Week 4 Box Scores (Spring 2021)

The Goaldiggers vs Sex Panthers

1st Period:
DIG (1-0) – Mr Burns (1) (assisted by Nikki) (6:00)
SEX (1-1) – Conor (1) (PP) (assisted by Alex) (9:40)
3rd Period:
DIG (2-1) – Guido (3) (assisted by Tarnow) (9:15)
SEX (2-2) – DRo (2) (unassisted) (12:36)
SEX (3-2) – Rockoff (2) (assisted by Ryann) (0:40)

GAME NOTES: Dan “Mr” Burns served up a delicious helping of go-fuck-yourselves to the Panthers midway through the first when he scored on a scorching shot from near center ice. Quality feed from his sous-chef Nikki…Conor “Canor” Boyle tied it up just a few minutes later on the power play with an impressive goal which he batted out of the air. He celebrated with a Kreider ice scoop move that ensured he will always have a spot on my team and in my heart…the 2nd period was a blue barrage but Casca stood tall, making what felt like over 20 saves in the period. Late in the 3rd, Guido and Tarnow linked up to do their annoying chemistry thing, with a beautiful quadruple pass play to take the late lead…blue called timeout, pulled the goalie and with under 30 seconds left, a stroke of luck from the hockey gods as Guido’s clear rang off the post. DRo retrieved it, made a move and took a shot from center which found its way through all the traffic in front and went in to tie the game and send us to OT where Rockoff would score one of the great goals in D5 history, a diving slice into the top corner to give the Sex Panthers an improbable and electric comeback win. I sincerely hope he got laid on this night and every night thereafter or else there is truly no justice in this world.

3rd – Guido (1G)
2nd – DRo (1G)
1st – Rockoff (GWG)

Spicy Tuna Rolls vs Green Street Hooligans

1st Period:
GSH (1-0) – Probie (7) (unassisted) (0:49)
2nd Period:
GSH (2-0) – Probie (8) (assisted by Uncle Glanzer) (2:25)
TUN (1-2) – Annie (1) (assisted by Jack) (4:23)
3rd Period:
TUN (2-2) – Vanessa (1) (unassisted) (5:24)
TUN (3-2) – Kev (1) (assisted by Sena) (3:36)

GAME NOTES: That’s right…a surprise ending to the last box score, highlights are back by popular demand (mostly by me). In unrelated news, dues are going up by 3000% next season…This game started off on a typically angry note as Angry Probert scored a very angry goal less than a minute in. Unfortunately the stream was apparently angry as well and missed it so the highlight below is of his slightly less angry but still impressive 2nd goal…Ben has now scored 5 of the last 6 Hooligans goals and is approaching Meatbox territory with 8 goals and 0 assists on the season. He may be a selfish player but he is clearly not a selfish lover as the man got engaged last weekend. Congrats!…the field hockey skills of purple were not to be denied this week as Annie got the Tunas on the board just two minutes after Probie’s 2nd. Then in the 3rd, a truly electric moment as Bajko made Riegler proud and potted her first career goal to tie the game…in OT green had a power-play but the purple PK was superb. Near the end, a sliding play by Sena “Judge” Ito got the ball deep where Kev retrieved it and buried an impressive wraparound to seal the victory for purple as they maintain their hold on first place in the standings and Jack maintains his hold on most games using a 1st round goalie sub.

3rd – Vanessa (1G)
2nd – Probie (2G)
1st – Kev (GWG)

Hungry Hippos vs The Goaldiggers

1st Period:
HIP (1-0) – Skinny Braun (4) (assisted by Ben McCloskey) (2:45)
2nd Period:
DIG (1-1) – Guido (4) (assisted by Tarnow) (5:08)
HIP (2-1) – Skinnier Braun (5) (assisted by Meatbox) (7:22)
HIP (3-1) – Even Skinnier Braun (6) (assisted by Josh) (9:12)
HIP (4-1) – Josh (1) (assisted by Russo) (11:00)
3rd Period:
DIG (2-4) – Mr Burns (2) (unassisted) (0:20)
HIP (5-2) – Skinniest Braun (7) (EN) (assisted by Russo) (11:24)

GAME NOTES: The 2nd game of the evening for the Goaldiggers turned into the Skinny Braun show as he tied a league record with four goals in the game, vaulting him to 2nd in the scoring race even though he’s played two less games than the angry one…Guido scored yet another goal to move into 3rd in the scoring list. It will surprise exactly zero people to know that this goal was also assisted by Tarnow…Burns and Wagner scored too, and Friedman put up a great performance in net that netted me a ton of complaints but seriously, four goals in a game. If only more people dated Jenna, this countries weight issues could be solved overnight (although Braun would presumably be very sad).

3rd – Steve Friedman (2 GA)
2nd – Josh Wagner (1G, 1A)
1st – Braun (4G)

Crimson Wave vs My Cup Size Is Stanley

1st Period:
CUP (1-0) – Neil (5) (assisted by Hogg) (5:00)
WAV (1-1) – Sanchick (1) (assisted by Matt Stabel) (7:02)
CUP (2-1) – Neil (6) (assisted by Hogg) (11:10)
2nd Period:
WAV (2-2) – Meg (1) (assisted by Matt Stabel) (12:46)
3rd Period:
CUP (3-2) – Joe Moskowitz (1) (unassisted) (2:01)
WAV (3-3) – Meg (2) (assisted by ChooChoo) (5:50)
CUP (4-3) – Hogg (1) (unassisted) (2:48)

GAME NOTES: The final game of the evening pitted the first in points-per-game Cup Size vs the Wave who have played better every week but still search for that elusive first win. In the first Neil scored two goals, both assisted by Hogg who is going for the record for fastest recovery from a knee injury in history…Meg scored a fancy, borderline sex goal as she parked herself in front and scored a no-look goal to tie the game at 2. After Joe “Max’s Brother” Moskowitz scored his first career D5 goal to take back the lead, Meg tied it up again with 7 minutes left…the last few minutes of regulation were a Wave barrage but Max “Joe’s Brother” Moskowitz once again demonstrated why he was the #1 overall pick, sending the game to OT where a Hogg partial breakaway rebound sealed the deal for black and gave them their 3rd win of the season. The Wave will play a doubleheader next week (aka tonight) (aka July 6 FML) while Cup Size will face the steroid crew known as the Hippos.

3rd – Neil (2G)
2nd – Meg (2G)
1st – Hogg (1G, 2A)

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