The Mighty Ducks (-1.5 Goals) (-145)
Legally Blonde (+1.5 Goals) (EVEN)
Over 6.5 Goals (EVEN)
Under 6.5 Goals (-145)
Notes: I’m not entirely sure why AI turned the sportsbook in the photo into Sports Skank spelled wrong, but I like it and I’m keeping it forever. Also I know that at the start of every new season I say that some games are really tough to handicap because of unknown elements with the teams but this one is honestly one of the toughest lines to make in recent memory. In one corner you have a pink team ranked dead last in the power ranks but which I think is really not bad and will be rolling up tonight with a lineup featuring Corey, Craig, Emma and Sophia. Meanwhile the Ducks looked great in week one notching two wins en route to a current first place position in the standings but are at risk of a letdown facing a team I’m sure they expect to smoke and honestly who knows what shape many of them will be in after a weekend at the beach. I have to favor the Ducks by multiple goals here due to pedigree and public perception, plus Yehuda’s likelihood of doing something really strange from a captaining perspective, but this is the stay-away special for me. I honestly wouldn’t be on any pink games for the first week or two until we see what this team’s got. I’m sure that won’t stop many of you though.
A$$ Fault Green (-1.5 Goals) (-120)
Purple Monkey Dishwasher (+1.5 Goals) (-120)
Over 6.5 Goals (-130)
Under 6.5 Goals (-110)
Notes: Not entirely sure who’s in for either team on the first Monday night of games in what must be several years. I’m pretty sure both teams will be missing at least a few players though and if I assume those absences are somewhat even, I’m going to go with my gut which is that green is a bit better and also I saw them beat a very solid, very motivated MilkMob team in OT last week. Purple could of course surprise with Fitz making his return and Sophia subbing in goal, but I kind of think green will be just a bit better. Also I have a very scientific formula that says when one captain requests to play on a day and another requests it off, the one who wanted the day should always be favored by multiple goals. Of course, Jake has work trips for like half the season so this might just be one of the only days hes in town, but I’m sticking with the formula. Ass by two.
Untitled Sex Team (-1.5 Goals) (-200)
Hockey at Glatt’s (+1.5 Goals) (+135)
Over 6.5 Goals (-110)
Under 6.5 Goals (-130)
Notes: Once again, legitimately no idea what to expect from this game. These early season contests are really an adventure from a handicapping perspective and this one is only accentuated by the fact that Zuck’s 1st rounder is playing tonight in his D5 debut but according to Zuck is top level quality while blue currently has five players at press time and won’t have their top tandem in Hicks or James. The short bench, elite athlete special is a bit of a tradition for the sex team so it shouldn’t be that much of a problem but brown should be highly motivated to notch their first win in franchise history, particularly Carl who hasn’t won a D5 game in literally months (to be fair he went back to Sweden for a while). I’ve got blue favored due to the fact that they literally receive 80-90% of bets in every game they play but don’t be surprised to see a sterling effort from brown here. It’s the under for me.
I’m Schvitzing (-105)
Purple Monkey Dishwasher (-135)
Over 6.5 Goals (-145)
Under 6.5 Goals (EVEN)
Notes: Of all the games that confused me today, this one possibly confused me the most. Joe’s still in Israel, both teams need subs, some players are already demanding trades and it’s the late game on a Monday night. Oh and the formerly yellow team is now grey. I still believe that Schvitzing, who I can’t believe is using the name I just threw in as a placeholder, is the better overall team but with Joe, Neil and both ends of their tandem missing this one is a true toss-up. I’m taking the over in what I’m expecting to be a fairly sloppy game with both teams missing top defenders and also not really having many top defenders by the nature of how they drafted. See ya tonight.