1) Untitled Sex Team
Average Rank: 1.67
Highest Rank: 1
Lowest Rank: 4
Standard Deviation: 1.04
1st Place Votes: 4 of 8
Comments: This is now the 6th straight season in which we’ve done preseason ranks where blue has received the top post-draft spot. This of course begins to beg the question as to whether people really love this roster or if they’re just going by pedigree. I couldn’t really fault them either way as the roster looks sexy as hell while the franchise looks to make history with what would be a 15th straight Final Four appearance and the first threepeat in league history. There’s a lot to look forward to but top of the agenda is this season’s Dinner Of Champions which promises to be the premiere event of the Fall.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Has all the classic makings of a Frey team with championship aspirations. So long as they get proper value out of their tandems, and rumors of Phelps being ready to go for the playoffs are true, they will be a force.”
“History in motion. Three-peat incoming.”
“Frey will rig. Bet accordingly.”
2) Return Of The Clap
Average Rank: 2.56
Highest Rank: 1
Lowest Rank: 4
Standard Deviation: 1.06
1st Place Votes: 1 of 8
Comments: Just like the past two seasons, blue + whatever color these guys choose get ranked 1-2. Last season, yellow sold the farm for the most top-heavy draft strategy in league history but elite talent and playoff experience pushed them to yet another final four and championship game appearance. With Steph and Bramson joining the fold and a return to their season one roots, it would shock absolutely no one to see the cup getting the Clap this season (note to self: buy new cup).
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Levine continues to be a cut above the rest of the league and carries this team.”
“In most seasons this team would seem good enough to win a championship…but they lack the potential top end firepower that the tandems can bring. Looks fairly similar to last season’s runner up with Jeff replacing Sonj, Sanchick replacing Andrew, but adding more firepower to the rest of the lineup which should prove useful during a long run.”
“Never count the fuck bois out, but don’t love where they sit after drafting Jeff Green this early once Sonj was off the table and I just don’t see Steph being able to ironman all the games they’d need in the “fuck you if you’re not a captain, and therefore sit on the bench when it matters” mentality that this team plays with. Maybe I’m wrong, but I’ve been told women matter too. Also, I think Bramson bitches too much about not being on the line he wants and drives Pete to throw him off a BK apartment roof. Sad.“
“The Peter Ryan behemoth is always dangerous.”
3) Return Of The Pie Pie
Average Rank: 2.67
Highest Rank: 1
Lowest Rank: 5
Standard Deviation: 1.39
1st Place Votes: 2 of 8
Comments: Blue and the everchanging Rens color combos grab the top two spots and, once again, orange grabs #3 after their first two seasons featured lofty preseason rankings, two final four runs and one championship game appearance. With depth at every position and Simon ready to suit up for playoffs should Jo be unable to make it, this team is easily one of the top contenders in the league. Meeeeeeee-owwwwww.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“They got Jo Robin, instant favourite.”
“Roster is silly. Not really sure how a team can end up with 2 of the top 8 forwards in the league, and 2 of the top 8 defense in the league along with good goaltending…but it happened, and it’s spectacular.”
“Just respect for the franchise.”
4) The Mighty Ducks
Average Rank: 5.63
Highest Rank: 3
Lowest Rank: 9
Standard Deviation: 2.12
Comments: After a massive cluster at the top with average ranks of 1.67, 2.56 and 2.67, we take a fairly big statistical leap down to what is the cream of the crop of the expected tier 2 teams in the Ducks. Of course, that’s exactly what happened in last season’s preseason ranks and we all know how that went as the Ducks caught lightning in a bottle en route to a final four appearance and the most wins in the entire league across reg season + playoffs, including the cup champs. This season’s roster featured a pretty massive overhaul as Zuck left to captain his own team, Zisser left to become a father and Simon left to focus on his golf career (???), but the presence of Andrew and Sonj gives them a high floor while I’ve been telling anyone who would listen this offseason that Sarah is in the process of making the leap. Another final four appearance and possibly a championship game appearance is well within the range of outcomes here.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“With sonj and net and a pretty deep roster I think nobody’s going to want to play them. I’m probably ranking them higher than the public perception but sonj is just that good.”
“After losing 2 top defenders to golf and captaining his own team, they quickly acted by drafting the first defenseman and the first goalie off the board. They’re going to get some good value in the middle of their lineup and if they carry the vibes from last season it will be an easier path to the top of the rankings.”
“They’re only above the lower teams because of Sonj, but let’s be honest, Good Yehuda will be missing all the Jewish holiday games and Nate/LaPorte will prioritize their own teams. Just doesn’t seem like this team has the talent/depth to compete.”
“No scorers to be found on this team.”
5) Rediohead
Average Rank: 5.88
Highest Rank: 3
Lowest Rank: 9
Standard Deviation: 2.16
Comments: A very classic red preseason rank where no one quite knows what to do with this roster but they always seem to find a way to make it work and they have the best goalie in league history between the pipes. I was incredibly skeptical of some of their picks but Tarnow/Nate deliver great value at the 3/4 turn and, as pretty much every power ranker wrote – it’s Campbell in net. Unless he gets injured or goes back to Europe on another bender, it’s borderline impossible for this team to finish bottom of the pack.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Team looks okay, but with Campbell in net their floor is middle of the pack with a playoff chance. I’m truly excited to see who Kevin will turn into a top scorer this season, if anyone on their team will be allowed to go shirtless, and if their trade proves to be a stroke of genius, or just the regular kind of stroke.“
“Campbell in net. Rest of the team may struggle but Campbell in net.“
“Roster is abysmal. But once again anything is possible with Campbell.”
T6) I’m Schvitzing
Average Rank: 7.00
Highest Rank: 3
Lowest Rank: 12
Standard Deviation: 3.16
Comments: After a few seasons off of captaining, including one where he forgot to sign up for the league, Joe is back as captain and as usual, he made me draft his team. His #1 request above all was that I get him fast forwards and oh boy does he have that with Neil, Kittridge and Reape forming a forechecking group that will give opposing defenses nightmares. Of course, the defense will have to hold up when tested as I sort of forget to pick any for the first hour of the draft but there’s enough talent and speed on this roster to make some serious noise.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Insane speed on this team, especially when vyvanse yehuda is playing. Will be brutal to play against during a double header. Who the hell is playing defense other than joe?“
“This team is going to be fast as hell and will score a lot of goals…but they must expect Joe Mosk to eat a ton of minutes (and show up every week) because they really didn’t use much draft capital on male defensemen.”
“Don’t actually particularly love this roster, or think Joe will remember to even tell the players to show up – and might even intentionally “forget” to do it to keep Bad Yehuda away – but I’ve learned not to sleep on a team that Frey has drafted, so here we are. That said, I think he may have been mad at Joe based on the fact that Yehuda was drafted, soooo, this is probably at least 5 rankings too high and they should be ranked 10.“
T6) The MilkMob
Average Rank: 7.00
Highest Rank: 4
Lowest Rank: 10
Standard Deviation: 2.34
Comments: The 2nd season the post-merger MilkMob comes in with the highest expectations in franchise history as KG and Hicks helped lead everyone’s favorite dairy farmers to a 3rd place finish in the Summer. A tough OT playoff loss to the Ducks will keep the motivated and it looks like they’re looking to add further mergers to the mix with the outrageously sexy Alex/Pete tandem, plus Levine in net (with Geskin), joining the ranks and looking to lead the MilkMob to glory. As always, this is going to be a high scoring team that plays with pace but an opening night with only two total goals scored and four minute shift lengths was a bit concerning. Going to have to up their calcium intake to reach last season’s lofty standards.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“I expect this roster to feel a lot like the prior season’s roster, but replace Nick with the Frey/Peter tandem for a more balanced approach. As good as that tandem is, will they have enough defense to put it all together?”
“Frey/Pete/Ryan likely won’t be available in the playoffs and from what I know and/or heard, some of those late round picks are definitely going to be rough.”
“Don’t love the bottom of this roster but top is elite.”
“Will score a lot. Will get scored on even more.“
8) My Cup Size Is Stanley
Average Rank: 7.56
Highest Rank: 1
Lowest Rank: 12
Standard Deviation: 2.42
1st Place Votes: 1 of 8
Comments: Opinions are all over the map on this team, but mostly near the southern hemisphere of said map. They did get a first place vote…but it was from Jenn. There’s a good deal of talent here and a lot of high end scoring between Pereira, Lucas, Minsky and LaPorte. And some of their late round picks were pretty solid. But the defense is incredibly suspect and the speed is going to be an issue. If they can find a way to outscore teams ala the MilkMob teams of the past, they can make a run. My personal inkling is a bottom half finish and a likely play-in matchup. We’ll see in about a month.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Everyone loves titties and really should be rooting for more titties. This league would be more successful with more titties. Tits always win in life and now they will in D5. If you don’t support this, you support the terrorists.”
“I actually think the roster is very solid. If they can get serviceable goaltending I would move them way up this list.”
“Slow in a fast season. Expect many shots on goal, not many high quality shots on goal.“
9) A$$ Fault Green
Average Rank: 8.50
Highest Rank: 7
Lowest Rank: 11
Standard Deviation: 1.40
Comments: Green comes into this season with two of the top tandems in the league, the top girl drafted and the Goalie Wild Card #2. They’re looking to rebound from a surprisingly tough Summer that saw them finish 9th of 11 teams and lose their play-in matchup and despite another low opening power rank, I think they could easily do it. I’m not sure if they can win the cup as Ryan will likely have a deep run for his own team to deal with and the defense is far too light for my liking, but I see them as a very solid middle of the pack team with the potential to overachieve with some timely scoring and strong leadership. Great rebrand too.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Games with a Ryan/stern/maddy line will be torturous for defenses. Will win a few games by 4+ goals but will also get killed a couple times.”
The first team in the league to select 2 tandems will have a lot of firepower from their lineup, but may struggle from a utilization perspective. On any given Tuesday they can strut out a first line of Ryan, Stern, and Maddy, which should have no trouble scoring a lot of goals.
Lucas will choose to be better for black (in any situation where there’s a conflict or too many games) and Ryan is already on two other teams as a cap and goalie- that’s going to be a hot mess. Don’t hate the squad, just foresee the tandems being a problem.
“They’re fine.”
10) Purple Monkey Dishwasher
Average Rank: 8.75
Highest Rank: 5
Lowest Rank: 11
Standard Deviation: 1.99
Comments: It’s a nice collection of players led by Tom Fitz as co-captain and #1 center and in some ways, Nick is his ideal linemate as a shoot first winger who can get open and fire at will. There are questions about the defense but I’m assuming the ladies are going to handle that and although Jess is a strong enough player to take the assignment, she’s also a natural forward. Similarly, Oskar did play defense on the Estonian national floorball team (true story) but in D5 he’s been mostly utilized as a forward throughout his career. Questions abound as to the construction of this team but the talent is certainly there. If they can figure out how to best deploy it, watch out. If not, Fitz might be fiddling while purple burns.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Similar to the Ryan Pete team, a perfectly cromulent roster in most seasons, but with no tandems they don’t have the high ceiling of some of the teams with 2 tandems.”
“Best top 3 offensemen of the league but wouldn’t be surprised if they never play a game together with their attendance. Who the hell is playing defense other than Milstein?”
“Milstein out of magic.”
11) Hockey at Glatt’s
Average Rank: 10.00
Highest Rank: 6
Lowest Rank: 12
Standard Deviation: 2.12
Comments: The public is ranking this team at the bottom because they have no clue who their 1st and 2nd rounders are. That’s exceedingly fair as the uncertainty is high, but the reports I’ve gotten have been glowing and there has been an influx of sharp money coming in on the rookie of the year race. I can’t speak for some of the picks but I think Zuck has improved tremendously in the past year, Carl is going to be extremely motivated to win games and talk shit to people and those top two guys are going to be very legit. I’m not sure if they have the horses or the experience to win it all, but I’m personally expecting this team to be middle of the pack.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“If their first and second draft picks that nobody has ever seen play before are as good as zuck swears they could be good. can’t rank them well til I see it.”
“Doesn’t look like a bad team but also no clue who these people are and all new captains have a period of growing pains.”
“According to Zuck, the rookie of the year should be a 2 player race between his top 2 picks. If that’s true they will climb up the rankings quickly, but if he’s wrong these guys might be the ones who are schvitzing.“
12) Legally Blonde
Average Rank: 10.25
Highest Rank: 6
Lowest Rank: 11
Standard Deviation: 2.52
Comments: In what has to qualify as maybe the most shocking thing I’ve ever written, I think the public is far too low on this team. I understand that when you see a Yehuda team the (understandable) reaction is to completely fucking trash them. Truly, more sympathetic I could not be. But if you ignore the part where this team was drafted by and features the kid brother no one wanted, they have the top lady in the league, one of the top offensive defensemen in Craig, one of the top tandems in the Specs (flaky as they may be) and Sophia in net for her second straight season as Yehuda’s personal hostage. And perhaps the most important factor of all, the addition of APK who not only anchors the D but also demands excellence and will give this team a measure of professionalism that is sorely needed. Well, at least I think that’s what will happen as long as he doesn’t either rage quit midseason or run off in some type of ill-conceived threesome. I don’t think they’ll win the cup because the Specs are out on October 14 and Yehuda as captain sometimes does things that cannot be explained. But if anyone wants to place a wager on this team’s regular season finish, you know where to find me.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Should do well enough in the regular season, but come playoff time I’m less convinced. Last season people asked who outside of Emma was going to score, but at least this season their tandem should net a bunch of goals for them in the regular season.”
“Yehuda just got on vyvanse. Draft sleeper of the year incoming.”
“Spector tandem holdout by week 3.”
“Yehuda…no more words necessary.“