Week 14 Betting Lines (Summer/Fall 2021)

Orange Royals (-135)
My Cup Size Is Stanley (-105)

Over 7.5 (-110)
Under 7.5 (-130)

Notes: In the first D5 game in what feels like months but is somehow actually only 11 days, the Royals will travel to Cup Size Stadium in a crucial match for standings positioning. Orange badly needs a win to maintain their hold on 4th place and the first round bye that comes with it. With a regulation win, Cup Size would pull to only two points back of them and with a game in hand. Of course, both teams will have to fend off the unwelcome advances of the Hooligans and Hippos with Probert and Hicks both in serious danger of getting me too’d if they don’t chill. The Royals will have to win without Cherie who is out of town for this one; Andrea will be subbing in her place and hoping to deal a devastating blow to Jenn’s boobs. Even in the highest scoring season in history, I’m expecting a surprisingly low scoring game here, and not just because Orange is replacing an elite offensive female talent with an elite defensive female talent. I have no idea who will win but I’d expect it to end something like 4-2. Rare contrarian under, book it.

Mel will be ready…for what I have no idea

The Sexy Ducks (-120)
The Goaldiggers (-120)
Over 8.0 (-125)
Under 8.0 (-115)

Notes: Another crucial matchup for standings as this game could determine who gets the #2 seed and thus a direct bye into the final four. White won the first matchup between these teams in the season opener but blue had maybe half the roster playing…tonight Ducks won’t have Sully, Ariel or McCauley which makes tonight still the absolute fullest roster they’ve iced all season. Ironically everyone was in for last week which would have been glorious…brutal. In any case, a win by the Goaldiggers would make them close to 90% to get the #2 seed while a regulation win by the Ducks would make it close to a 60/40 affair (still in favor of the Goal Diggers, damnit). Guido has been scoring at an almost two per game clip while Sam is on a mission to be the first player to break three points per game over the course of a full season since the inaugual Spring 2018 season which was only 6 games and saw Probert and Avery each average over 3 PPG. Trap games normally involve uncertain or downright bad teams, but this one is just difficult to handicap. League sportsbook as been on record all season installing the Ducks as the cup favorites but that’s championship only; meanwhile Barrel is the new favorite and the Goaldiggers have more standings points per game. Casca being a last minute scratch and Zisser subbing in for white in net adds even more uncertainty to this one. I’m completely staying away from this one, at least in the sense of gambling. I will for sure be there with magnum condoms and a wad of 100s.

The Sexy Ducks (-120)
Frothing Hyenas (-120)
Over 8.5 (-145)
Under 8.5 (EVEN)

Notes: There is 7:17 remaining in this game with the Hyenas clinging to a 4-3 lead. This game started on September 21 with the Hyenas scoring four goals in a five minute span of the 2nd period. Before the 3rd Oberg and Wagner shouted live bets on blue from the stands and were able to secure +150 (I think), a price which seems pretty solid now that the game is basically a coinflip with red coming into this one somewhat short. They will have the slight edge of facing a blue team that will have just played a full game (and a tough one at that), but I have to handicap this as a complete coin flip. The over/under offers some interesting opportunities for arbitrage: if you think blue will win but want a slight hedge, you could take the over because any blue win will automatically hit this total while also encompassing any red win in overtime or even 6-3 with an empty netter or two. This is like those super turbo poker tournaments where blinds increase every 3 minutes or lightning chess matches with one minute per player: you’re betting on 7:17 of hockey because you have issues. That said, I have issues too and I would hammer the over.

Hungry Hippos (-125)
My Cup Size Is Stanley (-115)
Over 7.5 (-120)
Under 7.5

Notes: With Jeff Green still rocking vans across Europe (technically one van, I think), Hogg is stepping in as a goaltending replacement today. Around the same time that Adam Fox was signing a glorious 7 year extension with the Rangers, Hogg was getting a tour of Hippo facilities where he last played in 2019 and inking a PTO to play tonight and potentially take the starting job for rest of season, rest of season being another two weeks. No word on what sort of influence LJ had on this signing but safe to say it was considerable and there will be a full league investigation into the matter. Black will be playing their 2nd game of the evening but with an hour and 15 minutes in between and more likely, from the way these games seem to go, over an hour and a half between games they should be pretty fresh. The last two times these teams met Cup Size won 2-0 on the strength of a wild Max game, among the best I’ve ever seen. He will have to be similarly heroic tonight if they’re going to beat a Hippos team that is desperately chasing the same #4 seed as they are. I think the Hippos match up well against Cup Size and with their secret weapon, newfound hippie Richard Dewey, and a highly motivated Canadian goalie on a tryout, they should be able to win this game and keep the heat on orange and green for the 4 seed.

This could easily belong to either Jeff Green or Richard Dewey – take your pick

Frothing Hyenas (+130)
The Goaldiggers (-170)
Over 8.5 (-125)
Under 8.5 (-115)

Notes: Both teams will be playing this game after playing the Ducks earlier in the evening. Red still has a roster in flux at press time while the Goaldiggers will be using Corey for this one. The last time these teams played it was a super tight game with Guido, Tarnow & Co just barely escaping with a 3-2 win. I think this game could similarly be tight although if white loses to blue earlier in the evening they might be extra motivated for this one. Then again, one could say the same about red, and it must be said that the last time red played they notched their first victory of the season against their archrival orange team. Late games anecdotally feel like they’re higher scoring but the only bet I would even consider here would be on the under and that is pretty dangerous this season. Or maybe I just have no idea who’s good in this league anymore since we haven’t played in so long, idk. Under it is.

Corey’s drinking was so impressive it forced Mike Warren to move to DC

Sexy Ducks (-155)
Green Street Hooligans (+115)
Over 8.0 (-130)

Under 8.0 (-110)

This week’s west coast game sees these teams face off for the 3rd time this season which each teams sporting one victory. Last time these two teams played things got a little, shall we say, contentious at the end but with this game taking place after many of your bedtimes and notorious league goon Probert out, I’m not expecting many fireworks except in the goal scoring department, where I am expecting a lot of them. Both goalies are great but a late game between two offensively minded teams is kind of electric. While in-person attendance is not expected to be super high on a school night, we are definitely expecting record viewership for the livestream and have already sold ad space to various gambling sites and Magnum brand condoms. Without Probie and Pags (allegedly), green’s prospects take a big hit but they’ll still have AK and presumably most of their roster considering I haven’t been asked to furnish any subs. Green’s won a fair amount of games without Probie this season…but I don’t think they’ll win this one. 5-3 blue as Hicks cheers wildly from his bed with $50 worth of Taco Bell and an understandably confused wife.

Only $50 on Wayfair, really not a bad value at all

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