1) Sex Ed
Average Rank: 1.83
Highest Rank: 1
Lowest Rank: 6
Standard Deviation: 2.04
1st Place Votes: 5 of 6
Comments: For the 7th straight preseason power rankings, blue receives the most votes and thus the top spot on this post-draft list. This of course continues to beg the question as to whether people really love this roster or if they’re just going by pedigree and past successc. I couldn’t really fault them either way as the roster looks sexy as hell while the franchise looks to make history with what would be a 16th straight Final Four appearance and a 5th cup in 8 seasons. There’s a lot of parity in the league this season, as per usual, but with several returning legends and a few new ones on the roster it’s a safe bet that this team will be near the top of the standings and our hearts for the foreseeable future.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“All the blue team staples with goalie wildcard, another top D, and value picks at every position. Hard to point to a team with fewer weaknesses.”
“Blue is always a top team. They’ve earned that respect year after year and there’s no reason to think that changes now.”
“Are the other captains doing drugs during these drafts or what?” (Editor’s Note: we found out this season that the answer is an unequivocal yes)
2) Glazin’ Donuts
Average Rank: 2.83
Highest Rank: 2
Lowest Rank: 5
Standard Deviation: 1.17
Comments: Silver debuts in the #2 spot in these ranks with a strong all-around draft that sees them bring back Jeff Green, the goalie who led them to the franchise’s only cup, and some tandem picks that should spice up the locker room situation. How Yehuda is going to handle the constant bombardment of healthy scratches that surely await him will be a storyline to monitor all season but I see this as a surefire top team with championship aspirations.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Picked a bunch of their friends to go along with their usual strong core and Jeff in net to clean up problems. They are going as far as their top players can take them, but it looks very far.”
“The most disgusting team name yet. Well done.”
3) Hockey at Glatt’s
Average Rank: 3.50
Highest Rank: 2
Lowest Rank: 6
Standard Deviation: 1.38
Comments: Hockey At Glatt’s comes in hot for the title defense with improved depth up front and a new possible ringer that nobody’s ever met. Questions abound about how many goals they’re going to give up (and it’ll probably be a lot) but with Everett/Glatt anchoring the top unit and Merone giving them 2nd line scoring, they’re going to be a tough out for any team.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“You can argue they improved this year with more depth, adding Merone to help solidify a second forward line, and Sanchick pairing with Zuck is going to be a tough D duo. Glatt’s already proved they can win after last season, so they’re right there at the top again.”
“This is going to be the highest scoring team in the league. Bet on it.”
4) The UMass Football Team
Average Rank: 4.80
Highest Rank: 1
Lowest Rank: 7
Standard Deviation: 2.39
1st Place Votes: 1 of 6
Comments: I have no idea why this is the team name that Source decided to go with but as ridiculous as this franchise may seem, there’s no doubt they’re a legit contender. They came away from the draft with the top two overall picks and also having been the first team to draft a goalie and a lady. It’s a little bit top heavy, but it’s a heavy top.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“On one hand, they look like the squad you get when you fantasy draft in the NHL video games, with a bunch of all stars from yesteryear, but also they have Joe and Jo and AJ. They are gonna win games on talent alone, but the structure is weird.”
“An absentee GM is going to leave this team to captained by Source telling everyone he’s cute and Amanda yelling incoherently from the bench, as she does. I don’t think it’s going to work.“
“Doesn’t the UMass’ football team actually suck?”
5) Street Meat
Average Rank: 5.60
Highest Rank: 3
Lowest Rank: 10
Standard Deviation: 2.88
Comments: The first ever team captained by two tandems, this squad is loaded with talent as Ken, Ryan and Oskar will give Street Meat offensive punch that few teams can match while Pete and Ariel hold down the blue line. There’s also a lot of depth with LaPorte coming off a career year and Pigozzi anchoring the second line but some questions about attendance and general structure. Also a question is how Mel and Cardello will mesh on the same team. And how anyone will move Doug from the front of the opponent’s net. If Glatt’s is the favorite to be the highest scoring team in the league this group has to be a very close second.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“A bunch of skilled players with attendance issues. Plenty of talent but plenty of weaknesses as well. If they can minimize those weaknesses, they will go far.“
“Between Ariel and Oskar the baldness line is going to be next level.”
6) The Phantom Pie Pie
Average Rank: 5.80
Highest Rank: 4
Lowest Rank: 7
Standard Deviation: 1.64
Comments: Orange comes into 2026 with their lowest preseason ranking in franchise history but a lot of exciting pieces to build around. The Campbell/Jordan tandem is back for another season while Bedsy will look to build on a solid rookie season. Three picks which will probably swing the season for them: Brooke, who’s never played D5 before, Chris, who works in James’ office and has never played ball hockey before, and Will who played a few games in 2024 but is back and should make most games this season. If all those picks pan out, they should be back among the ranks of the contenders.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Hard to imagine a team this good is looking like it might be middle of pack, but there’s a very strong lineup here, and they should get tons of goals from the back end. The big question mark is in net, where relative D5 newbie Will can hopefully make a name for himself.”
“Weaker draft than usual but still have enough horses (excuse me – cats) to make some noise.”
“Does James’ coworker actually play hockey?”
7) Chappell Red
Average Rank: 5.83
Highest Rank: 2
Lowest Rank: 12
Standard Deviation: 3.31
Comments: Red returns for 2026 with Campbell back out in the field and Zisser back in net after a season off for fatherhood. Will he be rusty after a season off or will replacing drugs with Orange Theory prove to be beneficial for his goaltending career? Goaltending expert Campbell is betting on the latter as they traded out of the first round to grab Ziss and bring back Tuohy who they drafted for three straight seasons in 2025 en route to the most regular season wins in the league. Now they look to achieve the two things that eluded them last season: victory over their rivals on the dairy farm and another shot at the D5 Cup.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Wouldn’t be shocked to see Red make a deep run.”
“I think they will do just fine despite not having the scoring pop of a first round forward.“
“The Carolina Hurricanes of D5.”
8) The MilkMob
Average Rank: 7.33
Highest Rank: 4
Lowest Rank: 9
Standard Deviation: 1.75
Comments: Red and MilkMob get ranked back-to-back with the league’s first scheduled best of 3 series since Jack and Hicks retired their rivalry. It’s a gamblers dream which actually was one of the early taglines for this league. Early action looks to be siding with red but the Mob is icing a stronger all-around roster than usual this season with Caleb back from a one season sabbatical and anchoring the blue line in front of Sonj. With Hicks and Joe providing scoring punch, a roster drafted while on drugs and a host of cowbells just waiting on the bench to be activated I’m bullish MilkMob this season.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“I’m high on Mob this season, big fan of the Milkman. After taking a combined 30–4 from Glatt’s last year, they’re probably excited to not face them this season. Hicks is probably still salty from that playoff OT half-court goal from a few seasons ago — might not have fully recovered yet. Still, they’ve got the pieces to bounce back and be right in the mix.”
“Should have been docked multiple picks for their behavior during the draft. Insanity.“
9) Pinky Toe
Average Rank: 8.17
Highest Rank: 7
Lowest Rank: 11
Standard Deviation: 3.37
Comments: Yehuda told me a few weeks ago that this was a big season for him as captain as he’s captained two teams that lost in a championship game and three teams that were simply godawful. It’s an extremely accurate assessment and while I don’t think the team is bad by any means I also don’t expect them to repeat last season’s run to the finals. Rankers seem to agree and while 9th may seem low for a team with APK and Emma, there’s simply a lot of parity and overall league depth this season. They’ll have to at least split their Rensbowl series with Donuts to have any shot of finishing in the top half of the league. I’m not sure if it’ll happen.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Still think Yehuda is feeling that championship loss — that team was stacked. I’m very high on APK, he’s been underrated for a while and deserved that round 2 spot. They’ll miss Craig, but APK helps solidify that blue line.”
“Got a gift in Sophia falling to them, but doesn’t look as explosive as last season’s squad on offense or on defense.”
“Someone save Sophia and Emma. They deserve better.”
10) Bruise Control
Average Rank: 9.33
Highest Rank: 6
Lowest Rank: 12
Standard Deviation: 2.34
Comments: Rankers don’t quite seem to know what to make of purple as a few had them ranked as high as 6th while a few had them ranked in the basement with one person even ranking them dead last. That seems a bit harsh for a team with strong overall depth, one of the best girl combos in the league and Carl in net but while they do have depth, they also somewhat lack in explosiveness. Kittredge is going to have to have a career year at center with Simon racking up points from the blue line; otherwise they may not score enough to compete with the league’s elite.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Strong defense, goaltending and women, but missing some of the primary scoring that they would need to keep up against top offenses. Will need to keep opposing teams under 3 to win reliably.”
“Which three co-captains will he pick out of a hat next season? Whoever they are, hopefully he surrounds them with better talent.“
11) Merry Pranksters
Average Rank: 10.20
Highest Rank: 8
Lowest Rank: 12
Standard Deviation: 1.79
Comments: After taking 2025 off the Pranksters are back in action with Satok & Maddy coming back from the most recent iteration of the squad and joined by Sheila who played with Sam in the summer. As is standard with these tie dye squads, the vibes will be extremely high but the secondary scoring may be tough to come by. Still, they have three top scorers, two excellent ladies and a goalie who can get hot and steal games at any moment. They could surprise.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“This team will go as far as their ladies and their Gelman/Nick line will take them.”
“Good to have Gelman back as captain. Hopefully his players will feel the same way when they’re 0-4 in two weeks.”
12) Baja Blast
Average Rank: 10.60
Highest Rank: 9
Lowest Rank: 12
Standard Deviation: 1.14
Comments: I was a huge fan of Ari Fuchs when he played and miss him immensely. That said, taking his bro sight unseen with the 6th overall selection (not counting slotted picks) is going to either make or break this team. Well, that and the attendance of Neil and Minsky who have both been known to miss large stretches of games at a time either for fish concerts or run club mixers. With Jake getting married in the summer this looks to be the green team’s last run before they take a season or two off. I wish them luck, but do expect them to be playing on play-in weekend.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“I don’t get the hate here at all. Between Neil, Minsky, Berky, and Donny, they should have 2 lines with 2 great primary scoring options on each. Add Joel to strengthen the D and things are looking pretty good here. Smart bet to overperform on initial expectations.”
“Besides Neil, who will make about half the games, this is set to be one of the slowest teams in recent D5 history. If Donny Fuchs doesn’t end up being the consensus rookie of the year this is going to be another long season for Jake and Co.”