District Five Championship
Sex Ed (+300)
Glazin’ Donuts (+300)
Hockey at Glatt’s (+600)
Chappell Red (+600)
The MilkMob (+600)
Street Meat (+600)
The UMass Football Team (+600)
The Phantom Pie Pie (+600)
Pinky Toe (+600)
Bruise Control (+800)
Merry Pranksters (+1200)
Baja Blast (+1200)
COMMENTS: It may just be legacy bias on my end but the Blue and Clap franchises appear to boast the strongest all-around depth with the big game experience to make another deep run. Whatever you may think of Glatt’s roster construction (and there are questions to be had), as long as they can trot out one of the league’s top first units they are going to have a puncher’s chance at a cup. Ditto Street Meat although their top unit is slightly less ferocious but their depth is slightly better. Ditto whatever Jack’s team is (Source still has not responded to multiple texts for a name, sending his own name into trade rumors although no one is willing to give up more than a pack of smokes and an expired condom in the deal). The Rocky Mountain draft experience was certainly something but he walked away with the top two picks in the draft, the first goalie pick and the first female selection and still found time to troll the MilkMob mid-draft. Speaking of the Mob, I have them near the bottom end of a large middle class of teams that will jockey for positioning in the middle part of the league table all season. It’s tough to tell if there’s more parity this spring than previous seasons or if I just am having more trouble than usual getting a handle on these teams but I have to tell you, this looks to be the most wide open season in a while. I know who my top two are, but #3 could legitimately be any of six different teams which is literally half the league. Place your bets folks.
District Five Championship
Sex Ed, Glazin’ Donuts, or Street Meat (+115)
Field (-170)
Team To Make Final Four
Both Sex Ed and Glazin’ Donuts (-300)
Hockey at Glatt’s (EVEN)
Street Meat (+160)
The UMass Football Team (+160)
The Phantom Pie Pie (+200)
Pinky Toe (+200)
Chappell Red (+200)
The MilkMob (+220)
Bruise Control (+300)
Merry Pranksters (+500)
Baja Blast (+500)
Which Team Will Finish Higher In The Standings?
Pinky Toe (+150)
Glazin’ Donuts (-225)
Comments: Rens-bowl, as they like to call it, except I think silver is going to get a measure of revenge for being surprisingly overtaken last season by pink’s surprise run to the championship. Pinky Toe still has a wealth of talent and the motivation to make APK’s final season count but I’m expecting the Donuts to put the glaze on Yehuda (disgusting).
Which Team Will Finish Higher In The Standings?
The Phantom Pie Pie (-120)
Street Meat (-120)
Comments: A number of picks for Pie Pie this season were out of my hands so based on my own clearly massive ego, I have them ranked more middle of the pack than elite like most preseasons. Street Meat is going to face some logistical hurdles, including that Ariel and Oskar literally submitted exact opposite availabilities as if they were actually the same person (both bald, one Estonian and about a foot taller). Should be an interesting race.
Which Team Will Finish Higher In The Standings?
Hockey at Glatt’s (+170)
Sex Ed (-250)
Which Team Will Win The Three Game Series?
The MilkMob (+140)
Chappell Red (-185)
COMMENTS: For the first time since Hicks and Jack used to run teams and request a three game series every season, I have purposely put on the schedule a best of three between bitter rivals. Last season Campbell rolled up to the rink with a trophy he specifically made for this matchup and even proclaimed to the media that the MilkMob had never beaten red. And then, somehow, the MilkMob notched a comeback win in the 3rd period to pick up their first victory in the history of this series and win whatever trophy Campbell bought and subsequently regretted buying. This season we will have three matchups spaced throughout the season with game 3 taking plaace on the final Friday night of the season. Winner to receive a round of shots on me. Fireball for red. Something disgusting and milk themed for the Mob. Strong chance someone throws up, either during the game or during said round of shots. Don’t miss it.
Which Team Will Finish Higher In The Standings?
The UMass Football Team (-145)
The MilkMob (EVEN)
COMMENTS: I’ve never seen a player poached mid-draft, let alone from a team that was taking shrooms for hours. As you can imagine, this caused all sorts of delays as Jordan struggled to comprehend what was going on while Joe kept screaming “ya don’t steal from the mob…ya just don’t do it.” It was truly quite a scene and one which I hope to never see repeated again. So is the Mob going to get revenge? Is Joe going to leave Amanda another voicemail from the toilet? Does she even know what’s going on? I have no idea but mental edge clearly goes to the Rocky Mountain team, even if they don’t have a name yet.
District Five Scoring Title
Everett or Glattman (EVEN)
Chad or Ryan (+140)
Anyone named Jo, Joe or Joey Jo-Jo (+320)
Field (+420)
COMMENTS: The odds speak for themselves, especially with Glatt’s likely lack of defense necessitating them trying to win games 10-7 every week. But they did also get the benefit last season of Chad being in a tandem and Ryan uncharacteristically battling three separate injuries all season. Magosin will make this one interesting and there might be a push from the likes of Hicks or Craig, but this feels very much like a four horse race and, depending on Chad’s bender schedule, possibly three.
District Five Scoring Title
Anyone on LBS (-140)
Anyone on Rens (+185)
Anyone on Vertz or Poutine (+350)
Field (+350)
Note: Playing status refers to current team as per this seasons D5 registration. Market cannot be rigged by in-season poaching although many will surely try.
COMMENTS: You can diversify your betting on this market by picking up different baskets. This one gives you access to Ev, Glatt, Chad and then dark horses like Bedsy on the one hand, or Ryan, Craig, Reape, GG, APK or even Yehuda if the league folds and he’s the only one who shows up for the last game. Possibly some sneaky value on the Vertz/Poutine bucket as Hicks and Neil have both won this award while both they and Gelman are all top 10 in all-time league scoring. And that doesn’t even factor in Jo Robin who’s likely the best player of them all. Field is basically a bet on Magosin et al. If you don’t know what et al means, probably best to stay away from this market altogether.
District Five Scoring Title
Jew (-225)
Goy (+150)
Note: League Sportsbook Manager has final say over who is considered Jewish and his word supercedes any photos of bar mitzvahs or circumcisions that may arise.
COMMENTS: No offense to the Catholics of the league but on the eve of Easter, the Jews are killing Jesus once more. Ok, maybe a little offensive. But with Passover firmly in the rearview, the Jews are out of Egypt and firmly in control of this one. Chad, Everett, Glatt, Neil, Gelman, Jo Robin…in many ways this is the golden age for Jewish hockey. Hicks, Magosin and Ryan Levine (who I honestly still can’t believe isn’t Jewish considering he has the most Jewish name of all the people I’ve mentioned in this highly questionable writeup) will do their best to hold it down for the church but they’re getting plus money in this one. Will this all culiminate in a Jews vs Christians matchup on all-star weekend? Well, that’s not a thing in this league, but stay tuned.
Scoring Champion Total Points
Over 24.5 (-115)
Under 24.5 (-125)
COMMENTS: Last season was the craziest scoring bonanza I’ve ever seen and three different players beat this mark. Sportsbook models are betting on regression this season and I don’t think anyone beats this mark this season. Of course, the 12-0 Friday night games against shorthanded teams might jeopardize all of this but it’s also where Hicks and Ryan have made a living for years so not really anything new. The scale of it in the Fall was simply shocking.
Rookie Of The Year (all bets action)
Donny Fuchs (+120)
Brooke Gary (+150)
Antonio (+225)
Any Of The Shah Bros (+690)
Field (+300)
COMMENTS: I’m curious how the public bets this one. Donny was under the radar for a lot of team’s draft boards but green inexplicably picked him at the beginning of the 2nd round. This is the craziest 2nd round pick since…well, if you know you know. He has to basically produce at a top 10 pace to return value and if there’s any difficulty in adjusting (which is fairly standard in D5; see Menches, Mighty), it’s going to be a long season for Baja. An interesting dark horse is Antonio who I’ve been assured by the Glatt’s front office was a fair value in round 7 but who many suspect is another secret ringer from the streets of Long Island. The intel I received this morning that he’s not only been receiving private lessons from Everett and chomping at the bit to bet on this exact line is a bit disconcerting but I’m going to stick with our projection. The Shah Bros honestly might be the value bet of the year. Three for the price of one. The Jews from the previous article are no doubt pumped about that deal.
Who Will Finish Higher In The Scoring Race?
Hicks (-145)
Neil (EVEN)
Who Will Finish Higher In The Scoring Race?
Craig (-225)
Alex (+150)
Who Will Finish Higher In The Scoring Race?
Everett (-120)
Glattman (-120)
Who Will Finish Higher In The Scoring Race?
Chad (EVEN)
Ryan (-145)
More Combined Points?
Everett + Glattman (-135)
Chad + Ryan (-105)
COMMENTS: Everett & Glatt playing together for big mins every game while Chad is a flight risk to miss a game at any moment for a pop up rave (this literally almost happened last summer an hour before gametime because Fred Again was in town causing me to browse reddit’s r/aves community on a Tuesday afternoon for information on my lineup) give the edge to the Glatt’s double, but this one might overall be closer than you think.
Who Will Finish Higher In The Scoring Race?
Cherie (EVEN)
Mel (-145)
Who Will Finish Higher In The Scoring Race?
Tommy (-120)
Cardello (-120)
Who Will Finish Higher In The Scoring Race?
Kevin Tuohy (-120)
The Milkman (-120)
COMMENTS: Scoring race tiebreakers if players are tied in points: goals, then less games played. After that bets will be settled as a push.
Who Will Finish Higher In The Scoring Race?
Tarnow/Yehuda Tandem (-145)
Campbell/Jordan Tandem (EVEN)
COMMENTS: The Yehuda/Tarnow tandem could honestly be a sitcom.
Who Will Finish Higher In The Scoring Race?
Cardello/Carl Tandem (+150)
Zuck/Nate Tandem (-225)
Who Will Finish Higher In The Scoring Race?
Hanna (-130)
Taylor (-110)
Lower GAA (Regular Season Only; Must Start At Least Five Games)
Jeff Green (-145)
Sonj (EVEN)
Lower GAA (Regular Season Only; Must Start At Least Five Games)
Zisser (-200)
Max (+135)
Lower GAA (Regular Season Only; Must Start At Least Five Games)
Travis (+120)
Cam (-165)
What # Will Be Greater?
Source + Russo Points (+120)
Hicks Points (-165)
COMMENTS: Hicks is going to want to win this one bad. I would not advise betting against him.
What # Will Be Greater?
Oskar + Ariel Points (+115)
Ken + Alex Tandem Points (-160)
What # Will Be Greater?
Emma + Annabel Points (-145)
Both Yehudas Combined Points (EVEN)
What # Will Be Greater?
Levine Points (-120)
Glazin’ Donuts Standings Points (-120)
What # Will Be Greater?
Everett + Glattman + Zuck Points (-120)
Hockey At Glatt’s Regular Season Goals Allowed (-120)
COMMENTS: Good luck doing the math on the EV and correlation factors of the previous two.
How Many Games Will Go To OT? (Regular Season Only)
Over 8.0 (-145)
Under 8.0 (EVEN)
Grand Salami (Total Goals For The Season; Regular Season Only)
Over 427.5 (-120)
Under 427.5 (-120)
COMMENTS: Last season’s total was 474 which equates to an average of 7.9 goals per game. That is honestly insane and represented an all-time high, even counting the seasons when we had 15 minute periods. The previous season the average goals per game was 6.98. The previous season it was 6.4. This rise in scoring is close to inexplicable but I’m betting on some regression here, although I’m still expecting to hit the 7 goals per game mark because the league seems to have adopted the Hicks model of defense. It does make for great TV though.
When Will The Championship Be Played?
June 2 (-115)
June 9 (-115)
Any Other Date (+320)
COMMENTS: Fair warning, I will try whatever I can to keep the championship at the originally scheduled June 2 date, but at a certain point enough rainouts will force my hand. Any other date really only wins if it gets moved back AND it rains fairly heavily on June 9. This bet is really for the sickest of the sick only. But if you made it this far in this article, that might well be you.