I guess we should start this by saying happy birthday to Meg even though she left us to move to the west coast and half of you don’t even know who the hell she is. Still, the other day she sent me this vintage 2019 video that was clearly taken mid-power hour at the patio and all I can say is I don’t know whether I should be scared or aroused. In this league, the answer is usually both.
EJ Entertainment (+105)
Shooting Blancs (-145)
Over 5.5 (-110)
Under 5.5 (-130)
Notes: Tonight is a historic evening in D5 history as the league welcomes the premier of EJ Entertainment. What is EJ Entertainment, those among you who consider yourselves respectable people might ask? Watch this two minute clip and, if you’re at the office, consider using headphones.
Truly remarkable stuff. The operations team will be headed by Team CEO Alex Frey, aka me, and I for one could not be more thrilled for this upcoming season which holds the promise of at least 60% more league sex, all charged to Jenn’s AmEx (not the first sex related charge they’ve handled on that account I’m sure). Reaction from others around the business community was mixed. Jess no doubt gave the opening ribbon cutting a hearty eye-roll while Hicks was heard to remark “how the hell am I not on this team.” Team CFO Sam was the only person who knew what EJ Entertainment was without me first sending the clip and while he is no doubt elated to be back on blue, Page Six reports he was overheard at Acme wondering how the hell he went from MIT Business School to second in command for a prostitution ring. Andrea has been lobbying her agent for a trade to Team Sex for years but politely requested that we don’t tell her husband she’s playing on a team of hookers. Sam will be out of action tonight in what fans are praying is not a protracted holdout while Cutler makes her long awaited non-sub debut (meaning she’s a rostered player and not necessarily that she’s a dom). Like with Ariel, all it took was a move to Florida and a corresponding drop in draft stock for me to get to play with my friends. Really heartwarming stuff. Anyways, lots of absences tonight but Phelps will be in net and apparently has had a house account at EJ Entertainment for years so no issues there. Simon’s team won their first game 5-4 over the Football Club and will have Jeff Green subbing in net once again. Scotty will sub for blue but either way, white is likely a slight favorite in this one because Simon’s younger than me even if I am undoubtedly more handsome. We’ll see if being around New York’s finest prostitution ring tonight affects his play and/or his marriage. Either way, there’s no shame if he doesn’t perform; it would be far from the first time EJ Entertainment made someone Shoot Blancs.
Pinky Swear $#*! (-130)
My Cup Size Is Stanley (-110)
Over 5.5 (-120)
Under 5.5 (-120)
Notes: Phelps will be subbing in net for Cup Size while pink has zero women attending this game except, somehow, Jess who will be there but has been advised by pretty much everyone except for me not to play. To be fair, I’m the guy who also went against doctor’s orders and played hockey exactly 3 months after breaking my ankle and having surgery but I think the fundamental error you’re making here is in assuming Jess is a delicate lady. She is far from delicate, extremely far from a lady and can probably beat 90% of people reading this in arm wrestling. If she plays, pink will have one lady sub; if she’s out, they’ll get two. Wes is also out but otherwise this should be a quality matchup between a black team looking to rebound from last week’s tough loss to MelRose and a pink team I think could be a contender this season. Cup Size will have a theoretically stronger lineup in tow tonight but their #1 issue all season is going to be lack of team speed and pink looks to be one of the faster squads in the league, especially with Stern off the weed and sitting #2 in the scoring race and #1 in his own side-fantasy pool which I made lines for (he was the betting favorite). Jenn has still yet to submit any type of lineup besides telling me she needs a goalie and asking for all manner of subs ranging from Campbell Weaver to Igor Shesterkin; thus, I have no choice but to declare pink a very slight favorite, even without their 1st rounder. Game could truly go either way but look for pink to use their speed to give black fits and take down a close one.
Red Rockets (-110)
MelRose Place (-130)
Over 5.5 (-130)
Under 5.5 (-110)
Notes: A showdown between two teams who were fairly pissed at me for ranking them last but will no doubt enjoy using it for bulletin board material all season. For the record – my poor ranking of MelRose was pretty much solely due to the uncertainty surrounding a rookie goalie none of us had seen play and a 5th rounder who I was told hadn’t played hockey in close to a decade. Game one returns on both were highly encouraging as Ridzik looked every bit of McQuade’s high school goalie, complete with the crippling gambling addiction, in only allowing two goals in a 4-2 victory while Luc picked up two goals. My qualms with the rockets were that they made the classic D5 mistake of catching feelings and trying to recreate the previous seasons team. That’s like trying to get back with an ex years later: it’s tempting, especially if the sex was fun, but it’s never going to be as good as it was the first time around. There are isolated instances of this scenario actually working out for people but far more instances of the situation blowing up and ending in a super messy breakup and/or murder. Let’s hope it doesn’t come to that for red because while I am skeptical of their hockey team, I do enjoy many of their players. I still have to find them a goalie and they’ll have Ryann subbing for Brita along with a male sub or two TBD but with yellow missing DRo, Luc and Wagner this is a huge opportunity for them to pick up a win and gain some momentum. No idea if it’ll actually happen but I’m taking the over.
MelRose Place (-105)
My Cup Size Is Stanley (-135)
Over 5.5 (-110)
Under 5.5 (-130)
Notes: This league is always innovating and after allowing trades last year, we have moved into the logical next phase where captains don’t just trade players but also trade gameslots with each other as if they’re swapping playoff tickets on StubHub. Cup Size was supposed to play the Muskies in this one but Jack was about to ice a lineup of Rob Meehan, Jacob and Ellie. Three people I would consider vary degrees of friends/mortal enemies but not sure how a shorthanded hockey game would go for them. Actually I kind of do. Ever hear the phrase, “she’s got a face only a mother could love?” Well, this would be a backchecking performance that only Jack or Ryann could love. To spare us that on what should be a beautiful Friday night MelRose will take that slot for their 2nd game of the night because Mel was desperate to get out of her 10/14 doubleheader. While Jack similarly has pretty much no one for that game either, I told him this move will at least buy him 3 weeks to unload that slot in a future trade and he agreed. Thus, MelRose takes the final game off his hands here and Mel, despite losing a couple players in between games, will try to beat Cup Size for the 2nd time in 3 days. I have no idea if they can do it but I’ll probably force Mel to take pirate shots with me either way. Also if Cup Size starts 0-3 we might legitimately never see Hicks again so #pray4meatbox. That’s all I’ve got. See you tonight; Dorrian’s TBD.