1) The Big Green
Average Rank: 2.00
Previous Rank: 5 (up 4)
Highest Rank: 1
Lowest Rank: 4
Standard Deviation: 1.15
1st Place Votes: 3 of 7
Comments: A highly successful last run for Jake and Co as they currently sit in first place in both the standings and these pre-final week power rankings. The franchise incredibly hasn’t won a playoff game since their Fall 2024 championship run but good chance that changes this season. You rarely get to see anyone ride off into the sunset these days but with only one loss in eight games, two of the league’s top 10 scorers and solid depth up and down the lineup, this team is already almost assured a final four berth with a strong possibility to lift the cup in two weeks.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“A team that lacks weaknesses. Top-tier talent with Emma & Shua, great depth scoring and solid D. Goalie tandem the runaway steal of the draft. Occasionally looks a bit sluggish, but talent alone makes this the clear team to beat.”
“Big green defense is legit. And they score.”
“Really tough matchup. Things that happen when a team gets 2 first rounders.”
“Jake Mo and Steve are either top of the league or dead last. But they’re proven winners because we did it a few years back when Corey’s leg went full on Fred from SpongeBob. They have a shot.”
2) Sgt. Siwash
Average Rank: 2.29
Previous Rank: 4 (up 2)
Highest Rank: 1
Lowest Rank: 3
Standard Deviation: 0.76
1st Place Votes: 1 of 7
Comments: The title defense seems to be going quite well as, a season after going 11-1 en route to a cup, they’re 5-3 and firmly in the race for top two seeding. Recreating the previous season’s team rarely goes well but they managed to do it with Lucas and Joel back in the fold along with Kittredge, Dan and Sarah giving the team much needed depth. A no doubt top three team with the potential to, incredibly, be the league’s third consecutive repeat champion.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Each loss is by 1 goal, 2 of 3 losses in overtime.”
“Finally got to play some games and looked great doing it. A slightly nerfed version of the summer’s juggernaut, this is still an incredibly solid all-around roster.”
“Goal difference speaks volumes with a game in hand on Jake. I also owe this to Mel for bailing me out of jail and Branson for answering Cardello’s phone call while I was in there.” (Editor’s Note: this was not me)
3) Sexcellence
Average Rank: 2.57
Previous Rank: 1 (down 2)
Highest Rank: 1
Lowest Rank: 5
Standard Deviation: 1.51
1st Place Votes: 2 of 7
Comments: Another strong season for the sex franchise with a 6-2 record and wins over green and camo, the two teams above them in these ranks. Consistency has been a bit elusive and this group of elite athletes will have to put it together before the playoff run. Friday’s dinner at Patrizia’s will be massive in this regard, although I don’t expect everyone to survive.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Sex is probably the best – but they need to score more. Systems and flow is best there is.”
“Plays hockey like it’s trench warfare, lobbing grenades from their own defensive zone and not advancing unless absolutely forced to. Unfortunately, it’s hard to argue with the results.”
“I wanna rank them last because #fuckfrey but Cardello answered my one phone call from a holding cell so that alone gets them ranked high. And they’re a wagon. Chad could wheel a square tire up a steep hill. Brooke Guh-ray already penciled in a championship run for November 3rd. A parlay of Blue playing Nov 3rd and good weather seems like a +EV bet.”
T4) Bruger King
Average Rank: 5.43
Previous Rank: 3 (down 1)
Highest Rank: 3
Lowest Rank: 10
Standard Deviation: 2.70
Comments: A strange season for the newly rebranded Bruger King as they rank #1 in the league in goals per game (obviously) but, despite a revamped defense, also rank #1 in goals allowed per game. Glatt’s injury hasn’t helped but it’s really the team’s collective disinterest in playing D that has contributed most to their current last place spot in the standings. And yet, the rankers have them all the way up at #4, demonstrating how much respect is still banked for the franchise that won two straight cups and still boasts two of the top players in the league. And I’m not talking about Bodner.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“They can lose all 10 games 22-9 for all I care, that still means they’re scoring more than anyone else. Assuming Glatt still has 24 intact ribs, I’m never ranking them outside my top 3.“
“Too much talent. Superman wears Everett PJs to bed. The boogeyman checks under his bed for Glatt. Get them all there for a game and they make a run. Don’t sleep on the beauts.”
“Seems you shut down Glatt and Everett, and they just suck.”
T4) The Dolly Pranksters
Average Rank: 5.43
Previous Rank: 8 (up 4)
Highest Rank: 4
Lowest Rank: 7
Standard Deviation: 0.98
Comments: Another strong season for the Pranksters as despite being ranked at a borderline insulting #8 in the preseason edition of these ranks they’re currently 3rd in the standings and thus receive a much deserve bump up to #4 in these ranks. Tie dye has never had trouble scoring with a first line featuring Gelman and Maddy but Satok’s move to D and likely insistence on drafting D has really changed the franchise from a fun one to play for to a perennial top of the standings team. Following last season’s first ever championship berth, fans are hoping to see if they can take the next step this season in what might be Jeff Green’s final season (I don’t think he’s actually leaving though, he’s too much of a sicko).
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Shocker to put them this low. I know. But I haven’t seen that dominant offensive performance just yet. Relying heavily on Jeff who’s one Michigan away from retiring and moving to Burning Man’s location full time. But RIP Dolly and great to honor her as they are the Coat of Many Colors.”
“This team can win all 10 games and I still don’t think they’d make anyone’s top 4 in the power rankings. Berky in net has been an absolute revelation.“
“What does this team have to do to get a top ranking?”
6) Revenge of the Pie Pie
Average Rank: 6.43
Previous Rank: 6 (unchanged)
Highest Rank: 4
Lowest Rank: 8
Standard Deviation: 1.51
Comments: An up-and-down season for orange as at times they’ve looked like a legit championship contender but also have suffered some brutal losses along the way. Of course, all their losses are to top teams (camo x2, green & pranks) so overreactions may be unwarranted but a strong finish against green and silver would go a long way towards proving that they’re ready for a long playoff run.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Struggled as of late, but I still think this team is really scary. Seemingly every player on this team is at least decent, and with their top end talent to boot, that’s all you can ask for and more. Would have expected more chemistry from the boys, though.“
“All these middle of the pack teams are kinda interchangeable.”
“Inconsistent but have proven they can hang if needed. Not much more to say. Other than a hurt Diz is still much better than Yehuda at full strength.“
7) Chocolate MilkMob (Sponsored by Oreos)
Average Rank: 6.57
Previous Rank: 11 (up 4)
Highest Rank: 1
Lowest Rank: 9
Standard Deviation: 2.99
1st Place Votes: 1 of 7
Comments: Amazing how little respect this team received before the season with a LAST PLACE ranking. In fact, I’m just going to cut and paste what I wrote in the preseason edition of these ranks:
“Ok, so the core of this team has had a rough couple seasons, no doubt about it. Still, I’m surprised at this ranking. True, there are a lot of whispers that Hicks cares more about Taco Bell and creative bottle service sign slogans than actually running (spoiler alert: he never much cared about that at all) or that a Milk Team can’t make it without the Milkman (a far more valid concern). There are certainly reservations to be had but I think this team will for sure outperform this ranking with a solid core of Jo, Bedsy, Horton, the leadership group and the Goalie Wild Card to boot. As long as they go to the bar after and not before games, I don’t think they’ll struggle nearly as much as everyone else seems to believe they will.”
Two months later, I think this was about spot on. There are still some warts to work out for sure but this is a very solid middle-of-the-pack team and when they have their full lineup in with their choice of any non-Campbell goalie to sub in net, they are a handful for any team. Likely to finish in the 5-7 range in the standings but a strong possibility to make a Cinderella run to the final four.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Too many games to play to judge. But they’ve got a better shot of advancing over red so…“
“Idk why I’m putting them above Pranksters, but I am.”
“Hicks finally landed on a team that plays defense. Unfortunately it’s come at a point in his career where he’s stopped running but I’m still happy for him.”
8) Cookie Monsters
Average Rank: 7.29
Previous Rank: 9 (up 1)
Highest Rank: 5
Lowest Rank: 9
Standard Deviation: 1.50
Comments: A truly interesting case here as purple is both much better than I (and many rankers) expected, but not quite so good as to jump the teams above them. On their best night, with a full roster and Carl absolutely on fire, they can beat just about anyone. But on an average night they definitely struggle to score, ranking 9th of 11 teams in goals per game. Carl’s likely going to have to put on his Superman cape once more for this team to make a deep run in the playoffs.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“All these middle of the pack teams are kinda interchangeable, higher than Orange bc of Carl.”
“You are what your record says you are. And whether that means riding Carl (pause) to championship weekend or not, they’re right there middle of the pack.“
9) The Golden Gods
Average Rank: 8.86
Previous Rank: 10 (up 1)
Highest Rank: 4
Lowest Rank: 11
Standard Deviation: 2.79
Comments: After a season that started with a string of heartbreaking one goal losses, the team pulled the pin and traded away the first round Levine/Campbell tandem (plus Metz and Cam) for Tyler, Mitch and Spreckles. Early returns have been extremely positive with two wins in four games, with the two losses coming to the top ranked green team. This franchise faces doubts every season but, perhaps rather shockingly, ranks #1 among all franchises in playoff wins in 2026 with four. Of course, I’d prefer if they didn’t require so many wins to advance past night one but it’s a team no one wants to face in the playoffs. My dark horse sleeper for multiple playoff wins on night one.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Tandems will never win.”
“Gifted the best goalie by pink.”
“The depth on this team is sneaky with one of the best d-cores in the league and multiple quality scoring lines. Now that they have Tyler, I actually think they’re good. No idea what Yehuda was thinking with that trade.”
10) Saving Private Ryan
Average Rank:Â 9.00
Previous Rank: 7 (down 3)
Highest Rank:Â 5
Lowest Rank:Â 11
Standard Deviation:Â 2.08
Comments:Â For the first time in franchise history pink went hard for defense and goaltending. The result was an incredibly lackluster 2-5 record which spurred the front office to blow it up to reunite with Levine in a bid to score more than two goals per game. They did smash silver in their first game post-trade but that’s looking increasingly like a dead cat bounce (sorry Hanna) as they got smoked by the Chocolate MilkMob in their very next game. Levine gives this team a higher ceiling, but the rest of the deal gives them a subterranean floor. Rankers (and Simon) seem displeased with the outlook. Can Ryan, Pete and Tommy recapture their former glory to lift this moribund franchise to playoff success?
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:Â
“The trade changes everything but like I said with purple you are what your record says you are. The talent is there and as we saw with the Knicks the power of friendship goes a hell of a lot further than mere talent alone. So don’t be shocked if Frey rigs the line on their chip appearance. Better be +600 or longer btw.”
“Commendable trade, and the Glatt’s win is huge for team morale. This team could do some serious damage if they get their locker room in order, but I don’t think they will..“
“Gave away the best goalie, first round defenseman questionable each game…not sure the logic.”
11) Red Bunny
Average Rank:Â 9.86
Previous Rank: 2 (down 9)
Highest Rank:Â 7
Lowest Rank:Â 11
Standard Deviation:Â 1.35
Comments:Â A brutal season for red as one of the league’s most consistent franchises is uncharacteristically leaking goals, ranking 10th of 11 teams in goals against per game with a league worst -20 goal differential. And their top forward, Kevin, is out for the season. That’s the bad news, and there’s plenty of it. The good news is that they’re coming off a stirring late night victory over their rivals in brown and there might be a certain milky individual driving a tractor from his dairy farm to give this team a much needed boost going into the playoffs. It’s like Brett Favre going to the Vikings or Chris Chelios going to the Red Wings or Jenn going to Alcoholics Anonymous. I don’t know if it’ll help them make a run, but as we’ve noted in these ranks countless times throughout the years, with Campbell in net anything is possible.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:Â
“They’re either top of the standings with a first round exit or bottom of the standings with a first round exit. They’re two things that go together like peanut butter and jelly, Mel and Cardello, and Frey and Hurricane shots.“
“Looks old and slow. Front office scoring at an all time low, and defense is leaving Campbell out to dry. Tear it down.”
“Should be better, not sure what’s going on. Might be time to move on from the Nate Lerner system.”
I plugged power ranking data along with every game result into AI and asked it to a) create a Gaussian Plot of the power rankings and b) analyze the results.
AI Power Ranking & Game Result Analysis
1. The Big Green is the undisputed heavyweight
Voters pegged BGRN as #1 (2.00 avg rank), and they have backed it up completely at 7–1 with a +14 differential. Their only blemish was a tight 4–2 loss to SEX on Sept 22. Beyond that, they have systematically rolled through the league (beating SGT 3–2, PRK 5–3, PIE 3–2, and sweeping RED).
2. Sexcellence is living on the razor’s edge
While SEX sits at 6–2 (matching their #3 ranking), their goal differential is flat at 0 (23 GF, 23 GA). They are winning close games (3–2 over COOK, 4–3 over SGT, 3–2 over PINK, 2–1 over RED), but when they slip, they get exposed (blown out 6–2 by PIE and 7–3 by COOK). They are opportunistic and clutch, but statistically vulnerable.
3. Sgt. Siwash has Tier 1 talent trapped in a Tier 2 record
Voters rated SGT at #2 (2.29), and their underlying dominance shows it: their +14 goal differential ties BGRN for best in the league (including a 9–1 dismantling of RED and 6–1 over PIE). However, they’ve dropped heartbreakers to KING (5–4), SEX (4–3), and BGRN (3–2). They are the league’s top positive-regression candidate heading into the playoffs.
4. The Dolly Pranksters broke the Gaussian model
The consensus had PRK tied at #4/5 (5.43), grouped cleanly in the mid-tier bubble. In reality, PRK has played like a Tier 1 regular: 6–3, having beaten PIE, CHOC, GOLD, PINK, and KING. Their only losses came against BGRN, SEX, and COOK. They are the primary team disrupting the neat 3-tier model.
5. Bruger King is in freefall; Cookie Monsters punch above their weight
- KING was tied with PRK at 5.43 in power rankings, but they have crashed to 2–4. Losing 7–6 to PRK and 7–5 to a bottom-tier PINK team shows their defense is bleeding high-danger chances.
- COOK, ranked down at #8 (7.29), is comfortably at .500 (4–4). Their 7–3 blowout of SEX and 3–0 shutout of PRK prove they have one of the highest single-game ceilings in the league on any given night.
6. The Cellar Reality (GOLD, PINK, RED)
Voters correctly identified the bottom tier (8.86 to 9.86):
- RED has conceded a league-worst 36 goals with a -20 differential.
- GOLD (2–7) and PINK (3–6) have occasionally stolen points off each other or caught KING sleeping, but neither has mounted a sustained threat against the top half of the table.
Immediate Schedule Outlook (Week of Oct 20)
- Bruger King’s Back-to-Back: With games against RED (6:00 PM) and GOLD (6:50 PM), KING has an immediate double-header opportunity to salvage their record and climb back toward the .500 mark.
- Playoff Seeding Battle: PRK at SEX (9:20 PM) is a massive Tier 1 vs. Top Challenger clash to determine secondary seeding behind BGRN.