D5 Power Rankings (Volume IV) (Spring 2023)

Welcome to Volume IV of the D5 Power Rankings, a new feature we will premier this season so that league members can get mad at other people’s rankings of their teams and not just my own. Methodology is simple; each week I will send a poll to a select group of league insiders (aka people who have nothing better to do but fill out a street hockey survey every week), then I will collate their responses along with my own into these unified ranks. Rankers are asked to weigh both recent performance and playoff projections. This week (like last week), we had 9 respondents to the poll although it wasn’t the same exact 9.

1) I Just Blue Myself

Previous Rank: 1 (unchanged)
Average Rank: 1
Highest Rank: 1
Lowest Rank: 1
1st Place Votes: 9 of 9

Comments: A unanimous 1st place ranking for the first time this season after wins over orange in regulation and red in OT. More regulation wins than any two other teams in the league combined. Miles getting a job in Chicago is worrisome but assuming he’s in for playoffs, he will be gunning for what would be an unprecedented 3rd straight D5 championship (was not active for Summer ’22).
Comment From Anonymous Ranker: “Pretty obvious, with only 2 losses on the season and a +18 goal differential (no one else even close) they are the team to beat this year.”

2) Hungry Hippos 2.0

Previous Rank: 5 (up 3)
Average Rank: 3.11
Highest Rank: 1
Lowest Rank: 6
1st Place Votes: 1 of 9 (someone submitted two 1st place votes)

Comments: AJ has been tremendous this season and at one point even called for a line change mid-shift. And Abby continues to prove she was likely the steal of the draft in round 6 which was frankly shocking and offensive. But the story here is the rise of testicle pills in the black locker room and the subsequent rise in Hicks’ goal scoring and jock strap size (the goal below, by the way, was historic as it put him #1 in all-time D5 goals, surpassing Probert who recently died moved to the suburbs). They may have already set the league record for OT/SO wins in a season (I will consult with our stats department) and still have 3 games to go. Standings position is hurt by not finishing games in regulation but that won’t matter come playoffs…a win is a win.
Comment From Anonymous Ranker: “It took them a little too long to finally gel so they may miss out on 2nd, but they are now the force they should have been all along. I see them finishing in 3rd as it is Hicks’ destiny to lose in the finals, not semis.”

3) The Narwhals

Previous Rank: 3 (unchanged)
Average Rank: 3.78
Highest Rank: 2
Lowest Rank: 7

Comments: Due to their somewhat unusual schedule they’ve only played six games thus far but will play three this week which should give us a much better idea of exactly who this team is. 2nd highest goals scored per game behind only blue and a good case for having the best 1-2-3 punch in the league with Jack/Tom/Annie. Playing great team hockey and cannot be counted out as the defending champs.
Comment From Anonymous Ranker:  “So can we all agree this Tom McGuire fella is going to be a 1st round pick in the next draft?”

4) Green Street Hooligans

Previous Rank: 6 (up 2)
Average Rank: 4.44
Highest Rank: 2
Lowest Rank: 8

Comments: Green’s only game since the last set of ranks was a 4-0 win over white but they still move up two spots, mostly due to stumbles by orange and yellow. They’ve been doubted all season by several rankers and their standard deviation of placements (someone google that term for Rich) is the highest in the league, but they remain in 2nd place which earns them some respect.
Comment From Anonymous Ranker: “Sneaky good try-hards.”

5) Chili Peppers

Previous Rank: 7 (up 2)
Average Rank: 4.67
Highest Rank: 3
Lowest Rank: 7

Comments: A highly impressive week for red as they beat a full strength pink team by two before playing blue without Sam and taking them to OT. I have been consistently bullish on red, ranking them the highest (or tied for highest) of all rankers in every single edition of these power rankings. With a full roster there is no doubt they are an elite team. But if they fail to break into the top four they’re going to have to play some extra games, and none of those games will be easy. Reminder that no team outside the top 4 in the standings has ever won a championship.
Comment From Anonymous Ranker: “Where is Sam? They need him to generate enough offense to compete. Jeff Green can steal a game though.”

6) Julie’s Football Club

Previous Rank: 4 (down 2)
Average Rank: 5.33
Highest Rank: 2
Lowest Rank: 7

Comments: Tough week for JFC as they shutout MelRose 2-0 before losing 3 straight to blue, white and black. This team remains a solid middle-of-the-pack team with a very solid possession game but poor attendance may lead them to having an extra playoff game which, as mentioned previously, will not be easy. Tash also may not be here one of the playoff weeks. Orange will have to rely on their depth and resilience to make it past the first week of the playoffs and have a shot at a 2nd title in 3 seasons.
Comment From Anonymous Ranker: “Different team with Amit but not enough Amit lately to get a higher ranking in this edition.”

7) MelRose Place

Previous Rank: 2 (down 5)
Average Rank: 5.78
Highest Rank: 3
Lowest Rank: 7

Comments: Two losses this past week (to orange and purple) rightfully drops them, but 5 spots seems steep. Like with red, we all knew they’d be a different team without Wes and his missed games in the regular season don’t affect their expected playoff wins when he will show up. Like with orange, however, lower standings position means an extra playoff game or two and in a season with all time record levels of parity, that could prove costly for young Mel.
Comment From Anonymous Ranker: “How many games has Wes made? It’s getting late for them to still be in my top 3.”

8) Shooting Blancs

Previous Rank: 9 (up 1)
Average Rank: 8.11
Highest Rank: 7
Lowest Rank: 9

Comments: Simon and Co picked up their first two wins this week and in Simon’s words “may never lose again.” Incredibly, despite a season spent mostly at the bottom of the standings and these rankings, two regulation wins is enough to move them to just one point back of 7th although MelRose has a game in hand. Still not sure they have enough secondary scoring to make it to Championship Week but with a finally healthy roster, they are at least back in play.
Comment From Anonymous Ranker: “Cara adds another element. I mean they need like 200 more elements but having her on the team gives them the ability to win a lot of games they couldn’t before.”

9) Medium Rare

Previous Rank: 8 (down 1)
Average Rank: 8.67
Highest Rank: 7
Lowest Rank: 9

Comments: Tough week with a couple losses on the rink as well as the loss of their goalie for the season. Cam will come in for the rest of the season and the addition of Oberg to D, while not leading to any wins Tuesday, looked great tactically. Doberg, as he will now be known, was able to utilize his speed for a one-man zone entry but usually just shot it over the net, making Jason Campbell and Jack extremely jealous. If he and Cam catch fire down the stretch, pink has the talent to make some noise come playoff time although they would likely need to win a league record 5 playoff games to win the cup.
Comment From Anonymous Ranker: “Besides Blue, no team has more than 2 regulation wins. It goes to show how much parity there is in the league. Medium Rare is in last place in the standings, and I don’t even think they have a bad team! Actually… they do have bad behavior, as the parade to the penalty box continues for Pink in recent games.”

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