Week 1 Betting Lines (Fall 2022)

Julie’s Football Club (-155)
Shooting Blancs (+115)

Over 5.5 (-120)
Under 5.5 (-120)

Notes: Time to throw down some truly half-assed previews, half-assed less because I’m lazy (although that is often true) and more because in the first game of a D5 season you truly have no idea what you’re going to get from these newly drafted teams with no background and no pre-set chemistry. Here we have ostensibly the defending champions in orange (except they’re only returning 3 players from last year’s team) against the newly formed white team drafted by Simon & McCauley. Jeff Green will be subbing for Simon while Julie will be missing a bunch of players and is so desperate that she has me subbing in. Tough times for the football club but probably still enough to pull out an opening day dub.

The Muskies (-135)
Red Rockets (-105)

Over 5.5 (-135)
Under 5.5 (-105)

Notes: Purple’s got Jacob from his active roster subbing in net but otherwise should have most of his players in (or at least hasn’t told me otherwise). Red hasn’t reported any absences but I wasn’t a huge fan of some of their picks which seemed like they came from the heart. People call me heartless all the time and I choose to take it as a compliment. Today, I’m calling Jack heartless and picking his team to win.

My Cup Size Is Stanley (-155)
MelRose Place (+115)

Over 5.5 (-120)
Under 5.5 (-120)

Notes: Jenn’s got Jeff Green subbing in net for AJ and already pissed off yellow when she inexplicably wrote out their name as “MelRose Plaqce” at the season opening party. MelRose hasn’t reported any absences and seems to have a solid lineup coming but Jason Campbell and Amit are flight risks at any given moment. Additionally there was some controversy when DRo went swinging for the fences and took a French-sounding guy named Luc in the 5th round, thinking he’d be the 2nd coming of Luc Robitaille. Sadly the guy confirmed to me via email that he hasn’t held a hockey stick “since the advent of the camera” which is an especially bad sign because it would mean he hasn’t played since 1816, which is about the time that Les Miserables took place (the superior 1st half that is; the inferior 2nd half took place in the 1830s). This game will also feature the D5 debut of Ridzik, aka McQuade’s high school goalie who loves to gamble and once begged me to play high stakes guts with him in James’ basement on the 4th of July (who could say no to that). I think he’s going to be good but I still think black might have too much boob for MelRose to handle. Favoring Jenn’s team is not a road I often like to go down but alas, I’m afraid I have no choice. Cup Size for the win. Hicksyyyyyyyyyy (said in hammered Jenn voice).

Pinky Swear $#*! (-110)
YeHooligan’s Heroes (-130)

Over 5.5 (-120)
Under 5.5 (-120)

Notes: Jess is out for Pink after suffering a freak injury during last season’s playoffs (somehow only a week ago) and green will have a sub goalie in. Jeff Green will be playing his 3rd game of the night but his body can function in just about any state and he should have ample drugs at the ready just in case. Probably the trickiest game of the night to handicap so it’s a near toss-up but slight edge to green in Yehuda’s captaining debut with one of the finest logos in league history. On a side note, I’ve known Jenn for 6 years and the past week has truly seen two of her finest moments, one taking place at the end of season party (if you know you know) and the other being the creation of this fine logo. God bless and see you all, jews and goys alike, tonight.

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