Destined to be bounced in the semi-final after a huge late season lay off.”
3) Layin’ Pipe
Average Rank: 2.80
Previous Rank: 4 (up 1)
Highest Rank: 1
Lowest Rank: 4
Standard Deviation: 0.92
1st Place Votes: 1 of 10
Comments: Pipe has picked up right where they left off last season with a formidable offensive attack now augmented by the elite goaltending of Jeff Green. After assuring everyone that he was skipping Burning Man this year, his classic summer flakiness is back to major concern status as he recently booked a trip to China for late August. If he gets trapped there either as a political prisoner or for a back-of-van sex vacation ala 2021, Pipe’s championship chances will take a major hit (ironically due to him layin’ pipe himself). If he is indeed in town for the cup run, silver’s a sneaky pick to lift the trophy.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Look good, play better, lay pipe best. Well rounded team that cannot be contained. Red game was a fluke, Pipe was missing half their top talent, including the eggiest of the heads, Andrew.”
“Dom is sick. Levine is sick. How much longer will the league allow that duo to operate together without serious draft pick ramifications?”
“No way Pete can pull off the Lufthansa heist.”
4) My Cup Size Is Stanley
Average Rank: 4.40
Previous Rank: 5 (up 1)
Highest Rank: 2
Lowest Rank: 7
Standard Deviation: 1.26
Comments: I remain lower on this team than the public but there’s no question about it – that first game was electric. That said, I would like to see them beat a team that actually plays defense before throwing them in my top five but it does look like they are probably coming in above expectations. The return of both AJ and Jenn from various non-sex related injuries (or so I’ve been told) is the major wildcard that will determine how their season goes.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Minsky attempted AND completed a pass in their previous game. Stock rising.”
“Top heavy, but it’s a heavy top.”
“Actually deeper than it appears. AJ is the stabilizer here. If he plays up to expectations JR and Minsky can provide enough scoring.”
5) The GoldMembers
Average Rank: 5.10
Previous Rank: 7 (up 2)
Highest Rank: 3
Lowest Rank: 10
Standard Deviation: 2.02
Comments: Highest standard deviation of any team by far because someone shockingly ranked this team last even though they’re 3-1 with three straight victories. They’re giving up the 3rd most goals in the league but also scoring at the 2nd highest clip and their top line of Annie/Neil/Corey are all top 7 in scoring. As long as Corey can avoid phantom injuries and Neil can avoid weeks at a time on the road with Phish, this is going to be a formidable possession team and a major problem for anyone who has to face them come playoff time.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Very favorable schedule to start the season. Winning is contagious but I don’t think this team is good.“
“Well structured team that will keep getting better.”
“What can’t Annie do?!”
“The Reid for Yehuda trade might go down as one of the most lopsided transactions in D5 history. The question is, for which team?“
6) Ninja Turtles
Average Rank: 6.50
Previous Rank: 6 (unchanged)
Highest Rank: 5
Lowest Rank: 8
Standard Deviation: 0.97
Comments: The top of this lineup remains one of the scariest in the league but a few of them haven’t shown up while seemingly everyone else has. It’s been a shaky start but they’ve also played only two games and against two of the top teams at that. Once the schedule lightens up, they should ascend up the standings. Cowabunga indeed.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“My advice to this team: take early game slots and use the power of the sun to blind the other team by reflecting it off the strikingly high amount of bald heads you have.”
“Someone help Zisser out.”
“This team’s roster is better than being ranked 6, but they did lose both their games. When you combine that with the fact that Frey has exposed exactly how to destroy their goalie (just bring him out to ACME anywhere in the 72 hour range prior to playing against them….he may not even show up to play!) and knowing that no one in this league is above using alcohol as a method to win, they’re sitting at 6.“
7) UPS
Average Rank: 7.70
Previous Rank: 2 (down 5)
Highest Rank: 5
Lowest Rank: 10
Standard Deviation: 1.49
Comments: One of the craziest drops ever seen in power ranking history as brown falls from 2nd to 7th in just a week and a half. The 3.33 goals scored per game is a respectable total but the 7 goals allowed per game is on pace to shatter records. The vibes are electric as are the team socks but they badly need Liang back and some semblance of defensive support for Jacob to have any chance of meeting preseason expectations.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Hicks has spent more time grinding his CFB25 Dynasty than he has backchecking his entire career. This team doesn’t deliver, this team fucking socks.”
“What can brown do for you? Maybe play some defense, for starters. I like this team but goddamn they’ve given up 21 goals in 3 games. Looking forward to Hicks drunkenly emailing us all “bump” when they somehow win their play-in game.”
“Is this team going to concede the most goals in a season in D5 history? Cardello deserves better, should be traded to a contender.“
“Delivering packages (goals) to the wrong house (their own net).”
8) White Walkers
Average Rank: 7.80
Previous Rank: 9 (up 1)
Highest Rank: 5
Lowest Rank: 10
Standard Deviation: 1.62
Comments: They haven’t played a game yet but already moved up a spot because some teams were so bad that people were like “this team couldn’t possibly be worse.” I still think they could be, but for now they’re up to 8th. If everyone shows up the top 3 of Pelletier/Stern/Satok is going to be explosive but Brad’s shaky attendance makes the defense a major question mark heading into the season. We’ll know more by the time the next edition of these ranks drops.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Have they played? Do we even know who’s on this team?”
“Didn’t play a game, but already better than the Seahorses.”
“I almost put this team last but they haven’t played. Regardless they certainly aren’t good.“
9) Merry Pranksters
Average Rank: 8.00
Previous Rank: 10 (up 1)
Highest Rank: 5
Lowest Rank: 10
Standard Deviation: 1.70
Comments: The vibes on tie dye remain excellent, as always, but the hockey is shaky as they’re 1-3 with the lone victory over the Seahorses. Gelman and Simon have been solid and Jacob Berkowitz is a legit rookie of the year contender, but depth and team defense have been an issue. Perhaps Robyn’s return will give this team a spark as they look to recapture last season’s final four form.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Talked myself into this team as I stared at their team page. Won’t win, but won’t embarrass themselves.”
“Jerry Garcia would be very upset with the way this team is representing tie-dye.”
“Prime example of why we need relegation in American sports.”
10) The Seahorses
Average Rank: 9.10
Previous Rank: 8 (down 2)
Highest Rank: 7
Lowest Rank: 10
Standard Deviation: 0.99
Comments: In the first edition of these ranks I wrote that “in the games Fitz is able to make, they will be solid. The games he misses, however, are a completely different story and in those I think they’re likely to be one of the weakest teams in the league.” Even I could not have quite predicted how prescient that would turn out to be. In Tom’s one game this season, they put up five goals and gave a very solid gold team a run for their money. In the three he missed, they were outscored 11-2. I’m not sure they’re actually the worst team but until they get their leaky possession and vibes under control and until white starts playing/losing games, this is the bottom. And it’s no power bottom either.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Not much to say, this team is ass.”
“It’s over for Mel. The team with Storer and then the team that went to the final were massive missed opportunities for a championship. This franchise will be rebuilding for multiple seasons.”
“The hope was that Herman’s analytical mind would mesh nicely with Mel’s old school style. Doesn’t look like that. If only running a team was as easy as writing an article titled “Top 30 Places Jacob Trouba Will Land (You Won’t Believe #2).”
“No further comments at this time.”