As you may have heard, I won the D5 Playoff Challenge by a record margin. It was truly something to behold and the only people who were even close were my front office mates, Mr Cardello and Mr McGinty. That said, even though victory over the field by hundreds of points is electric and worthy of celebration, I will be donating my half-off dues prize as a charitable act akin to building a wing at a local hospital or telling a girl at a bar to hold Yehuda’s hand. 25% of it is going to an anonymous player who will be creating video content for us this season but the other 25% is up for grabs. As such, we had a number of entrants to our first ever essay contest. Some of the “essays” were just texts or vage instagram DMs, but they are all here for your voting pleasure. The polls are open; the winner takes it all. Enjoy.
ENTRY #1 –
A Brief Essay on Why Minsky Should Get Half Off His League Fees
By Aryeh Minsky
Participating in recreational hockey leagues not only fosters physical fitness and camaraderie but also provides opportunities for individuals to showcase their skills and competitive spirit. When members of such leagues excel in ancillary activities like bracket contests, their achievements should be recognized and rewarded. As a recent participant in our league’s bracket contest, achieving fourth place amidst strong competition, I believe it’s appropriate to receive acknowledgement for this accomplishment in the form of a discounted league fee.
Firstly, excelling in the bracket contest demonstrates dedication and passion for the sport beyond the rink. Analyzing team statistics, predicting outcomes, and strategizing for each match requires time, effort, and a deep understanding of the game. By investing in these endeavors, participants not only enhance their own enjoyment of the sport but also contribute positively to the league’s community and culture.
Moreover, success in the bracket contest reflects a commitment to the league’s ethos of competitiveness and sportsmanship. By engaging in friendly competition off the ice, participants uphold the spirit of healthy rivalry and mutual respect that defines our league. Recognizing and rewarding individuals who excel in such endeavors reinforces these values and encourages continued participation and enthusiasm among members.
Furthermore, offering a discount on league fees as a reward for success in the bracket contest serves as an incentive for increased participation and engagement in league activities. Knowing that their efforts may lead to tangible benefits beyond personal satisfaction motivates members to actively contribute to the league’s events and initiatives. This, in turn, strengthens the league’s sense of community and solidarity, fostering a more vibrant and dynamic recreational hockey experience for all involved.
In conclusion, achieving second place in the bracket contest is a testament to dedication, skill, and passion for the sport. By recognizing and rewarding such accomplishments with a discounted league fee, we not only acknowledge individual achievements but also reinforce the values of competitiveness, sportsmanship, and community that define our recreational hockey league. Let us celebrate the achievements of our members and continue to foster a culture of excellence and camaraderie within our league.
Notes: Man, that was a lot to read, and for not a ton of payoff. Compared to the other entries, it’s pretty ballsy to use the word brief anywhere near that piece of writing, kind of like when I saw The Pelican Brief as a kid and about two hours in realized the title was extremely misleading. Still, by far the most intensive and thorough entry we received.
ENTRY #2 – James Dziwura
To Alex Frey and D5 Members:
I have been part of this league for one year now and can confidently say I am a unique player and an amazing addition to this community. My skill level and contributions to every team have brought much attention to myself. Not only do I put on a show at the hockey rink but also at every bar when I’m drunk. A true D5 hockey player should be able to do it all, and as a newly appointed captain I aspire to be a complete player, one who can play offense, defense and the field. I’ve proven to be capable of this consistently this past season, I believe my playoff performance speaks for itself. I average one point per game but more importantly I do damage roughly every time I go to the bars. The last girl I got with a few weeks ago was from France and barely spoke English. I speak no French but still made it happen. I know how to make good opportunities out of nothing. Whenever my friend Kieran comes back from the farm league upstate we kill it. We are the embodiment of the Sam and Chad duo whenever we are at Gem Saloon the way we rack up points. Needless to say no one puts up the kind of points I do on and off the rink. Being a D5 hockey player takes skill, talent, athleticism, and a high enough alcohol tolerance to survive one night of bottomless drinking at Patrizia’s. I am a true D5 success story.
Notes: This is a quality entry right here. A good argument, well-made, with equal parts honesty and humor. I can attest that James certainly puts on a show when he goes to the bar as evidenced by his performance at Gem a few weeks ago when he was sitting in a booth puking into cups. 5 stars.
ENTRY #3 – Jake Kolenberg
“I deserve to win the playoff pick’em because I came in dead last and it would piss everyone off.”
Notes: Concise and to the point. As much as I do enjoy trolling haters, I think enough of that took place the other night when they were apparently forced to watch a championship between two teams that I drafted, something pointed out to me this very morning.
ENTRY #4 – Cardello
Notes: Trolling Mel is always a good decision. Perhaps not as much when you’re sleeping with her, but probably then too. It was also one hell of a play.
ENTRY #5 – Maurice
Notes: Now there’s a man after my own heart. At long last, we have gotten to the part where people just openly pander to me specifically. And I gotta tell you…I am impressed.
ENTRY #6 – Mikey
Notes: This guy knows what I want to see and as someone who’s personally witnessed him gamble thousands of dollars, I know he has the willingness and the pockets to do so. A very strong contender for writing exactly what I need to see. But perhaps not quite as strong as…
ENTRY #7 – Hicks
Notes: Gotta be honest, I came extremely close to just ending the contest as soon as I read this. That said, he followed up an incredibly persuasive initial argument with a flat out lie about the backchecking. I have to dock him for dishonesty. I watched UPS.
Finally, I just have to include this before you vote.
She may be married, pregnant and her hockey career over, but she is a teacher who kids try to lie to everyday and she may have a point. Do your research before voting. Good luck to all the participants and may the best sicko win.