1) Hockey at Glatt’s
Average Rank: 1.42
Highest Rank: 1
Lowest Rank: 3
Standard Deviation: 0.67
1st Place Votes: 8 of 12
Comments: The two time defending champs receive the top spot in the preseason ranks despite a draft that I don’t think was quite as strong as last season’s and Tony potentially facing an impending suspension for losing last year’s rookie referendum despite the best efforts of The Finnish Flash. They’ve got the regular gang back together along with Zuck’s younger brother who’s back in the league after taking a season off to get married and have also brought in three time championship winning goaltender Max between the pipes. People will of course sewer them for ice time concerns but believe it or not I’ve actually never received a single complaint from anyone in two seasons. As long as Glatt and Everett are competing for scoring titles and the defense/goaltending is at least above average, this is going to remain one of the very best teams in the league.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Until I see them lose a championship game they will be ranked one.”
“Back to back however the Tony fiasco was a complete disgrace. Punishment should have extended not just to Tony but to the front office who no doubt endorsed this sad excuse of a campaign.“
“It turns out when you experience secure attachment as a child, play hockey together for 15 years, and sit your entire second and third line, you win a lot of hockey games.”
“Gotta give credit where credit is due. Having 2 of the top players in the league who play an average of 35 minutes per game is a very effective strategy to win hockey games. I wonder if next season they will literally only draft 1 woman and a goalie and just decline every other pick.”
“The Glatts didn’t draft well this season, but it doesn’t matter since most their players will be on the bench 90% of the time anyway. That’s just how important winning an adult recreational ball hockey league is to this team’s leadership. Will this be the year someone paying $200 to sit on a bench for 40 minutes every Tuesday night finally snaps? We’ll see.”
https://www.gofundme.com/glatts-bench-refund-fundraiser (Editor’s Note: savage trolljob here, no notes)
2) Double Teamed
Average Rank: 3.75
Highest Rank: 1
Lowest Rank: 11
Standard Deviation: 2.96
1st Place Votes: 1 of 12
Comments: Last year’s Street Meat had a solid on-paper roster but was plagued by attendance and injury issues capped off by Pete almost decapitating people in the projects parking lot next door. This season the team has rebranded in honor of a truly bizarre Disney movie and with Everett, Craig, Levine, Tarnow and Zuck on the roster as tandems, plus value picks like Ariel, Brad, Levy, Fullam and last year’s actual rookie of the year finalist Maulik, this has the potential to be the most firepower on any roster in the league. The concern with tandems and the teams that draft them is always chemistry and scheduling issues but considering the talent in this lineup, it may not matter. Looks like lots of people are in line to get Double Teamed this season. Plan accordingly.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“This team looks bonkers. People will say the fix is in after they got Craig slotted in the second round…but…I’m not sure how to finish that sentence.”
“How can Everett and Craig end up on the same team? Like last season’s tandem team, this team will certainly score and get scored on. If they get max effort from tandem 1 and 2, they are incredibly scary.”
“Very good on paper, but we’ve seen tandem teams struggle in the past. Will Everett be able to score without his wingman or without a team that lets him play 40 minutes a game?”
“I just don’t think this type of team works.”
“Tandems get no synergy, double team will fall.”
3) Untitled Sex Team
Average Rank: 4.42
Highest Rank: 1
Lowest Rank: 8
Standard Deviation: 1.93
1st Place Votes: 1 of 12
Comments: For the first time in several years, blue doesn’t take the top spot in the preseason ranks and instead slips to #3 amid uncertainty over drafting four rookies and after a down year that saw them miss the final four for the first time since 2019. For most teams a final four berth is the culmination of a great season; for sex, it would represent the worst three season stretch for the franchise since 2022 and likely lead to people being fired/deported. This season will likely come down to two things: if the front office can rebound after relative down years and if the rookie goalie is as good as reviews have said he is. Assuming he and the other rookies return value (plus sophomore defenseman Shane), this team is easily a championship contender.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Frey had to forego writing an entire paragraph last playoffs after they didn’t make the semifinals for the first time in 14 seasons. Might have finally sent him over the edge, hence him scrambling to tandem with Craig. Eventually he’ll just choose therapy, but until then, blues at the bottom for me this season.“
“This team was actually more scary last season, but like Glazin can’t help but feel that Mikey and Frey are gonna be fired up to recover after missing the semis for the first time ever.”
“Classic formula of defense, Chad, and lobs to Cardello and the rookie Frey sounded concerningly excited to draft. However, I do not anticipate them to have the postseason scoring pop that’s required to win in 2026.”
“If Frey and Chad really were playing through injuries last season and the rookie goalie is as good as people say he is, this is going to be a dangerous team and one that gets to fly under the radar for the first time maybe ever.”
4) Red Day
Average Rank: 4.67
Highest Rank: 1
Lowest Rank: 9
Standard Deviation: 2.10
1st Place Votes: 1 of 12
Comments: Red was a trendy championship pick during last playoffs and arguably came closer than anyone to beating Glatt’s, holding a 3-1 lead with four minutes left before losing a heartbreaker in OT. This season they’ve got much of the same roster coming back between the core three, plus Kevin and Sarah, but are bringing back team legend and Campbell’s younger brother Carter who is in town for the summer and sneakily one of the top forwards in the league. Losing Campbell and LaPorte for the playoffs is a rough blow but this team is always in the mix and looked poised to take the next step last season. Is this the year they finally do it?
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“This team is an absolute wagon. It’s almost like having a captain who looks at hockey analytics for a living is helpful in drafting for some reason. Carter and Kev are going to make a very high firepower line 1, and they should have reasonable d and goaltending, as well as Sarah Hoffman to run it back for another try.”
“Scary depth and solid picks across the board. Will surely hound Tyler to get him in net with GWC2 and if they do, this team will be difficult to beat.”
“Shit down Touhy, i dont know whos scoring.” (Editors Note: I must assume this was supposed to say “shut down Tuohy”)
“The last time Jordan and Laporte played on a line together was at the chiclets cup in Boston last September, where their line saw a -34 goal differential. The only difference was that Campbell was in net for that team, which he’s not here. Maybe adding a second Weaver will help, but I wouldn’t count on it.”
5) The Royal Sampler
Average Rank: 4.92
Highest Rank: 1
Lowest Rank: 9
Standard Deviation: 2.11
1st Place Votes: 1 of 12
Comments: After a surprise cinderella run to the finals this team is no longer going to sneak up on people. Then again, that’s what we said about pink last season and sneak up on people they did in the form of the worst defensive team I’ve seen in several years. I don’t see the same thing happening to purple though and rankers seem to agree with a lofty 5th place ranking and just 0.5 average rank points shy of 3rd. The team name comes from a Simpsons clip where Homer has a completely random assortment of cards in his hand that his underlings name The Royal Sampler. Honestly, that’s not so different from how some people think Milstein chooses captains; in just his fifth season, he’s adding his 8th and 9th co-captains (the next highest in that span is 6) with Amanda and Carl joining in. As per the supplementary pick guidelines I sent out preseason I’m not sure which one of them he slept with, but if I had to guess I’d go with Carl. But if I had to guess which of them is going to yell more during the season I would bet literally everything on Amanda. But then if I had to then guess which single player on the roster justifies them being ranked this high, it’s obviously Carl. Already an elite goalie going into last season, a legendary playoff run that saw him become the first player to ever win the Adam Banks Playoff MVP Award in a losing effort has him being ranked as one of the leagues top 1-3 goalies and some captains saying that even a 2nd round slotting is generous. We’ll see how this season goes but although I do like this purple roster more than last season’s, I’m not sure if I see another miracle run to the finals in the cards. Cards. Like the Royal Sampler. It all comes full circle.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Carl is slowly becoming a consistent top goalie in this league but I dont know if people have mentally put him in that category yet but we saw it last season that he can take a team on a playoff run, with players like Milstein, Oskar, Pigs and Jo all able to play forward and D lots of roster fluidity, but can they mesh together?”
“I would rank this team even lower if it wasn’t for Carl.”
“This team is horrible but they have Carl.“
6) Shake ‘n Bake
Average Rank: 5.08
Highest Rank: 2
Lowest Rank: 7
Standard Deviation: 2.15
Comments: Just a year and a half ago this franchise was riding high off a 2024 calendar year that saw them make at least the semis every season, make two finals, win one cup and finish the regular season 2nd, 2nd and 1st. Fast forward to today and they’ve struggled to find that same kind of success as the team has finished in the bottom half of the standings in three of four seasons since. Ryan’s still an absolute force on the rink but he can only do so much by himself and his brain is sometimes kind of fuzzy. Pete’s recent struggles on the rink have been described by some as “not his best effort” and by others as “bro is ass.” He’s also under fire for almost getting the league shot up by responding to a turnover he committed by smashing his stick and then throwing the broken stick into the project parking lot. Honestly not sure why that turnover made him so upset because if he did that after every turnover there would be no sticks left for anyone else in New York to play hockey. In any case, this team is hungry and they have a deeper roster than in recent seasons, although playoff attendance will be a concern. Like with blue, some are beginning to question if this franchise can return to their former glory. Like with blue, I think they can.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Ryan and Pete are out for blood after a disappointing season last time. They got amazing value for Cam who has been playing the best of hockey of his life this year and showing up on time. Losing Amit in playoffs hurts.”
“Will have 30 shots per game between Minsky, Pete and Amit. Hopefully, Ryan and the rest of the team are okay with that.”
“Launching sticks into the projects is just screaming that the franchise has lost its way. Must fix the locker room.”
7) Hootie & The Doug Fish
Average Rank: 6.08
Highest Rank: 3
Lowest Rank: 11
Standard Deviation: 2.50
Comments: Hootie & The Doug Fish were given incredibly generous pre-draft placements with Bramson & Hootie being slotted at the 5/6 turn and Doug being slotted in the final round despite noticeable improvement in his game last season. This was done in anticipation of some pretty brutal drafting which is very common among first time captains. Imagine my surprise when not only did they draft an actual solid team, they did so only using about 1 minute total on their picks. Next season, I’m instituting a new rule where the franchise who uses the most time to pick has to buy either multiple bottles of liquor, multiple rounds of shots or a pony keg for the franchise who uses the least time. Hootie & The Doug Fish (previously known as “Big Doug” for about 7 glorious minutes) have two legit scoring lines led by aforementioned co-captains Bramson & Hootie, 1st/2nd round turn picks Ken & Lucas and last season’s rookie of the year Brooke Gary, fresh off putting Tony in a body bag and sending him to the East River where he apparently left the cup. Honestly I think this team would be rated higher if it wasn’t a new franchise that people don’t fully trust just yet but people are skeptical of a new team, especially if Scott breaks Bramson’s back over his knee the way that Bane did to Batman. Cautiously optimistic on what might be the best named team of 2026.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Apparently Bramson is really good at two things – getting kicked out of games and drafting teams. I had low expectations for these first-time captains but they drafted a very good team. Will come down to soon to be father Lucas’s attendence and if Doug can keep up his strong goaltending performance from last season.”
“Really solid draft, and Dougie himself had an under-the-radar strong last season sharing goalie duties for yellow. I’m a big fan.”
“LOVE the top of this roster but the bottom of it may sink it. Ken is goated.”
“Really like Hooties. Fast team, Lucas there for muscle. Might work. Joel has to keep up the D or else they are cooked.”
“About as much leadership on this team as OceanGate Titan. Bramson drafted them a good team, but they’re on a collision course with the Titanic just like the submersible.”
8) Attack Of The Pie Pie
Average Rank: 7.92
Highest Rank: 5
Lowest Rank: 11
Standard Deviation: 1.78
Comments: By far the lowest preseason rank ever for this franchise as the roster is populated with a bunch of guys that work at Jefferies with James, making this a summer in the city vibes team for the ages. Are these guys actually any good at hockey or is every game going to be spent discussing interns and reservations at Dorsia while Caitlin and Cherie ponder why they signed up for this league in the first place? It’s a bold draft strategy and one which I could see either yielding huge results or backfiring spectacularly. The analyst crowd might put up 25 goals this season or Jeff Green might face 25 shots per period. Rankers seem undecided which is more likely but another undefeated regular season simply isn’t happening; if the rookies overachieve, however, the team that has never missed the final four could certainly make it in again.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Every season I doubt this team and then they always make me look stupid. Without Craig scoring 20 goals and Brooke lighting it up I’m not sure this team can score enough to win.”
“These guys have been about as consistent as anyone, and I imagine this season to be no different. They took some early chances on some relative unknowns, but given how quickly they made those picks, I think they have inside info we might not have. With this in mind, I think these guys are gonna fly up the rankings.”
“Apparently all of James’ friends/coworkers play hockey, but unless the newest one is something special, this team is nowhere close to the spring iteration of the team.”
“Due for a down year. Commendable franchise.”
“I don’t know who half the people are on this team, so we can only assume that Frey finally let Caitlin draft it herself. Yet, they still are gonna fight hard for that damn cat.“
9) Merry Pranksters
Average Rank: 8.83
Highest Rank: 7
Lowest Rank: 10
Standard Deviation: 1.03
Comments: I wonder if people would have ranked this team higher if instead of Goalie Wild Card their listed goalie was Sonj who will for sure be their goalie in most games and in the playoffs. Honestly, probably not though as the Pranksters rarely get a high preseason ranking in these parts but at least some of that is because they generally prioritize vibes over winning. Last season they were able to achieve both as Gelman, Satok and Maddy led this crew to a 3rd place regular season finish and quite nearly the greatest playoff comeback in league history; down 7-2, they cut the lead to 7-6 before falling just short. It’s a mostly new squad but they’ve brought back team vets Alan Morningstar and, of course, Sonj who was in net for what might be the franchise’s best squad ever in Fall 2024. There’s also sneaky value down the roster for guys like D5 champion Carson Wine and man bun runner Mike Agaby. Ultimately, Gelman and Maddy will need to carry the offense with Sonj playing at her best to carry them to a deep run. Considering she finally seems to be over the injury that sidelined her for much of the spring, I wouldn’t doubt her.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Very similar to last seasons team if some of their players can take a step in development this season they have a chance to make some noise.”
“Doesn’t look quite as well rounded as last squad, but as always, the vibes are immaculate.”
“I think Donny has a break out season…that and how many games Sonj will play for them will dictate where they end up.”
“Let it be known that Satok chose Gelman over bringing back the mighty ducks, a favorite d5 franchise. Their jerseys might be a 10/10 but so is their ranking.“
10) Pink Panthers
Average Rank: 9.17
Highest Rank: 4
Lowest Rank: 11
Standard Deviation: 2.08
Comments: No team’s front office was more ravaged in the offseason than Pink’s as they lost MVP contender Emma, the always underrated GG and the true backbone of the team APK. Yehuda has rebuilt by bringing in Brooke and Kate and drafting Sophia for the fourth consecutive campaign. The season hasn’t even started yet and already rumors are flying that Yehuda is going to either be mutinied or be the defendant in a class action lawsuit brought on by all the Rens women who have been thrown onto this squad the past several seasons. Don’t worry, the attorney power rankings are in the works and will be released this season. But in the meantime this team is going to have to find a way to win games to prevent Sophia from offing herself and I’m not entirely sure how that’s happening. They’re going to need Jason Campbell to rediscover his 2023 form when he was one of the top goalscorers in the league while routinely shotgunning Bud Lights before, after and sometimes at my personal request during games. If he doesn’t, the shotgun’s going to be in Sophia’s hands and it’s going to be pointed at either Yehuda or herself. Most likely Yehuda.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Why is this team the least favored to win? Am I missing something? This is a strong defensive team with a lot of grit. If Jason Campbell has good attendence, look out.”
“I’m not high on them, but the team really doesn’t look bad. Yehuda captaining Herman will be a joy to watch and a nightmare to live.”
“It’s getting close to the point where this franchise may just have to fold it up. Being drafted by this team is akin to being a prisoner of war. 2-8 squad.”
“Offering up a new name for this team (Yehuda’s Jail Cell) as I fear we are very close to losing Sophia for good if he doesn’t free her from his boney hand clutches. At least this team will back check to try and salvage her peace. (Photo attached)“
11) Show Bobs
Average Rank: 9.75
Highest Rank: 4
Lowest Rank: 11
Standard Deviation: 2.09
Comments: After taking the Spring to regroup, the boobs franchise is back and with three of their first four picks being Hicks, Zisser and Craig this is probably the most boob loving roster that has ever existed. Somewhere Everett is on the phone with his agent asking how he wasn’t selected to be on this team in the same way that last season there was a team called Street Meat that somehow didn’t have Hicks on it or there was once a team named after a prostitution agency that also didn’t have Hicks on it. Those were unfortunate circumstances indeed but he’s on Show Bobs now and clearly was the one who named the team after a very funny and possibly slightly racist meme situation. And he’s probably going to rack up a ton of points on assists to and rebounds from Craig shots. But whether it will lead to wins is another question entirely that no one knows the answer to. Actually, I probably do know the answer. It’s no.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Probably one of the best Jenn drafted teams I’ve seen in a while, but I’m not seeing anyone except a lot of defense. I don’t if even Ziss will be able to bail out their lack of D though.” (Editor’s Note: what???)
“Hicks is going to score a lot of goals off Craig shots but Hicks may also score a lot of rebounds of Liams shot as well. If this team can gel they will move up the ranking fast.”
“Cherry pickers and Craig-or is it Craig and the cherry pickers? Brian Hicks might be the best backchecker on the squad, and I’m expecting them to give up a lot of goals as such. Having Craig rip shots from the point doesn’t hurt though.”
“Who TF is Harry? Unless he’s some sort of super ringer this looks like an 0-10 squad.”
“Any Given Tuesday” applies to 10 teams this season.“