The Goaldiggers (-135)
Hungry Hippos (-105)
Over 7.5 (-120)
Under 7.5 (-120)
Notes: I should warn you ahead of time that half of tonight’s games are going to be a total shitshow with player absences all over the place. I don’t know if these people got covid or cancelled but whatever it is, it’s a night of wild card gambling. That said this was one of the few games involving teams that didn’t ask me to furnish them half a roster as to my knowledge this game will be played with no subs. The Goaldiggers are coming off a resounding 8-1 victory over the Hyenas which would make the Hyenas sad if they could’ve seen any of the goals. Unfortunately because we play next door to a housing project and on the border of Spanish Harlem (which isn’t nearly as glamorous as Carlos Santana made it out to be in that song), two of the four lights were out because locals have been breaking in and siphoning gas from them. I would say this is a shocking development but we also had an aggressive can lady come on the rink mid-game a month ago and Facebook Inc is now known as Meta Platforms so who can really say what passes for weird these days. Anyways, the Hippos will be ready to resume their push for the #4 seed and will be dressing Hogg in net again, fresh off an impressive PTO contract performance on Tuesday night. It was in fact so good that multiple people questioned if Hogg was a fair goalie sub despite the fact that the Hippos took Jeff Green, the league’s all time GAA leader, with the 1st overall pick. The Goaldiggers may have a slight edge in this one but with Casca coming off illness, Izzy questionable and the Hippos looking rejuvenated lately, this is a closer matchup than it might appear. In a rare and glorious game with no subs, I’m taking the Hippos as the upset special of the night.
Green Street Hooligans (-130)
My Cup Size Is Stanley (-130)
Over 10.0 (-140)
Under 10.0 (EVEN)
Notes: In contrast to the above game, this one is a complete fucking disaster, as Seb would undoubtedly say if he knew Jack was in goal for the green team.
Green is going to rock a roster for this one comprised of Nestor, Rickard, Auston Lyons, Tom and whatever female players I can scrounge from the previous game and from the nearby projects. Cup Size is doing slightly better but still does not make me happy as Jenn has been busy at work responding to sexual allegations against Portnoy and probably herself as well. Waldman will be in net for Cup Size but otherwise they currently have Jenn, Brad, Sammi, Nicole, Ryann, Goose and Paul. Dan Burns will prob find his way into this game somehow, maybe Malik too…also a strong chance that this game will be played 4 on 4 which makes the over/under incredibly difficult to handicap. Personally, I just hope we have lights.
The Sexy Ducks (-120)
Hungry Hippos (-120)
Over 7.5 (-120)
Under 7.5 (-120)
Notes: The 2nd and final preworkout bowl of the season commences in primetime and it is an absolute coinflip. After escaping with a 6-5 shootout win the last time these teams played, the Ducks go into this one without Sam, Ariel and probably McCauley (small chance he is able to make it in time from the airport but who knows). Hippos should have pretty much everyone in with only Shirtless Rob and Reape, probably shirted, on the injury report. Ducks were all set to be favored in this one but with Sam/Ariel/probably McCauley out and Hogg looking like a brick wall made up of facial hair and possibly illegal goalie pads, this game is a complete toss-up. I would generally take the under in this game but the one a couple weeks ago was 6-5 so it’s trapper than it seems. Might as well throw in some props.
BONUS LINES
Who Will Score More Points Tonight?
Meg (-120)
Cheeky (-120)
Who Will Score More Points Tonight?
Alex + Sully (-110)
Meatbox + J Exotic (-130)
The Goaldiggers (-140)
Frothing Hyenas (EVEN)
Over 8.5 (-135)
Under 8.5 (-105)
Notes: The Goaldiggers and Hyenas will finish their season series with the white team winning 8-1 this past Tuesday and 3-2 earlier in the season. The Hyenas have Danilo, Riegler, Metz, Ashley, Vanessa and Dave GDR in and will otherwise be using an array of subs ranging from middle aged dudes with grey hair/no hair to a high school style couple. Creed is back in town and claims to be in worse shape than ever. Burns will stick around from the 7:30 game because I’m starting to doubt if this move to the west coast is even a real thing anymore. Ryann and Malik are just generally down for anything both on and off the court. Facing a mostly full Goaldiggers team, a win would be difficult but not completely unheard of. Danilo is going to have to be smoother than even in shutting down his teammates from last season while Creed does his best not to shit his pants. Should be a fun one. Adult diapers on the house.
BONUS LINES
Who Will Score More Points Tonight?
Guido + Tarnow (-120)
Metz + Riegler + Danilo + Burns (-120)
Will Anyone Shit Their Pants In This Game?
Yes (+2000)
No (-5000)
Green Street Hooligans (-120)
Frothing Hyenas (-120)
Over 10.5 (-175)
Under 10.5 (+125)
Notes: This game is the wildest of wildcards: green has their four guys from earlier in the night plus AK coming in for the late one but for some reason not playing the early one. Very good chance this game ends up being played at 4 on 4. Jackuum and Dave GDR in net; rest is all up in the air. This game couldn’t be more of a McQuade special if it kissed a blackjack dealer. Whatever the over is, I am probably taking it.