D5 Power Rankings (Pre-Playoff Edition) (Summer 2023)

1) Red Zeppelin

Previous Rank: 1 (unchanged)
Average Rank: 1.63
Highest Rank: 1
Lowest Rank: 3
Standard Deviation: 0.74
1st Place Votes: 4 of 8

Comments: Red makes it through the full season ranked #1 wire to wire. Despite a season ending shootout loss to JFC, they haven’t lost a game that Joe was in for and are rightfully considered the favorites by rankers and the betting public. That said, a playoff game against a Pranksters team that handily beat them in the regular season looms large tonight.

Comments From Anonymous Rankers: 

“They have so much pace and are annoying to play against. Kind of rooting against them though tbh.”

“Losing to orange was tough and Nate’s horse riding celly was cringe – it wasn’t even the GWG!! Red had all the chances at the end of the game v orange last week and they just couldn’t close which leads me to think in a playoff situation they might choke.”

2) Julie’s Football Club

Previous Rank: 5 (up 3)
Average Rank: 2.50
Highest Rank: 1
Lowest Rank: 5
Standard Deviation: 1.31
1st Place Votes: 2 of 8

Comments: Orange finishes the season with four straight wins and their highest power ranking of the season. There were concerns about this team’s ability to score goals but getting Jo in round 5 has alleviated almost all of them. A Zeppelin-JFC semi-final matchup would be one of the highest rated playoff games in recent history.

Comments From Anonymous Rankers: 

“Defense wins championships and this team has it in spades.“

“The Carolina Hurricanes of the league.”

3) Blueberry Bulldogs

Previous Rank: 2 (down 1)
Average Rank: 2.75
Highest Rank: 1
Lowest Rank: 5
Standard Deviation: 1.28
1st Place Votes: 1 of 8

Comments: Blue finishes the season in 1st place but 3rd in the power ranks due to concerns over firepower and strength of schedule. Losing Cole for the championship hurts but if Wes and Zisser continue to play at an elite level, this team has as good a chance as any.

Comments From Anonymous Rankers: 

“A red vs blue final would be an all out war of supremely deep teams.”

“I had them way lower but then remembered Wes is on this team.”

4) Vegas Golden Knights

Previous Rank: 3 (down 1)
Average Rank: 4.63
Highest Rank: 4
Lowest Rank: 7
Standard Deviation: 1.06

Comments: Vegas finishes the season with two losses to two of the bottom teams (green and pink), but also an impressive win over 1st place blue. Tom Fitzgerald is out tonight but Jeff Green apparently changed his flight to be around the 15th and 22nd, giving their playoff hopes a major boost as that was all the power rankers wanted to talk about in regards to this. That said, their path to the championship is maybe the toughest of any team as they would potentially have to beat a full strength Llamas, then MelRose, then Bulldogs, then whomever comes out of the other side of the bracket.

Comments From Anonymous Rankers: 

“Losing Jeff makes them ranked lower for this. Burning man claims another soul.“

“A team of studs but their goalie stud will be at burning man during playoffs getting studded.“

5) MelRose Place

Previous Rank: 6 (up 1)
Average Rank: 4.88
Highest Rank: 3
Lowest Rank: 8
Standard Deviation: 2.23
1st Place Votes: 1 of 8

Comments: MelRose ends the season on a high note with a league record 11-0 drubbing of the Mensches. Losing their worst player before the season certainly helped but picking up sleepers like Ryan Levine and Zach Flynn late may have been even bigger. Actually, losing the terrible player was bigger, but regardless this team is deep and they’re hitting their stride at just the right time.

Comments From Anonymous Rankers: 

“I would pick them above Vegas but Jewish god is going to punish them for running up the score against the Mensches last week.”

“This team is fired up and ready to go! They are already #1 in your heart and will soon be crowned #1 on the court! Mel atoned for their sins against the Mensches, so they’re in good standing (sorry, Nate!).” 

6) Hungry Hippos 2.0

Previous Rank: 4 (down 2)
Average Rank: 5.63
Highest Rank: 3
Lowest Rank: 8
Standard Deviation: 1.41

Comments: The Hippos have been ranked all over the map this season and fittingly finish right in the middle of these final power ranks. Their offense is incredible, their defense often non-existent and goaltending usually late. They had 3 of the top 9 regular season scorers and none of them were Jack. This team can beat anybody but can also give up 8 goals to anybody. Probably the most exciting team to watch in the playoffs and a great dark horse pick.

Comments From Anonymous Rankers: 

“This team’s lack of defense has been over-exaggerated. New guy Peter seems to be anchoring that corps really well.”

“Motion to have offsides for playoffs, would take away at least 5 goals from this team.”

7) Merry Pranksters

Previous Rank: 7 (unchanged)
Average Rank: 6.38
Highest Rank: 4
Lowest Rank: 8
Standard Deviation: 1.41

Comments: At times they have looked like the best team in the league but they came back down to earth a bit to end the season. Similar to the Hippos they’re basically playing pond hockey out there which is not such a bad strategy when you have Derek, as they will tonight. Also similar to the Hippos, they’re one of the most exciting teams to watch in these playoffs and for me, this is my playoff dark horse pick as I personally have them pulling a major upset over red tonight in my bracket.

Comments From Anonymous Rankers: 

“I’m glad they had their team dinner before the playoffs because they’re not going to have much to celebrate after playing Red Zep.”

“Gelman is getting too cocky; it’s uncomfortable.”

8) The Lavender Llamas

Previous Rank: 9 (up 1)
Average Rank: 8.88
Highest Rank: 7
Lowest Rank: 11

Standard Deviation: 1.73

Comments: Llamas have had an absolutely brutal season from the standpoint of puck luck, injuries and penalties but if they can just beat the Mensches in the final game of the play-in tournament, all will be forgiven. Of course, that part is easier said than done but with Sam, Phelps, Annie, Pags and Joel all in for this game, they’re easily the strongest potential 10 seed in league history and have a legit chance to win two games tonight and make it to Championship Week.

Comments From Anonymous Rankers: 

“Pags, Annie, and Sam is some serious firepower at the top. Could be enough to surprise some people here. Idc that they lost to blancs in the play-in.“

“This team is much better than their record.”

9) Shooting Blancs

Previous Rank: 8 (down 1)
Average Rank: 9.00
Highest Rank: 8
Lowest Rank: 10
Standard Deviation: 0.93

Comments: The Blancs squeaked out a win over the Llamas last week but still get ranked below them. What can I say, life is unfair and often quite cruel at that. They’ve been middle of the pack most of the year before a late season swoon landed them in the play-in bracket. The Hippos trounced them 11-6 in their most recent matchup but there’s enough talent and depth on this squad to pull the upset if they can avoid getting in their own heads with bad penalties and incessant complaining. The Hicks/Simon celly showdown alone is worth the price of admission.

Comments From Anonymous Rankers: 

“When Simon doesn’t smoke before games he alone can give his team a chance to win. Anyone else enjoy Cara’s run of using many expletives during the games?“

“This team stinks.”

10) The Mighty Mensches

Previous Rank: 12 (up 2)
Average Rank: 9.88
Highest Rank: 8
Lowest Rank: 12
Standard Deviation: 1.46

Comments: The Mensches finish the season in rousing fashion with their first win of the season, a game against 1st place blue which they almost came back and won and then a dominating play-in victory to land them a game against the Llamas and a shot to make it to the main bracket. Who could have seen this coming just weeks ago when they were getting shellacked 11-0 by yellow? Since then they have built the Iron Dome over their net and Jeff Green has declared himself an honorary Jew; he seemed more excited over last week’s wins than most players on the actual roster. If the same team from last week shows up tonight they have a puncher’s chance against anyone, even if it will take a Chanukah-esque miracle for them to advance to Championship Week. Still, anyone who’s subbed for or spent any time with them will surely be pulling for them to do just that.

Comments From Anonymous Rankers: 

“Proud of them for winning. Earned the right to get trounced by Sam and Pags in the next round.” 

“If they have the right lineup, they’re competitive with the best; they proved it on Tuesday. They’re not ranked 12th! Mazel Tov!!!!!”

11) Green Street Hooligans

Previous Rank: 11 (unchanged)
Average Rank: 10.25
Highest Rank: 9
Lowest Rank: 12
Standard Deviation: 1.16

Comments: Green avoided the play-in entirely thanks to Amanda captaining them for their last game of the season (or so she’ll tell you), but pretty much no one thinks they can beat the Pranksters tonight, myself included. It will take a truly Herculean performance from Jacob in net and Rich behind the bench to do so. I’m not sure if I see it happening but considering they’ve been ranked 11th in pretty much every power ranking since week 1 and somehow attained the 8th seed, I suppose stranger things have happened.

Comments From Anonymous Rankers: 

“Two wins against weak Menches lineups and one game that Simon stole for them in net. This team just doesn’t have it this season.”

“They are a poor man’s Yellow team and a poor man who also has $100k in student loans’ Orange team.“

12) Hubba Bubba

Previous Rank: 9 (down 3)
Average Rank: 11.63
Highest Rank: 10
Lowest Rank: 12
Standard Deviation: 0.74

Comments: Pink was considered a sleeper by some but got put to sleep by the Mensches last week in a game that took years off my life. I’m not sure why I’m still writing about a team that is out of the playoffs or why they weren’t ranked 12 across the board since they quite literally have zero chance to win the championship unless a hefty bribe is proffered, accepted and results in league playoff rules being changed in the next few hours. Would be electric content for the media but is sadly unlikely.

Comments From Anonymous Rankers: 

“Complete and utter disgrace. Someone in the last power rankings called this team a “playoff sleeper” that person is also disgraced and should be excommunicated from the power rankings email.”

“The bubble popped. Sad.“