T1) Sex Education
Average Rank: 2.67
Previous Rank: 1 (unchanged)
Highest Rank: 1
Lowest Rank: 7
Standard Deviation: 1.97
1st Place Votes: 2 of 6
Comments: For the first time in the history of these ranks, we have a three way tie for 1st between three of the most successful franchises in recent league history. Despite a 4-2 record and currently sitting only 4th in the standings, blue continues to receive the most 1st place votes of any team in this poll. Another final four appearance would make it 14 in a row and a cup win would make this the only franchise in league history to repeat two separate times. I’m sure everyone will be pulling for that to happen.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers (lots of Simpsons references in this one):
“As usual, deep roster with top defense and the best front office in the league. Kate fits this team like she’s been there for years and has taken over for Jack as the team’s 4th forward while Frey just plays free safety. Not sure if anyone can take them in a tight championship game where a bunch of their players will step up their games.”
“When ranking top teams this go-round, I said, I like the Mighty Ducks because they’re pure of heart, Reds N’ Roses because they have something to prove, and Blue because they always cheat.“
T1) Fertilizin’ Eggs
Average Rank: 2.67
Previous Rank: 2 (up 1)
Highest Rank: 1
Lowest Rank: 4
Standard Deviation: 1.21
1st Place Votes: 1 of 6
Comments: Egg’s draft strategy was really something but thus far it’s paid off handsomely as their top players have carried most of the load while Jenn’s Bartender has shocked everyone with four goals in her rookie season, good for 1st among all ladies, and Liam’s leading the rookie scoring race. With Sonj coming back this week and Andrew back from vacation, they have a great shot to hang onto their top spot in the standings heading into the stretch run.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“This team has been dominant when everyone shows up but even missing Egg for one night led to two losses and 12 goals allowed. Like blue, a borderline lock for a semifinal appearance.”
“This team flops more than Jenn’s titties at the beach. They should be made to forfeit every game, as a result. Extra Anonymous please! Don’t want Jenn getting the wrong idea.“
T1) Reds N’ Roses
Average Rank: 2.67
Previous Rank: 9 (up 8)
Highest Rank: 1
Lowest Rank: 4
Standard Deviation: 1.21
1st Place Votes: 1 of 6
Comments: After being ranked all the way down at 9th to start the season and losing two of their first three, they’ve reeled off three straight wins over three top teams in Egg, Purple & The Ducks. As a result, they have skyrocketed up the ranks and attained an impressive tie for 1st that I’m not sure anyone saw coming. With their usual core playing well, Craig looking like a top rookies, APK dominating in net and Doug playing like the surprise steal of the draft, this is looking like the trendy sleeper pick of the season.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Another great regular season, another likely early playoff exit. It’s been said before but this is the Carolina Hurricanes of D5. That said, the Hurricanes are a very good team”
“We’re all seeing that Craig is legit, and this team is shooting up the standings. After an early season middling ranking, this recent 3 game run has the red leadership team saying, in your face space coyote.“
4) The Mighty Ducks
Average Rank: 4.83
Previous Rank: 5 (up 1)
Highest Rank: 3
Lowest Rank: 6
Standard Deviation: 0.98
Comments: The Ducks took their first L this past week but still have gotten off to an impressive start and currently sit in 2nd place in the standings. No one seems to think they’ll still be there at the end of the season but with all their rankings falling in the 3 to 6 range, no one thinks they suck either. In a league as cold and unforgiving as this one both in terms of competition and people talking shit about other teams, that’s a pretty big accomplishment in and of itself.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Sarah is putting the team on her back, and I’m not sure how much longer it will stay this way.”
“They have all the makings of a high quality team, without any true weaknesses. When asked about their squad after the draft, the leadership team had to be wondering, am I so out of touch? No, it’s the children who are wrong.“
T5) Purple Nurple
Average Rank: 5.33
Previous Rank: 4 (down 1)
Highest Rank: 3
Lowest Rank: 7
Standard Deviation: 1.37
Comments: The team that made history by becoming the first to ever pick 1st and 2nd overall in a draft has gotten off to a respectable, if somewhat unremarkable start. They’re undefeated with both Caleb and Jo in and 2-0 when Campbell plays although to be fair they won’t be allowed to use Campbell in the playoffs. A very solid squad with depth at every position and the potential to improve on last season’s 5th place finish, although that’s probably exactly where they’ll finish again.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Millstein has drafted a wagon, and has the best roster in the league, when fully healthy. Shoutout to Dana Lerndog for scoring the natural hattrick!”
“This team looks good but then I also thought the same about last year’s purple team halfway through and they ended up blowing it in the playoffs. To be fair, this one won’t have to worry about Cardello putting Mel on a poster.”
T5) The Pie Pie Strikes Back
Average Rank: 5.33
Previous Rank: 3 (down 2)
Highest Rank: 2
Lowest Rank: 8
Standard Deviation: 2.66
Comments: The results haven’t been quite as good as last season’s dominant regular season, although that was always a very high bar. But with Jeff Green coming back from his month-long Eurotrip having incredibly only missed 3-4 games to play behind a roster that’s tied for 3rd in goals per game, anything’s possible, especially if Ken finds a way to make playoff games. Add in Gelman currently ranking 3rd in the scoring race and looking like he loves hockey again and Sheila leading all ladies in points and, as Amit told me on Friday night, this might very well be the team to beat come August.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“An amazing draft like last year but not nearly as much success so far. Too good to be this low in the standings.”
“They have as much talent as any team in the league, but have looked strange all season, with outcomes not living up to their on paper potential. I’m pretty sure when setting the lines their captains chat is saying, if you’re good, you get pizza, and if you’re bad…poison.“
7) The MilkMob
Average Rank: 6.33
Previous Rank: 6 (down 1)
Highest Rank: 1
Lowest Rank: 8
Standard Deviation: 2.73
1st Place Votes: 1 of 6
Comments: The MilkMob is off to their finest start in franchise history and holds impressive wins over blue and orange. Corey’s been amazing, Hicks looks rejuvenated and thus far the Milk-Steroid merger is a huge success. With the championship being pushed back a week, likely allowing The Milkman to make it despite a reduced draft-day price tag, this is a team on the upswing.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“When fully healthy and the Milkman isn’t shooting a porno, this team is the cream of the crop!”
“Frequently has attendance issues, but seems to have a pretty good squad when they show up. Will they all show up for the playoffs, or will they be concerned about always drinking their malk (now with vitamin R)?”
8) My Cup Size Is Stanley
Average Rank: 6.67
Previous Rank: 7 (down 1)
Highest Rank: 1
Lowest Rank: 9
Standard Deviation: 3.01
1st Place Votes: 1 of 6
Comments: Cup Size has the 2nd best points-per-game and the 3rd best goal differential in the league but pretty much no one seems to think they have a chance at the cup, save for one ranker who did put them 1st. There’s some serious talent on this roster but the historical struggles of this franchise and whispers of Lucas and Carl both missing playoffs keep them fairly low in these ranks despite their current metrics. Upcoming matchups with the Ducks, Eggs, and Purple will give us a lot more info on whether this team can make any noise come playoff time.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Surprisingly talented team, as I ripped them apart beginning of the year. Hope Bramson never scores again, so no one has to hear about it.”
“As long as Jenn continues benching herself for 80% of games, they’ll be fine.”
9) Silver Stallions
Average Rank: 9.67
Previous Rank: 10 (up 1)
Highest Rank: 7
Lowest Rank: 11
Standard Deviation: 2.07
Comments: The Stallions are 0-6 but escape the bottom spot in the rankings due to a few sterling efforts even in losses. They also have their 6th round pick leading not just the team but the entire league in scoring as Jacob Berkowitz is having a career season in silver despite the team’s struggles thus far. I still don’t think this roster is so bad as to be in last place but they’ll have to start picking up some wins if they want any hope of escaping the play-in rounds.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Too old, too slow, and too Jewish. This team will have enough players for their own personal Funeral Minyan when they have a defeated season (I can say this because I’m part of the tribe).”
“When I was drafting I had a hard time finding scorers…because most of them ended up here. Problem is, that’s the only thing that ended up here. They used to be with it, but they changed what it was. Now what I’m with isn’t it, and what is it seems weird and scary to me. It will happen to you.”
T10) Slime Time Live
Average Rank: 9.83
Previous Rank: 8 (down 2)
Highest Rank: 8
Lowest Rank: 11
Standard Deviation: 0.75
Comments: I still like this roster and think they will rebound to a respectable finish but the first three games have been less than encouraging with one total goal scored. That’s not going to cut it in a soccer league, let alone a ball hockey league. That said, they’ve still got one of the top scorers in James, a top defender in Ariel and the reigning playoff MVP in Max. There is absolutely no chance they finish the season this low in the standings, but for now, this is where the power rankings have them. Like I said, it’s a cold and unforgiving league. I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Waaaaaaaay too old. Time to let the cows come back to the pasture.”
“Attendance has gotten the better of this team, but they have enough firepower to rise up these ranks if they can get a few good attendance games. So far its been too much close, but you’re way off.”
T10) Mean Girls
Average Rank: 9.83
Previous Rank: 10 (down 1)
Highest Rank: 9
Lowest Rank: 11
Standard Deviation: 0.75
Comments: Raise your hand if you’ve been personally victimized by Yehuda Weinbach this season. Emma, Brooke, Sophia, Amanda…my condolences.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“I don’t think this team is the worst in the league but pink winning the cup will be a bigger shock than a woman agreeing to kiss Yehuda on video.”
“Ranked higher for kissing Faz.”