The Grassholes (+135)
Beatin’ Meat (-180)
Over 6.5 (EVEN)
Under 6.5 (-145)
Notes: Green opens up their championship defense against the team against whom they had a semifinal matchup for the ages. One of the longest playoff games of all time, we went through an entire 10 minute 5 on 5 period plus another 8 minutes of 3 on 3 before Rockoff buried the winner and sent The Grassholes to the finals where they would come back from a 3-0 deficit to win 5-3. Of course, the teams have turned over a lot between seasons, as is standard in D5, but revenge will certainly be on the minds of Ryan and Pete tonight. Also on their minds will be the first Dorrian’s night of the season and the tequila shots they are sure to crush throughout the evening. Speaking of which, Zisser should be in net for green and should be stopping by Dorrian’s after he makes his standard stop at Gem first. Is he really playing a hockey game at 96th & 1st, then going home to 69th and Riverside to shower, then down to 28th and 3rd to Gem and then back up to 84th and 2nd? Somehow, yes. Green is a tough team to handicap, especially since they haven’t played a game yet, but I think they’ll get beat by meat before Andrew really turns it on for the playoffs, as is tradition. Maroon to win in regulation.
Beatin’ Meat (-145)
Silver Stallions (EVEN)
Over 6.5 (-115)
Under 6.5 (-125)
Notes: I actually think this matchup is near coin-flip territory, but I also think bettors are going to hammer maroon, especially after they likely win game 1 so I have to move the line a bit to account for that. Silver may have a new leadership group and only 8 players plus a sub tonight but it would be a mistake to underestimate them, as they showed on Tuesday in almost coming back from an early 3-0 deficit against a very impressive purple team. Of course, silver is still trying to negotiate an extra last minute sub situation but as of this writing nothing is confirmed except Luca Vellon subbing in. Maroon still gets the edge overall, but the value here is kind of on silver. Over/unders are notoriously difficult on Fridays; you’re on your own with game totals. Also both of these teams have some vague Rocky vibes; Silver with the Italian Stallion and the song that went with their roster release, maroon with that ridiculous scene in Rocky where he’s punching sides of beef. Don’t believe me, just ask Reddit.
The MilkMob (+1.0 Goals) (+130)
My Cup Size Is Stanley (-1.0 Goals) (-175)
Over 6.5 (-130)
Under 6.5 (-110)
Notes: Cam will be subbing in net for Cup Size while the MilkMob is somewhat short and may be getting a sub or two if approved besides KG, who has already been approved to sub in for Alex Horton. Otherwise this is a matchup between the only two teams to lose their season openers by multiple goals and both will be desperate for a win in this one (or as desperate as you can be in week 2). The MilkMan is probably the most electric player in this game and Sonj is one of the top goalies in the league, but Cup Size has the depth in this matchup and most of their lineup showing up. I could really go either way on this one on a standard night, but on this one when Jenn was very eager to play and white is still looking for extra subs, I have to read the tea leaves and favor black by a bit. Cup Size to win.
Talking Reds (-2.0 Goals) (-120)
The MilkMob (+2.0 Goals) (-120)
Over 5.0 (-135)
Under 5.0 (-105)
Notes: The final game of the evening has a number of enticing matchups. Nate vs Jordan in a Squirrels battle. Tarnow vs Milk in a friends of Campbell battle. Sonj vs Campbell in a Cobra Kai goaltending battle. It’s also the lowest over/under I think I’ve set outside of a championship game maybe ever as red is going to try to win all their games this season like they’re the Tortorella-era Rangers making my eyes bleed with games that featured 2-3 total goals and approximately 50 blocked shots. It may not be pretty, but with Campbell in net doing his best Lundqvist impression (maybe slightly less handsome), it will be effective most nights and I think it’ll be effective tonight. White is still negotiating for some possible last minute sub arrangements but without knowing the specifics, I’m favoring red to win probably by a score of like 3-1. God damn you Campbell.