District Five Championship
Hockey at Glatt’s (+250)
Double Teamed (+250)
Untitled Sex Team (+250)
Shake ‘n Bake (+450)
Red Day (+450)
The Royal Sampler (+450)
Hootie & The Doug Fish (+450)
Attack Of The Pie Pie (+600)
Merry Pranksters (+800)
Show Bobs (+800)
Pink Panthers (+800)
District Five Championship (Chalk Edition)
Hockey at Glatt’s, Double Teamed or Untitled Sex Team (-225)
Field (+145)
District Five Championship (LBS Edition)
Hockey at Glatt’s or Untitled Sex Team (+120)
Field (-170)
District Five Championship (Rens Edition)
Shake ‘n Bake or Pink Panthers (+370)
Field (-630)
District Five Championship (Early Goalie Edition)
Merry Pranksters, Attack Of The Pie Pie, The Royal Sampler or Untitled Sex Team (+165)
Field (-250)
Team To Make Final Four
Shake ‘n Bake (EVEN)
Red Day (+130)
The Royal Sampler (+150)
Attack Of The Pie Pie (+200)
Hootie & The Doug Fish (+200)
Merry Pranksters (+400)
Show Bobs (+400)
Pink Panthers (+400)
COMMENTS: Every season someone complains about how the league doesn’t have as much parity as it used to, usually due to hyper-specific grievances involving specific players or recent events taking place in miniscule sample sizes. Last season was a great example as I heard these complaints throughout the season, perhaps due to the fact that a few teams were worse than usual and two teams became the first to ever go undefeated. Then the playoffs happened and a 5th seed that no one really thought had a chance went all the way to the finals. One undefeated team lost to them in the semis; the other undefeated team had to win two games in which they trailed in the 3rd in extended overtimes. All that to say that the concerns about parity are general disproven as the season rolls on and believe it or not, I think this season has more parity than we’ve had in years. Very tough to discern between the top teams as over half the league has a good argument for being a cup contender while one of the bottom teams almost always makes a run and surprises everyone, including me. In my opinion, Hockey at Glatt’s has to get the respect of the shortest odds as the two time champ with two of the league’s top players (three if you count Tony) but Double Teamed has an honestly insane roster and, if the logistics of the tandems can be properly navigated, has the firepower to take it all down. Just one season after we had hockey’s first team to be run by tandems, could this one actually win it all? Blue has a lot of unknown rookies here which lends itself to more uncertainty than usual, but also imparts a low floor/high ceiling dynamic which is what you want for these types of longshot props. Shake ‘n Bake has a similar type of situation and their hopes will rest on a few key decisions: Cam avoiding a cup hangover, ladies on D and Pete looking to rebound from a season where he fired 75 balls and one stick into the project parking lot. Red Day would be ranked higher if Campbell wasn’t out for the playoffs but I think Carter and Kevin is going to be as good a 1-2 forward combo as there is in this league outside of the Glatts duo. There’s also something to be said for the certainty of red being reliably solid every season. Attack Of The Pie Pie usually oozes that same type of certainty with four final four appearances in four seasons but this roster has a bunch of uncertainty due to the drafting of a bunch of rookies from James’ office. I could see them being strong as usual but I could also these guys not showing up after week 5, especially with their one friend currently being held hostage by navy (more on hostages later when we get to Yehuda’s team). The Royal Sampler will look to follow up a cinderella run to the finals with a season where they have claimed Carl as a co-captain which Milstein has assured me was 100% Carl begging Milstein and definitely certainly in no way the other way around. Hootie & The Doug Fish has an insane name, an even more insane logo and a shockingly loaded roster for first time captains and drafters. With Doug improving every season, don’t be surprised to see this team rack up wins. Merry Pranksters come off a season where they got the 3 seed with a roster that I don’t think is quite as strong, but still has a lot of potentil to surprise people. They’re going to miss Nick, Shane and Sheila tremendously but they’re also going to use that Goalie Wild Card to bring in Sonj as many times as humanly possible judging by the many questions I got about which specific goalies in the pool she would be allowed to sub for. Show Bobs similarly has the potential to surprise with a veteran roster that includes two time reigning Leetch Award winner Craig, the league’s all time leading scorer in Hicks and the league’s all time winningest goalie in Zisser. The front office situation is really something with Jenn GMing from her office in a Midtown wine bar and her former bartender Becca stepping in as captain alongside Hicks who might be caught in a hostage situation. And if hostage situations are your thing, boy do I have the team for you as the Pink Panthers feature Yehuda rolling out a new cast of female hostages that would make even the most hardened 70s serial killer jealous. In addition to Sophia doing her fourth straight tour of duty we’ve got Brooke Bertan making her pink debut and Kate Hall coming out of D5 retirement to round out the leadership group. Will she go back into retirement after this season? There may be a line on that released later in the season but regardless, I think this team is better than last season’s version but does have a lot of question marks with the top one potentially being Jason Campbell’s return season. A frequent round 1 pick and top goal scorer in his time in D5, he’s been away for two and a half years but makes his return next week. If he rounds back into form pink could rocket up the rankings. If he ghosts the team and goes back to California midseason the girls may mutiny. Very excited to see which way this goes.
Which Team Will Finish Higher In The Standings?
Shake ‘n Bake (-350)
Pink Panthers (+220)
Comments: Rens-bowl, as they like to call it, except I think navy is going to get a measure of revenge for being overtaken in Fall by pink’s surprise run to the championship and losing a crazy 6-5 game on a goal with 8 seconds left last season to split the season series. Panthers still have the firepower to put Pete and the defense in the proverbial blender, but I don’t see Ryan and Tommy allowing themselves to finish bottom half for the 4th time in 5 seasons. Backing a bounceback from Shake n’ Bake
Which Team Will Finish Higher In The Standings?
Hockey at Glatt’s (-120)
Untitled Sex Team (-120)
Comments: Winners of the last four cups and six of the last eight, I think this one is going to come down to the wire. Glatt’s was undefeated last season but I think that team was slightly stronger than this one unless their new rookie Korey is amazing which I’ve been told he isn’t. Big question marks also abound with a blue roster with three rookies on it. Very curious to see where public money comes in on this one.
Which Team Will Finish Higher In The Standings?
The Royal Sampler (-120)
Red Day (-120)
Comments: The 5th and 6th seed from last season who crashed the final four and both had late leads over the eventual champs. Which one will have the edge this season? Lots of attendance issues for both as Carl is in and out of the country all season while red had Campbell out for the first week and then Tarnow out of town for the following two and a half. That said, I’m extremely bullish Carter/Tuohy and think the red offense is going to be a force. They also got LaPorte in the 8th and Campbell in the 9th which will hurt come playoff time but is huge for a regular season only situation. Very tough to tell which way this one will go.
Which Team Will Finish Higher In The Standings?
Attack Of The Pie Pie (EVEN)
Hootie & The Doug Fish (-145)
COMMENTS: First time players vs first time captains. A legacy of great regular seasons (1st, 6th, 2nd and 1st) vs a new franchise no one knows anything about. It’s not easy to back the new franchise in this case but I think James’ friends may take some time to adjust to the D5 game. Then again, Chris didn’t really need any.
District Five Scoring Title
Everett or Glattman (-145)
Field (EVEN)
COMMENTS: The odds speak for themselves, especially with Glatt’s usual lack of defense necessitating them trying to win games 10-7 every week. The fact that the two frontrunners generally play together gives them a built-in edge in terms of correlation and certainty in linemate chemistry that’s tough to compete with for everyone who’s playing with new linemates.
District Five Scoring Title
Anyone on LBS (-170)
Anyone on Rens (+115)
Field (+280)
Note: Playing status refers to current team as per this seasons D5 registration. Market cannot be rigged by in-season poaching although many will surely try.
COMMENTS: The field price is insane but unless you think someone other than Ev, Glatt, Chad, Ryan or Craig is winning the scoring title, best to avoid. That said, there are some interesting dark horses including Jo, Kevin and Hicks who is going to get the benefit of a lot of Craig rebounds this season. Craig passes…prob not as much.
District Five Scoring Title
Jew (-200)
Goy (+125)
Note: League Sportsbook Manager has final say over who is considered Jewish and his word supercedes any photos of bar mitzvahs or circumcisions that may arise.
COMMENTS: When you really think about it, this is not all that different from the LBS vs Rens line except that Jews get Jo Robin and Gelman and goys get Hicks, Kevin and my personal darkhorse Carter. The spread is extremely wide on this one. I honestly have no idea how to handicap this absurd contest.
Scoring Champion Total Points
Over 27.5 (-115)
Under 27.5 (-125)
COMMENTS: Sportsbook models bet on regression last season and once again, multiple players set league records for scoring. This season I’m upping the line here but I am once advising people to take the under. That said, when Glatts shellacks some poor shorthanded team 12-0 on a Friday night don’t get mad at me.
Rookie Of The Year (all bets action)
Anyone on Blue (+150)
Anyone on Purple (+150)
Anyone on Orange (+300)
Field (+175)
COMMENTS: After last season’s historic rookie referendum, I’m extremely curious to see which was this one goes. There’s no clear frontrunner this season but a lot of intriguing rookies, many of whom have been concentrated on three teams in particular. They may have talent but will any of them spend hundreds of dollars on random cameos?
Who Will Finish Higher In The Scoring Race?
Hicks (-120)
Chad (-120)
Who Will Finish Higher In The Scoring Race?
Alex (-120)
Tarnow (-120)
Who Will Finish Higher In The Scoring Race?
Everett (-120)
Glattman (-120)
Who Will Finish Higher In The Scoring Race?
Craig (EVEN)
Ryan (-145)
Who Will Finish Higher In The Scoring Race?
Matt Bramson (EVEN)
Sam Gelman (-145)
Who Will Finish Higher In The Scoring Race?
Brooke Gary (-120)
Maddy (-120)
Who Will Finish Higher In The Scoring Race?
Tommy (-145)
Cardello (EVEN)
Who Will Finish Higher In The Scoring Race?
Tarnow/Zuck Tandem (-120)
Brooke Gary/Alex Horton Tandem (-120)
COMMENTS: Scoring race tiebreakers if players are tied in points: goals, then less games played. After that bets will be settled as a push.
Lower GAA (Regular Season Only; Must Start At Least Four Games)
Jeff Green (-120)
Tyler (-120)
What # Will Be Greater?
Ryan + Everett Tandem Points (-120)
Craig + Alex Tandem Points x 1.5 (-120)
What # Will Be Greater?
Yehuda Silverman Points (-165)
Yehuda Weinbach Points x 1.5 (+115)
What # Will Be Greater?
Tony (EVEN)
Brooke Gary Points Only In Her Tandem Appearances (-145)
COMMENTS: The original straight up line for her regular appearances had Brooke at -600. This one is much more fun as she’ll likely play 4-5 games as part of the tandem and eat minutes in those appearances. Of all the lines I’m curious to see where the public money goes, this one might be the most fascinating.
What # Will Be Greater?
Levine Points (-120)
Glazin’ Donuts Standings Points (-120)
What # Will Be Greater?
Everett + Glattman Points (-145)
Hockey At Glatt’s Regular Season Goals Allowed (EVEN)
COMMENTS: Good luck doing the math on the EV and correlation factors of the previous two.
How Many Games Will Go To OT? (Regular Season Only)
Over 8.0 (-145)
Under 8.0 (EVEN)
Grand Salami (Total Goals For The Season; Regular Season Only)
Over 394.5 (-120)
Under 394.5 (-120)
COMMENTS: Last season’s total ended at 429 which equates to an average of almost exactly 7 goals per game and also represented one of the great linemaking performances of the century. The previous season it was a historically high 7.9 goals per game. That is honestly insane and represented an all-time high, even counting the seasons when we had 15 minute periods. The previous season the average goals per game was 6.98. The previous season it was 6.4. This rise in scoring is close to inexplicable but I’m sticking with last season’s general projection although it seems lower because there are 11 teams rather than 12 this summer.
When Will The Championship Be Played?
August 4 (-130)
August 5, 6 or 11 (-115)
Any Other Date (+400)
COMMENTS: Takes a real sicko to bet on weather events several months out but that’s basically what this line is and who it’s for. Fair warning – I will do whatever I can to keep the championship at the originally scheduled date and summer offers a ton of makeup dates to work with, but at a certain point enough rainouts will force my hand. Any other date really only wins if it gets moved back AND it rains fairly heavily for several weeks in August. This bet is really for the sickest of the sick only. But if you made it this far in this article, that might well be you.