Return Of The Pie Pie (-3.0 Goals) (-115)
Hockey at Glatt’s (+3.0 Goals) (-125)
Over 7.0 Goals (-130)
Under 7.0 Goals (-110)
Notes: It’s opening day at D5 and brown is back as a franchise. First ScottyK wanted to actually make a team that was named after and themed after poop but thankfully this never happened. Then Hicks created a team called UPS which used poop as their general philosophy for team defense. And now, we have Hockey At Glatt’s. Glatt’s sounds like the name of an elite Jewish deli but actually will apparently be the name of an elite Jewish hockey team this season. This season yes…but probably not tonight as they are missing multiple top players. Bramson was approved to sub but seeing as he sometimes plays like a “muffin” (his words, not mine) and also probably isn’t Jewish (tough to tell tbh), I think brown is going to struggle tonight. Meanwhile orange looks to continue their run as the hottest expansion team of 2025 with two straight trips to the final four and another roster built on depth and defense. I am far more bullish on the brown expansion team than pretty much anyone else, mostly due to my belief in Zuck that his 1st round rating of his two buddies was correct, but without them this is going to be a massive uphill battle. Pie Pie by 3 in the season opener.
Untitled Sex Team (-200)
A$$ Fault Green (+140)
Over 6.5 Goals (-120)
Under 6.5 Goals (-120)
Notes: Tarnow and Hicks get the starts in their respective tandems as blue and while I have no idea what to expect from these teams as the tandem situations have made this one of the most difficult seasons to project possibly ever, I expect this game to be fairly tight for a season opener. No idea who green is using for their wild card #2 but I know who blue is using for wild card #1 and its Sonj who I promised to pay $4.50 for this sub appearance (she has requested quarters for the drier which I am more than happy to acquire, although not totally sure where). The big X factor for blue is that almost half the team was in Nashville last week drinking into oblivion and eating Cane’s every night along with so many street dogs that I had to stage an intervention. There was also some hockey involved at some point. I still give blue the edge but this game is going to be a battle, if not with green, than with the trash cans on the bench. Probably with both though. But sex likely wins regardless.
Return Of The Pie Pie (-1.5 Goals) (-120)
The Mighty Ducks (+1.5 Goals) (-120)
Over 6.5 Goals (-120)
Under 6.5 Goals (-120)
Notes: After last season’s crazy run to the semis that featured more wins than any team on the season, including the one that won the championship, the Ducks are back with a revamped roster and a slightly adjusted leadership group, with Sarah handing off the co-captainship to Satok and Simon taking a season off to play golf (idk). They’re building around defense and goaltending with their top two picks spent on five time cup champion Andrew and reigning #1 goalie Sonj to augment a roster of sturdy vets like Tom White, Scott Metz and the ghost of Rob Meehan’s shirt. I like the roster and if they can get anything close to the same vibes they had last season, they’re going to be a solid team once again. But I think this orange team is elite and I think they’re going to show it tonight, even without James. Pie Pie 4-2.
The MilkMob (-170)
A$$ Fault Green (+125)
Over 7.0 Goals (-120)
Under 7.0 Goals (-120)
Notes: Green has rebranded to A$$ with one dollar sign for each hypothetical buttcheek. The MilkMob will probably never rebrand and Joe Fusco will leave this mortal plane drinking Milk on his deathbed. It’s really amazing how much buy-in and electricity the MilkMob are able to get every single season, regardless of turnover in personnel, and I for one cannot wait to get my white overalls on and get to milking. But for tonight it’ll be Pete getting the start while Lucas and Jared get the starts for their respective green tandems. I like the green roster and think it’s got some potential, but I think this Milk team has a chance to do some really exciting things, particularly now that they will actually have a defense. It’s kind of an important position. Milk to win.
The Mighty Ducks (+110)
The MilkMob (-155)
Over 7.0 Goals (-105)
Under 7.0 Goals (-135)
Notes: Apparently when Amanda drafted Rob it caused a rift that someone likened to 9/11 and which means she may no longer be getting the call to sub for Milk every other game and do drugs with them every other weekend. I had no choice but to schedule this matchup for week one and honestly there will probably be another one this season, if not 2-5 more. Still TBD who of the sexiest tandem out there is playing in this one, but whomever it is, I just hope Amanda’s wearing a helmet for the clap bombs that are sure to ensue as she remembers Rich putting belt to ass screaming to cover the forehand in what truly sounds like the stuff of nightmares. I lost my train of thought writing that run on sentence but you already know the pick.
Red shells incoming. Not sure who of Joe and Jordan is Mario vs Luigi but you make the call. See ya tonight.