Merry Pranksters (+140)
Shake ‘n Bake (-200)
Over 7.0 Goals (-120)
Under 7.0 Goals (-120)
Notes: The opening game of the season features two proud longtime franchises seemingly heading in opposite directions. The Pranksters are actually one of the longest tenured franchises in the league, having started in Summer 2023 but took the entirety of 2025 off as Gelman took a sabbatical from hockey like Moses’ nomadic wandering through the desert. But thankfully it didn’t take him 40 years to realize how much he missed scoring goals and getting roasted in writeups like this one because he’s back and last season the Pranksters were a force, bringing on Satok Maddy and Sheila and treating their fans to one of the finest seasons in franchise history. It’s a new season with a new roster but there’s a lot to like here, perhaps #1 of all being Sonj returning to the franchise and hopefully healed up from some bad injury luck. On the other hand Shake n’ Bake are looking to rebound after a few disappointing seasons by their own lofty standards. After never failing to make a final four in their history, they’ve missed two in a row and after finishing 2nd, 2nd and 1st in the regular season in their first three campaigns they’ve gone on to finish in the bottom half of the standings in three of the four seasons of 2025 & 2026. I have no idea what’s going to happen if the winning doesn’t start soon but safe to say Tommy will probably have Pete killed. I sincerely hope it doesn’t come to that, even if Pete did launch an all-out assault against hockey sticks and project residents alike two weeks ago. I do think that they’re going to be better this season, particularly with James/Nate giving them secondary scoring so Ryan doesn’t have to score literally all their goals, but I also know that Sonj is Ryan’s toughest goalie matchup because of her sound positional play and the way she seals the ice. The fact that Shake n’ Bake currently only have one girl is a bit frightening as is the fact that they need Cam to show up on time for a 6:00 game, but I’m still favoring them somewhat. Line is null and void if they have to start with an empty net, which does seem somewhat likely.
Red Day (EVEN)
Hootie & The Doug Fish (-145)
Over 7.5 Goals (-120)
Under 7.5 Goals (-120)
Notes: One of the leagues oldest franchises facing its newest as Hootie & The Doug Fish play their first ever game at home against Red Day which has been kicking around since Spring of 2023. Entering their 11th season, they’ve always been a reliable team but haven’t quite been able to get over the hump yet. This season they have another well-built squad but do seem to have structural attendance issues virtually all season as tonight they won’t have the much vaunted Weaver Bros who fans were clamoring to see regain their chemistry from 2024 when Carter won the scoring title and Player Of The Year honors. Doug Fish, meanwhile, had one of the better drafts I can remember a new franchise having and will look to build on career seasons from both Bramson and Doug along with a memorable captain performance from Hootie where he led a shorthanded Friday night pink squad of mostly subs to what was unquestionably their best defensive effort of the season. They won’t have Brooke or Joel tonight but otherwise have most of their squad and it is a surprisingly deep one. If red wins this one it’ll be because of veteran savvy; knowing how to pull out a win when you don’t have your best roster just based on experience. It wouldn’t surprise me in the slightest, but give me camo to open the season with a dub.
Shake ‘n Bake (+2.0 Goals) (EVEN)
Hockey at Glatt’s (-2.0 Goals) (-145)
Over 8.0 Goals (-120)
Under 8.0 Goals (-120)
Notes: It’s never easy to tell how new teams are going to mesh in D5 but these are two teams we now know pretty well: Pete Ryan and Tommy on one side, Glatty Everett Zuck and rookie of the year referendum participant Tony on the other. With his suspension currently held up in the appellate courts he’ll be playing this one and rumor has it his wife and co-lead counsel will be in the stands to either support him or demand that we follow through on the suspension. It’s difficult to tell which she would rather or for that matter which the Glatt’s team would rather, even if Tony was the 2nd overall pick this season and thus kind of outranks Everett, Glattman and Zuck in the team heirarchy as per their official charter. Shake n’ Bake has had some crazy personnel issues already and the season hasn’t even started yet as they drafted one of James’ Jefferies co-workers and absolutely refused to trade him to orange. And then today, apparently after seeing the power rankings, Gian decided he’d rather stay on Shake n’ Bake and chase a championship. I have no idea which of these guys are most senior but it’s clear to me that Gian is the most business of all of them and I have no doubt he has an extremely bright future both in the world of finance and in this league.
It’s honestly one of the craziest heel turns I’ve seen in a long time and I really like it. It’s enough for me to back Gian, sight unseen, as the new frontrunner for league rookie of the year. Will he be able to outscore last seasons rookie of the year winner quarterfinalist Tony? Most likely. Will they take down Glatts? I was actually set to pick them but there is one more storyline (if you can believe it) in this game whereby the Rens played the Riots on Sunday and apparently would not allow them to use Jeff Green, then mercied them despite the fact that half the team was playing wearing what can only be described as Halloween costumes and/or performance art pieces. Should that completely unrelated situation play into D5 league scheduling? Probably not. Is that literally the sole reason I scheduled this exact matchup for opening night and in the prime 7:40 timeslot? You already know the answer. 6-4 Glatts.
Show Bobs (+2.0 Goals) (-110)
Untitled Sex Team (-2.0 Goals) (-130)
Over 8.0 Goals (-120)
Under 8.0 Goals (-120)
Notes: In one corner we have the Boob Franchise, resurrected after a season on the sidelines spent wandering Mexico looking for black market plastic surgery. In the other corner we have the blue franchise who may be wandering Mexico themselves if they fail to make a final four again this season. Zisser vs Sophia in goal. Mikey vs the team he briefly played in in some of their best seasons in franchise history. There are a ton of storylines at play here but at its core it’s two teams that need to get off to a strong start; blue to prove they’re going to make a run at the cup this season after a rare off-season, black to prove that today’s power rankings which put them solidly in last and spent more time discussing breasts than the talent on the actual team were inaccurate at best and libelous at worst. There’s a lot of scoring punch on Bobs but much like the nature of large breasts themselves, the flashy appearance of the roster may be exciting but they’re not really built for running. After Harry, the 2nd fastest player on this roster may be Hicks when he has a chance at a breakaway. In last place: Hicks when he has to come back on defense. Jenn will try to lead the team to glory from the bench but that mostly consists of wine and yelling not unlike her wine nights probably do. Hicks certainly loves boobs, but I’m not sure if he’ll love them tonight. Actually he will because some things are simply bigger than hockey, but I’m still taking blue to win.
The Royal Sampler (+2.0 Goals) (-120)
Hockey at Glatt’s (-2.0 Goals) (-120)
Over 7.0 Goals (-120)
Under 7.0 Goals (-120)
Notes: The final game of the evening is a championship rematch for the people. Just a week ago these teams were playing in the longest championship game OT that we’ve ever had by far (the previous two, incredibly, both wrapped up in the first 30 seconds). Tonight, they’ll each be looking to get off to a hot start this season and for some measure of revenge: purple for losing said championship game and Glatts against Carl for creating one of the crazier GoFundMes I’ve ever seen. Purple certainly has A LOT more scoring punch tonight than they did a week ago with Jo Robin, Oskar, Pigozzi and rookie hype train Luc leading the offense while the captains group tries to hold down the defense in front of Carl. Honestly though, if he plays the way he did in last season’s playoffs they might not even need defense. I do think the Glatt’s depth is weaker than it was last season and they are going to miss Merone and Sanchick dearly but they are just such a dominant team in the top line minutes and those minutes, as you may have read, are plentiful like the boobs I spent hundreds of words opining on in the previous writeup. I think this game is going to be closer than you think as purple is likely to be far more motivated here than a Glatt’s team which could easily experience a bit of a cup hangover, particularly in their 2nd game of the night. Ultimately though, I still think they prevail. If you want an ultra anti-correlation parlay, give me purple to cover but Glatts to win. If you want a safer bet, just give me purple to cover. See ya tonight.