Week 1 Betting Lines (Spring 2021)

Hungry Hippos (-165)
Spicy Tuna Rolls (+125)

Over 7.0 (-120)
Under 7.0 (-120)

Notes: We are less than one game into the Spring 2021 season and I am already remembering how miserable a job commissioner is as I’ve spent far too much time today scrambling to fill out rosters for tonight and not nearly enough time gambling on TSLA options. As if the beating they took in the media wasn’t bad enough, Purple is now facing a season without a full-time goalie as the robbery of our storage unit has also robbed purple of having Eitan in net. For tonight Zak Casca will be between the pipes for purple; for the season, who the hell knows. Sena and McCauley are both game time decisions but Jack and Mike T will both be present and launching rockets from all over the court at Dave GDR and the Hippos. The Hippos are missing multiple players, including first rounder Shelly, and will be using the services of Crimson Wave captain Meg for tonight. She was already planning on attending the game as a spectator to “watch Jack get his ass kicked” and now gets a chance to make that a reality. This is the matchup that both captains were demanding all of Friday night to kick off the D5 reopening although in fairness I’m surprised either one of them survived that night of fireball flipcup. They will get their wish to kick off their unprecedented three game season series tonight and even if the rosters are somewhat lacking, the spirits are not. The wild card in this matchup, as it will be for many this season, is which team can shake off the rust quicker. Both captains played some hockey on a not great Long Island team this past Fall but all I really remember of that season is a goalie that let in minimum one goal per game from behind center ice and how horrific four loko black tallboys taste. With basically no leans on how this game will go it’s probably one degenerate gamblers should stay away from so I’m expecting McQuade to submit a max bet on yellow shortly before gametime.


Green Street Hooligans (-150)
Sex Panthers (+110)

Over 6.5 (-120)
Under 6.5 (-120)

Notes: Austin is still living out west as an independently wealthy ski-bum and the Sex Panthers have three other players who won’t be present until June. That old saying about being your own worst enemy is certainly turning out to be true in my case. That said, rookie goalie Ryan Waldman has been messaging me about this season for days and will no doubt be jacked up to come out to a roaring start in his D5 debut. Green has a formidable offensive core led by Probie and Cherie along with great scoring depth in Poutine veterans Pags and Mike “The Punisher” Marron, although I’m too lazy to confirm either of them is really in for tonight. Plenty of great matchups abound but veteran goaltender and attorney deLacy vs rookie Waldman will likely tell the story on the evening. I would never advise betting against a team with as powerful a name as “Sex Panthers” so instead I’m advocating betting the under and enjoying the goalie showdown.

Best of luck to all the teams playing the reopening night. Next week we’re back to the four game extravaganzas that you know and love.

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