With the draft just under ten hours away, a look at each team’s unique front office situation, what the hell they did last year what you can expect from these sick bastards (and bastardettes) tonight and in 2026.
Green
Jake’s captaining career has been up and down with seasons that were legitimately excellent and some that were downright tragic. It reached a possible apex in the Fall of 2024 as the Grassholes finally got over the hump, delivering Jake his first cup as captain, Mo his first cup overall and a some of the most thrilling games in D5 history. Last year was a serious cup hangover as green failed to win a playoff game despite a number of squads that were legitimately underrated. Now with Jake getting married this summer, Mo moving to the burbs and Stern already out there, is this the last ride for the crew which has largely been together since 2022 when they were the original pink team? If so, they’ve brought on longtime friends and collaborators Rys and Wagner for one last run at D5 glory. With more early round draft capital than any team, it’s anyone’s guess how they’ll choose to build this season’s squad. One things guaranteed though: anytime Mo scores a goal, we will get a celebration for the ages.
Purple
Last year Milstein went from guy with beard who smokes weed by the scorer’s box to D5 captain who has opinions on everything and smokes weed by the scorers box. A big jump for him to be sure in a year that was, all things considered, fairly successful for a new captain. In the spring Mace Windu was considered a frontrunner all season long and in fact led 2-0 in their first playoff game before letting Crankin’ Hog come back to win 5-4. In the summer they had the top two picks in the draft via trade but only finished in 8th place. And in the fall they finished the season in 9th but won two playoff games before simply running out of gas against the eventual champion Glatt’s. This season he has compiled a new front office once again with Karly returning, Rose coming in to replace Tom and Sean getting involved because I think they passed each other on the street one time in 2019. Everyone seems to be sleeping on purple this season but with Rose recently joining Emma on Team USA and Milstein likely devoting way more time to draft prep than you can imagine, I wouldn’t be surprised to see them return to the ranks of the contenders this spring. Whether they can deliver another classic D5 moment like last spring’s goalie goal remains to be seen.
Pinky Toe
Speaking of Emma, she’s going to build on last season’s historic year in which he scored 13 goals in 6 games and helped lead pink to an improbable championship appearance (actually I’m not sure if she really cares about this team or is being held hostage by Yehuda but will proceed as if she does want to win). Ransom situations aside, it’s a big season for Pinky Toe all around as Yehuda looks to prove last season was no fluke, GG looks to build on an excellent rookie campaign and APK looks to win a cup in his final season as he takes his talents to Philadelphia in June. Yehuda recently told me he’s had two seasons as captain that were great and three that were pretty rough. Can he reach the .500 mark this season for acceptable captaining performances? I don’t expect many people to be betting on it, but don’t forget that the D5 media was extremely bullish pink after last year’s draft and subsequent laughably low power rank by the public who in fact ranked BOTH championship teams in the bottom two spots. As for this season…we’ll get back to you after the draft.
The MilkMob
I know I’m supposed to be unbiased but I’ll just say it: the MilkMob is America’s team. They’re far more likeable than the Dallas Cowboys as they choose to go with cowbells mixed in with insane milking celebrations. Their opponents may not have loved it but I certainly enjoyed it immensely and there’s no doubt they’ve won the hearts of league fans everywhere with a pregame huddle situation that generally consists of Joe discussing the ins and outs of dairy farming for three minutes before throwing it to Jordan for 7 seconds of lineup talk. This season they’ve got team veteran Caleb back from the IR along with Hicks coming back for another run to round out a beefy lineup that is going to bang bodies in the corners and at the pubs. Does dairy farming work well as an opener? Probably depends on the time of night. Also not sure which of these guys is the GM, which is the team owner or if they employ any sort of analytics in their draft room aside from getting hammered during every draft but the Mob is a surefire bet to be the loudest bench in the league this season with a strong chance to improve on last season’s first round playoff exit.
Pranksters Reboot
After a few seasons spent soul searching and being exiled to Jenn’s team, Gelman is back as captain rebooting the Pranksters. In classic fashion, his first two front office mate choices were women although with KG still on the IR he had to get a little creative with this one. Sheila makes the jump from orange front office to tie dye, signing a lucrative offer sheet in what is fast becoming this league’s version of the transfer portal. Prankster vets Maddy and Satok join him as they’ll try to bring back the league’s most laid back squad, but one which has also had some big seasons in years past as well. Can Gelman recapture his former glory and rediscover his love of the game after a year where he seemed somewhat disinterested? Can this team function without KGs weed? Can they win multiple games while everyone on the team wears a party hat (this actually happened one time)? I legitimately have no idea what their draft is going to look like but I do expect this to be one of the most fun benches, perhaps rivaled only by MilkMob in the amount of random crap they’re likely to pull every game. Can’t wait.
Red
At this point red is the 2nd longest tenured captaining crew in the league as Nate, Campbell and Tarnow have been running the squad for three calendar years totaling nine seasons. To be fair, that first season or two they didn’t have Tarnow in the front office but would instead say they might draft him, then either take him in round 2 or miss out and have to trade for him after. Not sure which of the two sides was playing hard to get but regardless, red and whatever band they name themselves after is always a solid bet to do well. Playoff success thus far has been tougher to come by but that’s the case for just about any team at any level of hockey. The comparisons to the Carolina Hurricanes aren’t going away anytime soon but honestly that seems like a backhanded compliment if anything. Fun fact: red actually had more combined regular season standings points than any team in the league in 2025. With all the new franchises this season and the surprise championship participants from last season I think they’re certainly being slept on going into this season. I think that’s probably a mistake.
Adventures In Tandems
Speaking of new franchises and possible mistakes, only time will tell how this one will go. But just a season after D5 became the first hockey league in history to employ the concept of tandems, we’ve moved into the next phase where we’re going to have a team that is now entirely run by tandems. And with no cap anymore on the number of tandems that can be drafted by a single team, I have it on good authority this team is going to seek to draft as many tandems as possible. In fact, if we could have had 15 tandems that were draftable, including two female tandems, a goalie tandem and possibly a tandem of coaches to run the bench (each with two different suits to alternate during games), this team could have gone for the ultimate tandem achievement: dress a different lineup in every single game. No two lineups are the same. Instead of using a date and time you could identify a game they played by what lineup was dressed like it was an entry on the blockchain ledger. I think I’ve gotten a little off topic here but the point remains: nothing like this has been seen before and with the starting double tandem of myself, Ken, Ryan and Pete, this team will have a high floor at the very least. The ceiling? No less than hockey history. We are all witnesses.
Untitled Colorado Project
And indeed if it’s history you want to witness, boy have you come to the right place. For just the second time in league history we have a team that is going to be drafted by a GM who is not actually on the team and in fact lives thousands of miles away in Colorado. For just a few years after Sully drafted the original Red Rockets and led them to an unexpected 2nd place finish in the regular season, we now have a team that is going to be run by D5 legend Jack McGinty. Apparently he doesn’t have a ton going on these days and has time to research, draft and manage a ball hockey team across the country. Just his wedding in less than a month. I wish I could really describe Annie’s general reaction on the call that sealed this arrangement; the best I can do is “bemused perplexity.” The franchise is already off to a hot start as his first act was to annex the draft rights to Russo and Source, both returning D5 vets, both somewhat familiar with the Jack school of leadership but about to get a crash course regardless. Needless to say, incredible things are happening in the team group chat already.
Hate to dox Source’s # but those are the breaks sometimes. If you’re looking for a good time in Brooklyn late at night or an experienced comm major to run a press conference, look no further. He’s actually been tasked with naming the team. If he actually does end up naming it after Ramy…sky’s the limit.
The Phantom Pie Pie
In just the span of a year, Pie Pie went from the fattest cat in American history to one of the most successful first year franchises in D5 history. Quite an achievement honestly. In fact, you could argue rather convincingly that they were the 3rd most successful franchise in 2025 out of 14 that we had. Three seasons, three final four appearances with two second place regular season finishes and a lot of diabetic cat references along the way. The team has succeeded in restoring the pride of the orange franchise, which was one considered to be cursed years ago. Now heading into their second calendar year and moving onto the second Star Wars trilogy, they’ll have a lot to live up to. With Danilo manning the blue line, James back from a broken leg and supposedly looking as fast as ever and his best friend / drinking buddy Kieran joining him in the front office, they’ll look to build on one of the most surprising first years in D5 history to finally hoist the cup.
Hockey At Glatt’s
The surprise team of last season, most people scoffed at Zuck when he said he was bringing in two of his buddies who would be two of the best players in D5. Well, after one season in which they combined for 54 points, finished 1st and 3rd in the scoring race and led the team to a championship, no one’s scoffing anymore. In fact, going into this season multiple people were saying this team needed to be docked their 1st rounder, 2nd rounder, 3rd rounder, 5th rounder, Zuck’s firstborn and $25,000 in cash. That seemed just a tad extreme but while there were certainly some compensatory picks exchanged, it’s inarguable that this team is going to be a contender as long as they can trot out two of the best forwards in the league on the top line and Zuck anchoring the D. Will they be able to have as much success now that everyone’s going to key in on stopping their top unit every game? The old Mike Tyson quote comes to mind: “everyone has a plan until they get punched in the mouth.” Knowing what you have to do is one thing. Actually executing it is another entirely. I have no idea who their new buddy Antonio is but assuming he delivers value on his 7th round price tag, Glatt’s is going to be a force once again.
Some Clap Themed Situation
Clap went into last year as a consensus top two team in the league after an inaugural year in which they won a President’s Trophy, got 2nd place in the regular season the other two times, went to the final four every season, made the championship game twice and won a cup. In 2025 they won a President’s Trophy, won five playoff games, made two final fours and made a championship game. For most franchises that’s one hell of a year. By the lofty standards these savages have set for themselves, it was a bit of a disappointment and one they will look to rebound from in 2026 or I expect the franchise to disband and Tommy and Pete to have an even bigger fight than the time he skipped the spring championship to watch Messi play. Thankfully the World Cup doesn’t start til June 11 which should be after the regular season ends but if we get a few rainouts or if Ryan has to battle injuries like he did for much of 2025, they’re going to be in trouble. If they can avoid absences by their top pick and internal turmoil, they’re going to be one of the championship frontrunners every season in 2026.
The Sexual Dynasty
With 15 straight final four appearances dating back to the pre-covid days when Jack was single, Hicks wasn’t married, Braun was shitting his pants at a party in his own home and we still went to Dorrian’s every single Tuesday night (no idea how we did it tbh), blue remains the model of consistency in a league full of turnover every season. And after bidding farewell last winter to the only man besides myself to ever wear the C as well as possibly the best player to ever play in this league, many felt blue would struggle to replicate their past success. Instead, the franchise picked up two cups, one as a plucky 5th place underdog and one as an analytics juggernaut. A double OT loss to Glatt’s in the Fall semifinals denied the team the calendar slam but with Chad back on the squad after what can only be described as a six month bender, sex remains firmly on the agenda in 2026. See ya @ Patrizia’s.