Hungry Hippos (-130)
Orange Royals (-110)
Over 6.5 (-120)
Under 6.5 (-120)
Notes: Short previews today as I’m tired and SPY is currently bugging out. The Hippos are going into this one missing Jason, Kevin, Dewey, Tony and possibly Tracey, the league’s first and best webmaster (sorry Jenn). And of course, 1st overall pick Jeff Green who will continue to have sex in a van in Europe til further notice. The Royals haven’t told me who they’re missing nor do they seem to need subs so I’m assuming it’s a mostly full roster for this one. Have to also assume their goalie, Zisser, wishes he was in Europe having sex in a van but alas, he will instead by having sex in his net…by himself…and livestreamed to the D5 Facebook Group. What a time to be alive. In any case, while Hicks is amped up for this one (he’s been sending me Red Wedding memes for hours), he also has an early flight in the morning and may not be as drugged up as usual. I think this is going to be a tight matchup but while the Royals have played much better as of late, the Hippos are motivated for this one, including sub goalie Waldman who volunteered for this spot so he could prep for his 7:30 showdown with The Barrel. Take the Hippos to squeak one out against the rapidly improving Royals whose goalie clearly has his priorities straight.
The Barrel (-120)
The Sexy Ducks (-120)
Over 7.0 (-125)
Under 7.0 (-115)
Notes: For much of the season these two teams have been blowing their opponents out. The Barrel are undefeated and sport a +18 goal differential in 6 games played, having most recently come off a 6-1 win over the Goaldiggers where they didn’t even have Jack. The Ducks, meanwhile, were the preseason title favorite but most expected them to hover around .500 while waiting for Meg & McCauley to come back from injury and with new Florida resident Ariel playing sparingly. Instead, after a tight 5-3 season opening loss to the Goaldiggers the Ducks have reeled off 4 straight wins to sport a +16 goal differential in 5 games played, most recently also rocking a 6-1 win on Tuesday. Tonight the Ducks will again be suffering some personnel losses as Meg, Kelsey, McCauley, Sully, Chris and Kevin are all out. Andrea’s dreams of being onto the blue team will come true, at least for one night, as she subs in on D and rounds out a still formidable squad of Ariel, Mikey, Rockoff, Alex (aka me), Matt Stabel and current rookie of the year frontrunner Sam. This is without question the most highly anticipated game of the season so far. The Barrel are 1st in goals per game and 3rd in goals against while the Ducks are 2nd in goals per game and 1st in goals against. Derek vs Sam is the showdown that the people are clamoring to see but the goaltending battle of Ryan vs Chris B is likely what will decide the game. This game feels like a true coinflip and while I’ve been picking blue to win every week with only a hint of bias, for this one I’m going to slam the over in what should be a fast paced and wide open contest.
My Cup Size Is Stanley (-130)
Frothing Hyenas (-110)
Over 7.5 (-130)
Under 7.5 (-110)
Notes: The Hyenas won’t have Braun or Danilo in the lineup but Kev is in this week along with Metz, Riegler, Lerner, Thorpe and Hilary. Cup Size currently has a lineup featuring ScottyK, Brad, Goose, Jeff, Nicole H, Sammi and Ryann. Both teams will be raiding the sub cabinet (aka the stands) for this game but without question the most exciting of the subs is the return of the Jackuum in net as he will be in for Cup Size. If he wins the game he will no doubt channel his best Captain Phillips meme and tell Jenn “look at me…I’m the ringer now.” Malik will likely be in for Cup Size as well so he and Ryann can make out on the bench but otherwise it’s totally up in the air. Seasoned D5 preview readers (aka degenerates) no doubt know what’s coming – that’s right, it’s the McQuade special of the week. Literally have no idea who 30% of the people in this game will be and Jack is subbing in goal in between two games at forward. Probably shouldn’t bet on this one but knowing this crowd, someone definitely will.
Green Street Hooligans (-130)
The Barrel (-110)
Over 7.0 (-120)
Under 7.0 (-120)
Notes: The final game of the night sees a rematch of the controversial OT game which ended with Jack’s parents stone-colding beers to celebrate a slapshot winner that was almost definitely a slightly high windup. As you can imagine, the Hooligans haven’t forgotten.
These two teams were not slated to play again this season but thanks to record low attendance/enthusiasm by the Goaldiggers (they had 3 total people ready to go tonight), the Hooligans get their shot at redemption. They are rocking a mostly full squad and with the Barrel not just having a tough game vs the Ducks at 7:30 but Jack also playing in goal at 8:30, I am installing the Hooligans as a slight favorite in this one and betting on Probert’s anger to get him at least one goal, if not three, and hopefully zero assists. Also with scoring exploding this season all over D5 and the most recent game between these teams ending 5-4, I’m taking the over on the 7 goal over/under.
BONUS LINE:
Net Goals Scored By/Against Jack Tonight
Over 0 (-105)
Under 0 (-135)
Jack has specifically requested this line and being the accommodating/enabling hockey league that we are, we will give it to him. This line is the total goals scored by Jack in the 7:30 and 9:30 games minus the goals that he gives up in goal at 8:30. He’s currently 5th in stats but only has two goals on the season, not exactly inspiring confident for the over (which, it should be noted, he thought should be 1 but is more reasonably priced at 0 or a negative number). He’s also going to see Cash Cash at Marquee tonight so he’ll be drinking in between games, though since he’s playing every game after 6:30 his time between games is around two minutes. I told him if he does a 4 in 15 during his game in net I will make him the first induction into the D5 Hall Of Game. He will also most likely be thrown out of Marquee. In any case, let’s hope The Barrel makes an appearance tonight (and I’m not just talking about the hockey team).
