Red Floyd (-250)
UPS (+160)
Over 7.5 (-110)
Under 7.5 (-130)
Notes: This over/under was so rough to sort out. UPS gives up more goals than any team in world history and Cardello may have offed himself by the time this game starts, but Sonj is also on a total heater right now. And if there’s anything that hundreds of lifetime trips to various casinos and sportsbooks have taught me, it’s that you don’t ever mess with a lady on a heater. Also, as if falling from 2nd to 7th in the latest edition of the power ranks wasn’t rough enough for brown, this was brought to my attention this morning:
This is legit quite bad for UPS shareholders and I’m not sure how they’re going to recover. I heard that Kev bodyslammed Jack through a table on their earnings call this morning but that didn’t do much to stop their share price’s descent. Their only chance in this game may be that Campbell is out and Tarnow is a GTD while Wes is kind of always a GTD. Not that Nate seems to care, of course.
Anyways this is normally where I would get into matchups and history and such but it’s another day where we’re watching the forecast in addition to wondering if the existing rain will even dry in time to play so not going to spend too much time writing about these matchups (well, not too much more than I already have). Instead I’m going to pick some random music videos I like and perhaps proffer some interesting facts about them because I actually have much experience with music videos, having created tons of video power hours in a past life (different past life from the one where I did magic at corporate events or event planning for a rooftop). So here’s Buddy Holly by Weezer. Why this video? Maybe because brown is looking for some happy days, maybe because the Nate Lerner System sounds like something a man would threaten his wife with back in the 50s. Either way, big fan of this video which used zero special effects but just practical editing and cutting to superimpose Weezer into a scene from the show. Favorite parts: 1:59, 2:12, 3:01 and of course 3:13. I’ve watched precisely 0 episodes of Happy Days in my life and I doubt most of you have, but top 10 music video for me. Also don’t sleep on brown in this game.
My Cup Size Is Stanley (-2.0 Goals) (-145)
Merry Pranksters (+2.0 Goals) (EVEN)
Over 7.0 (-120)
Under 7.0 (-120)
Notes: The Pranksters are struggling lately and I’m not sure if things will improve against Cup Size who got out to a hot start with an 8-4 win over UPS. Of course, 8 goals scored against brown only qualifies as slightly above average but still better than I expected. I’m higher on tie dye than the public and lower on black than the public but I’m still not sure if I see this going right for the Pranksters unless Phelps shows up completely blacked out, which of course cannot be ruled out. I almost hope that does happen, although it would screw blue in the later game. If black brings their full compliment of players, however, Gelman might be a lonely boy. Oh wow what a transition! Enjoy this music video where the Black Keys originally had a script and huge cast of like 30 people ready to roll and instead they just had this part time security guard improvise a dance and made that the music video. I wonder if I can hire him to work the D5 event.
By the way, bonus points if anyone guessed where I first heard this song. That said I am close to 100% certain that no one did.
Sidenote – time really is a flat circle.
The Seahorses (+3.5 Goals) (-115)
Layin’ Pipe (-3.5 Goals) (-125)
Over 7.0 (-120)
Under 7.0 (-120)
Notes: This is going to get ugly. Seahorses have Fitz but are missing their goalie and I have no idea who’s filling in at the moment. Pipe is missing Jeff and Pete but they have Phelps (or maybe Sonj) subbing for Jeff and missing games is pretty par for the course for Pete at this point. Remember when Ryan was on yellow for two seasons? Him leaving after yellow’s two best campaigns to start his own franchise with Pete/Tommy which has finished (or will finish) ahead of yellow in both seasons is pretty much this song. “Thanks for the memories, even though they weren’t so great.” Ok, maybe that was harsh.
Also no word on if Pete or Tommy is the guy who “tastes like you, only sweeter.” Inquiring minds want to know. As for your interesting music video fact – check out that thumbnail and/or the girl who pops up at the 2:42 mark. Look familiar? That is indeed a pre 25 surgeries Kim Kardashian, rocking out in a Fallout Boy music video. True story. Not coincidentally, pre-surgery Kim Kardashian is probably Pete’s dream girl. Post surgery too, come to think of it.
SexyBack (EVEN)
White Walkers (-145)
Over 6.5 (-120)
Under 6.5 (-120)
Notes: While this line may look odd to the public, Sammy, Ari and Santo are confirmed out for this game with Chad and his sister-in-law Emily as true GTDs. Phelps will also possibly be playing his 3rd game in a row, hopefully at least somewhat sober but who the fuck knows. Meanwhile, white will be rocking a full squad minus possibly Steve Rys. This is probably the toughest game of the night to handicap so let’s just move on with our lives and consider wtf is going on in this music video, specifically around the 4:50 mark.
After discount Britney Spears does her part where she just repeats the same line over and over, this dude pulls off one of the craziest dance moves I’ve ever seen, jumping spine-first into the ground and then bouncing up as if it’s just another day at the office. I’m sure it wasn’t actual concrete but I also don’t think that was exactly a trampoline. How did he pull this off? Is there a physicist among you who can explain this move? Seriously, how in the hell does the guy go from this…
to this…
to this…
To this?
By all rights this man should be paralyzed or dead. He should have ended up with a spine ripped in half like all of our self-respect after a night at Dorrian’s and instead he ended up with an insane dance move that I’m still thinking about 13 years later and has utterly laid waste to my productivity for the day. Wtf.
White Walkers (-185)
The Seahorses (+140)
Over 7.0 (-145)
Under 7.0 (EVEN)
Notes: These are projected to be two of the weakest teams in the league but you know that old saying “a bird in hand is worth two in the bush”? I think that relates to something exciting, as in take what you can when it’s available vs a hypothetical that may not come to fruition. So in theory, if these were projected to be two awesome teams and one had played four games and the other zero, i would have to give the benefit of the doubt to the team that had played four and proven it, right? Well, this is pretty much the exact opposite of that. If two teams are projected to be bad, but one has played four games and proven it while the other hasn’t played yet and still has a hypothetical chance of being good, the team that hasn’t proven it gets the benefit of the doubt. We almost need a new saying for this. “Poop in the bush is worth two poops in the hand.” Ok, we can workshop that but I think you get the idea. Despite the fact that I ranked white last in my power rankings I have no choice but to favor them in this game, which incredibly means I’m favoring my last place team in both of their games tonight. That said, I do not expect the Seahorses to go gentle in to that good night. This game may well turn into a knife fight not unlike the unforgettable one seen at the end of this video.
Seriously, the last two minutes of this video have to be seen to be believed. These guys are about to engage in a totally normal type of gang warfare where each group appoints one guy who goes into the middle with a knife. The have one hand tied to each other so they are always within close range of their opponent, with the other hand holding a knife, and then go about their weird dancey/stabby situation.
At least, that is, until Jacko rolls in and tells them “it doesn’t matter who’s wrong or right”…
…which makes them abandon the entire enterprise and start doing some synchronized dancing which basically is a mix of Kuznetsov’s goal celly and some kind of dealing cards while leaning back situation. No, seriously.
I don’t even know what else to say. I had some other music videos I was going to discuss but the last two really engulfed the last hour of my day and now I need to move on with my life. Maybe Friday. See ya later.