Week 3 Betting Lines (Spring 2022)


Green Street Hooligans (+105)
The Blue Balls Of Sex (-150)
Over 9.0 (-120)
Under 9.0 (-120)

Notes: The weather might be unseasonably cold for late March (especially considering it’s supposed to hit 70 later in the week) but the action is hotter than Zisser’s nose after five days in Vegas next week. This game sees a rematch of week one’s matchup which was won 6-4 by blue. In that one they were missing Sully, Sig, Campbell and Garrett; this time around, blue will be without the services of Sig, Zach and most likely Ariel, but will see the rookie debut of Garrett coming in hot from San Francisco. In addition, with Jacob the goalie out due to an engagement party and Probert having the utmost respect for the Jackuum’s glove (or so Jackuum tells me), blue will be utilizing the services of the ever-elusive Meguum. That’s right, two and a half years after her most recent goaltending appearance (which kicked off the era of top league scorers randomly moonlighting as goalies), she is back to defend the honor of the team with whom she won the championship last season. Of course, she only received this slot by lying to me last night and saying that Caitlin had requested her in net for her birthday (which is today), only for Caitlin to wake up at 2 AM and inform me that this was a total fabrication. Unfortunately for fans of truth and justice everywhere, Meg’s lies will pay off here and she is indeed getting the start, a development which promises to kick off a whole new wave of bizarre player-goalie subs. With Max already appearing on Friday’s injury report (even though he’s playing tonight), AK is already throwing all sorts of shade at Jack to play in net, as he did to me several years ago.

Of course, when he finally did get to make a 1st period appearance in net for purple, it did not go particularly well for him.

To be fair though, Jack’s defense didn’t do him many favors.

Anyways, this is very much one of those classic McQuade specials where I feel like no one knows what the hell is going on. Green won’t have Nasty Nate but otherwise ices a full lineup (Otis Charlotte now late GTDs but I’d expect both to play) while blue would generally be favored but is missing a bunch of people and playing the enigmatic and deceptive Meguum in net. Also Glanzer is out for green which improves their winning percentage slightly. Idk what to say here except win or lose, I’m funneling some whiteclaws in the scorers box after this game. Feel free to join.

Most Points In Tonight’s Game

Sam (-140)
Probert (EVEN)

Most Points In Tonight’s Game
Sam + Alex (-120)
Probert + Westley (-120)

Will This Game Feature A Shutout Or OT?
Yes (+450)
No (-900)

1st Period Goals
Over 2.5 (-140)
Under 2.5 (EVEN)

East River Kraken (-280)
My Cup Size Is Stanley (+200)
East River Kraken (-2.0 Goals) (-110)
My Cup Size Is Stanley (+2.0 Goals) (-130)
Over 8.5 (-130)
Under 8.5 (-110)

Notes: This is another tough game to prognosticate as the Kraken have only played one game thus far, which they were controlling until running out of gas in the 3rd, while Cup Size is 0-2 but actually looked pretty good last week in holding a 1-0 lead on orange at the end of the first and generally looking far more cohesive than they did in week one. The Kraken will be missing a few guys, not exactly sure who as Braun’s texts are fairly cryptic while Cup Size will be missing Jeff, Dave GDR and of course Dave “The Ghost Of D5” Melnyk (not to be confused with Lily “Ghosting Braun” Santonelli). Melnyk will (likely) be replaced by a random dude tonight on a PTO contract. If he does well, he will be added to the roster; if he does not, Cherie and I will likely never speak to him again. Of course, while he said he was in as of last Thursday he has not responded to texts today and if they have to play short again, the Kraken might fully be released, leading to yet another saggy evening at Cup Size Stadium and possible riots outside of the arena. In net, at least, black will be in good shape as The Jackuum will be psyched, as he usually is, to start in this one and he will face off against his Barrel goalie from last season, Chris B. The Kraken have one of the best D cores in the league and should be able to keep things relatively civil in front of Chris; will black’s D (henceforth known as the BBC) be able to do the same? Much will depend on whether sub Greg shows up and whether he’s ringer or washed. For black’s sake, I hope he’s really good, but I’m still taking a mostly full-strength Kraken to cover the spread.

Most Points In Tonight’s Game

Braun (-165)
Sean (+120)

Most Points In Tonight’s Game
Braun + Jared + Danilo (-145)
Sean + Cherie + Shelly (EVEN)

Will This Game Feature A Shutout Or OT?
Yes (+350)
No (-700)

1st Period Goals
Over 2.5 (-105)
Under 2.5 (-135)

Royals (-120)
The Goaldiggers (-120)
Over 7.5 (-110)
Under 7.5 (-130)

Notes: The marquee matchup of the evening and easily the most normal game of the night sees a good old fashioned matchup between two elite teams with their top players in tow tonight competing to keep their undefeated records alive. BORING! Where’s the sub drama, the stunt casting in net or the blood feuds from years gone by (more on that later)? D5 fans will have no choice but to make due with what appears to be the most evenly matched and in some ways best of the evening (if your definition of best is top quality of actual hockey and not top quality of drama, alcoholism and occasional death threats). Both teams picked up impressive victories last week and while Hogg in net is legitimately twice the size of Zisser, Zisser gets a good amount of utility from what size he does have (in net and other areas of his life) and looked solid in only giving up two goals in last week’s win. Of course, Hogg only gave up one and currently sits atop the GAA list as white picked up a win without Tarnow or Guido picking up a single point. I know this because neither of them emailed me all week to tell me that I missed writing down one of their tallies. Anyways, Derek will continue to be amped up to give everyone in the league a big fuck you for letting him slip to 7th overall in the draft (something he has made abundantly clear to me in a series of increasingly hostile texts) while Meg didn’t score last week and, assuming she isn’t overexerted from her return to the crease at 6:30, she’ll be amped up to defend her three seasons running ladies scoring title. This is a brutally difficult game to handicap; I think white’s top four may be the best in the league while orange has the edge when it comes to depth. I picked orange as the title frontrunners before the season but objectively speaking, white looked more impressive last week. I couldn’t fault anyone for taking either side of this matchup but for me, it’s unders and Derek props only.

Most Points In Tonight’s Game

Derek (-135)
Guido (-105)

Most Points In Tonight’s Game
Derek + Meg + Scotty (-105)
Guido + Tarnow + Miles (-135)

Will This Game Feature A Shutout Or OT?
Yes (+450)
No (-900)

1st Period Goals
Over 2.0 (-120)
Under 2.0 (-120)

The Grapes (-120)
Hungry Hippos (-120)
Over 7.0 (-140)
Under 7.0 ( EVEN)

Notes: We live in a surreal world where interactions like this are shared with the world and former presidents issue official statements about how they recently got a hole in one. In such uncertain times its important to make like Desmond Hume and have a constant in your life, be it a loved one or a legendary rec league rivalry. Well, if you’ve got no one to love you, boy do I have a treat for you as this week will mark the latest chapter in the purple-yellow feud that goes back several years since before many of you were sexually active. Let’s take a look at some great moments in this storied rivalry:

Spring 2019: Purple Parrots take a 3-0 lead over the Hippos in the semifinals only to see yellow mount a furious rally and score five unanswered to win 5-3 and make it to their 2nd straight finals, where they would fall to The Goonies.
Summer 2019: Cleveland Monsters get a measure of revenge for their fallen Temple brethren as they knock the short lived RONKONKOMA CONDO’S out of the playoffs. Hicks vows to never name a team after a Glanzer real estate purchase again.
Fall 2019: Purple is monstrously hyped before the draft but ends up being the worst team in the league by a pretty considerable margin. Yellow shows no mercy in taking both regular season matchups by an aggregate score of 12-2.
Spring 2020: These teams did not play each other week one but looked to be two of the top title contenders. As a result, a global pandemic hit and we had to cancel the season entirely.
Spring 2021: Learning our lesson from the previous spring, Tunas are scheduled to open the season against the Hippos and do so in the first game in league history that features both teams starting with six skaters and empty nets, as both goalies have trouble adjusting to their post-zoom lives and are super late. Amazingly, only one goal is scored on the double empty nets, by Mike T who tells me that his shot was so good it would’ve gone in even with a goalie. Game is tied 3-3 late before Tunas bury one with 13 seconds left to win the first game of the return-to-play season. They follow that up with a 4-1 win in a game featuring a touching tribute to Jack’s father before the Hippos take the final meeting in Minigame Madness. This season also featured basically nonstop lobbying by Hicks/Jack to turn their three game season series into a winner-take-all whereby whomever won the series received 9 points and the loser received zero. They referred to this by a name which I will not mention here because I don’t want them to get canceled (yet).
Summer/Fall 2021: Barrel beat the Hippos 4-3 in the game where Jack guaranteed a “pounding.” They win the next matchup just four days later 7-1 so I guess he was just a little premature there; as with Zisser, hockey imitates life. Then, in the final game of the season, a shocker as the Hippos smoke Barrel 8-3 to deny them the #1 seed they had held for the entire season, dropping them to #2. Could things have fallen differently in the playoffs with Barrel at #1? Probably not, but you never know.

And now, finally, we come to tonight. Hippos will be without Fullam and Joe P with Jaimie and DRo as GTDs while Kelsey will be subbing for purple in place of Hilary and Liz. However, she will also have been drinking IPAs for Caitlins birthday and smoking whatever my peer pressure can convince her to smoke for over two hours between games so TBD on what kind of coherence she actually brings to this one. Hicks on the other hand will be in the zone as he’s been up since probably 5 AM getting ready for this one and sent me this meme before I even got my first cup of tea in.

Which was clearly in reference to this

Before we continue, this feels as good a time as any to ask what the hell was going on with this play last week.

Anywho, with Meatbox promising me a linebrawl between him and Andrea vs Jack and AK (odds definitely favor Hicks and Andrea) and Jack promising a possible lightning bet-style situation whereby he will bong one beer for each goal he loses by, two for each empty netter, the stage is truly set for a wild game. It’s unfortunate that temps will be in the mid 30s for puck drop because could legitimately see anything happening here. I just hope no one gets killed because that would be a ton of paperwork and we don’t have insurance for that kinda thing. Assuming no capital crimes are committed tonight, I think purple does just enough to pull out a win and force Hicks to bodyslam Austin through a table after the game. Possibly during. Who knows what will happen.

Most Points In Tonight’s Game

Jack (-105)
Hicks (-135)

Most Points In Tonight’s Game
Jack + AK (-125)
Hicks + Neil (-115)

Will This Game Feature A Shutout Or OT?
Yes (+330)
No (-550)

1st Period Goals
Over 2.0 (-125)
Under 2.0 (-115)

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