After a long than expected hiatus, we are somehow back in just one week’s time. In lieu of a really nice welcome back email about how much we’ve missed you, here’s some updated betting lines instead.
District Five Championship
Red, White or Blue (USA!) (-270)
Field (+180)
District Five Championship
Blue or Pink (-140)
Field (-105)
COMMENTS: Blue was off to a historic start with 17 goals scored and only 5 against in 3 games, but will they be able to keep the momentum after a five month hiatus? Meanwhile pink is my personal dark horse to make a late run if Jo Robin starts actually showing up to games and Jeff Green returns from whatever European van he is currently residing in (actually maybe he should stay there, it sounds like a pretty sweet life). I’ve also been told that red should be the favorite to win but to be fair the only person who told me that was Tarnow. No word yet on the level of buy-in from this squad on the “Nate Lerner System” which team insiders have informed me is mostly just a lot of yelling.
Which Team Will Finish Higher In The Standings?
Jewish Golden Calfs (-160)
Big Deke Energy (+115)
COMMENTS: Levine didn’t have time to put together any pamphlets for this team but if he did it’d be short and mostly just say “thank god we took Pelletier in the 6th because we’d be totally fucked otherwise.” They have two elite scoring lines but that’s mostly it while gold is the opposite; tremendous depth and possession metrics. Yes, Jake is out for the season but they will be getting a solid replacement to be announced tomorrow, although replacement will miss half their remaining reg season games. Still think their superior skill will win out.
Which Team Will Finish Higher In The Standings?
Red Eyes Peas (-130)
Shooting Blancs (-110)
COMMENTS: They already played twice with each team winning a game by a goal. I think white is better, most of the public thinks red is better. This is why we have a market folks.
Blue Win Total
Over 8.5 (+120)
Under 8.5 (-170)
Red Win Total
Over 7.0 (-150)
Under 7.0 (+105)
Purple Win Total
Over 2.5 (+185)
Under 2.5 (-240)
Black Win Total
Over 6.0 (-155)
Under 6.0 (+110)
District Five Scoring Title*
Sam Gelman (-210)
Field (+150)
COMMENTS: When Gelman was on blue he always requested to play on the top line and I always made him center line two. Now that he has his own team he’s putting himself on the first unit, stacking his linemates and going for broke offensively. That coupled with the fact that he’s likely to make every game make him the frontrunner to take down his first scoring crown. Championship no but scoring crown most likely. Mazel. Also don’t let Satok win two in a row…
You may think that was just a juvenile joke on my part and you’d be right but promises were indeed made back in August. On the advice of my attorneys I will keep that text conversation private but Satok will owe and the people will collect. Also that text offended you, I was talking about male whores. Obviously.
District Five Ladies’ Scoring Title
Cara or Cherie (-420)
Field (+250)
Lower GAA (Regular Season Only; Must Start At Least Five Games)
Zisser (+115)
Corey (-160)
Lower GAA (Regular Season Only)
Max (-120)
The Jackuum (-120)
Grand Salami (Total Goals For The Season; Regular Season Only)
Over 315.5 (-120)
Under 315.5 (-120)
PRESEASON COMMENTS: The standard over/under for a D5 game was 5.5 goals with 13 minute periods and jumped to 6.6 with 14 minute periods. Doesn’t make sense but whatever. 6.6 this season would be 297 so this is that with a slight over juice to account that there is a lower limit for goals in a game (1) but technically no upper limit (the record is 17).
UPDATED COMMENTS: The first 37.8% of the season saw an average of 7.29 goals per game. High scoring statistical anomoly or harbinger of goaltender nightmares to come? Whatever the case may be, line has been shifted but I’m expecting some regression. Speaking of stats, I would wager less than 9% of people reading this have any interest in crunching numbers for a D5 bet. We welcome their business.
How Many Games Will Go To OT? (Regular Season Only)
Over 7.5 (-120)
Under 7.5 (-120)
COMMENTS: 7.5 was the preseason projection and with 3 in 17 games thus far I would give the league stats department a hefty raise and a hearty slap on the ass if the stats department didn’t solely consist of me anyways.
Who Will Finish Higher In The Scoring Race?
Jack (-250)
Annie (+160)
COMMENTS: Last season she outscored him 17-5. PPG wise it was closer but she still had the edge. This season he’s up 4-2 and has been accused of sexism by me, but there’s a lot of season left for her to catch up and/or kneecap him in the shower.
Who Will Finish Higher In The Scoring Race?
Hicks (-200)
Stern (+145)
COMMENTS: Stern has a game in hand but also has a new baby that presumably could make his schedule tricky. He did play on his anniversary last year though so that baby might be out of luck. Meanwhile Hicks has no baby but he does have the goals tiebreaker and a lifetime supply of that bull testicle supplement which is worth way more than a baby, maybe not in terms of life impact but certainly in terms of rec ball hockey performance/anger.
Who Will Finish Higher In The Scoring Race?
Brita (-120)
Cherie (-120)
Who Will Finish Higher In The Scoring Race?
Tarnow (-120)
Ryan Levine (-120)
COMMENTS: Tarnow’s team is better but Levine has a game in hand. Both will miss a game or two for grad school/work. Both are solid 2nd rounders. I’m leaning Tarnow but this is really a dead heat.
Who Will Finish Higher In The Scoring Race?
Corey (+175)
Chad (-250)
COMMENTS: Corey’s a stronger all-around player but Chad only cares about two things: scoring goals and going to raves. And he’s almost out of raves. Ok, he also likes other things like losing to me at Strikers and accidentally hooking up with high school girls in Buffalo, but that didn’t really fit with my Dazed and Confused reference so just let it go.
Who Will Finish Higher In The Scoring Race?
Russo (-220)
Scott Metz (+160)
COMMENTS: I am contractually obligated to post the line every season along with this photo of the two villains in 101 Dalmatians.
Who Will Finish Higher In The Scoring Race?
Adam Herman (-120)
Yehuda (-120)
COMMENTS: So far Yehuda has one point in three games. Herman has none but also has far less game losing turnovers. Unfortunately for him that’s not really relevant for this bet so I have this continuing to be a dead heat. I’m unsure if gold will continue to play Yehuda on defense against my own advice/pleas for sanity but it doesn’t really matter as that’d just gets the lad more playing time. Here’s Ridzik’s preseason comments and all I’ll say is the floodgates have now been opened for all manner of Helen Keller jokes on this website. Consider yourself warned.
RIDZIK PRESEASON COMMENTS: We went from Kobe-Shaq in Campbell-Hicks to Helen Keller vs a Karaoke Machine with Yehuda and Herman. I feel morally obligated to bet on this mostly because I’m a degenerate, but also mostly because I’m a diamond platinum member of the book much like one of these two muppets featured on this line. I wanna see where the money goes first, but irregardless, 5 is the number of grace in scripture. I’m unsure if these guys will grace us with 5 points combined. If I outscore them playing forward, I motion for Yehuda to be a full time goalie in the Spring. Gimme Yehuda to outdueL Herman just so I can light a fire under Herman’s ass. Prove me wrong Herman, I look forward to it.
Who Will Finish Higher In The Scoring Race?
Rich (+240)
Ellie (-400)
PRESEASON COMMENTS: Rich specifically requested a points line for himself even though he’s technically not a full-time player. In a wrestling match or a trivia contest about what the Reagan era was like, he would be heavily favored. For points, he is a decided underdog to a player who had multiple seasons with 0 goals.
UPDATED COMMENTS: I stand by every word of that. She currently has a 1-0 lead which doesn’t sound like a lot but in this competition is more like a 1-0 lead in the 89th minute of a soccer game. Oh and also the team that’s down is playing shorthanded and has multiple blind players. One of them might even be Helen Keller.
Which Number Will Be Larger? (Regular Season Only)
Blue Team Standings Points (-155)
Corey + Brita Points (+110)
Which Number Will Be Larger? (Regular Season Only)
Black Team Standings Points (-110)
Hicks + Pigozzi Season Goals (-130)
Which Number Will Be Larger? (Regular Season Only)
Cara + Cherie Season Points (-275)
Ryan + Dom Season Points (+215)
Will Anyone Be Suspended For At Least One Game This Season?
Yes (-360)
No (+200)
COMMENTS: As in past seasons, wagers will not be honored if it is suspected someone intentionally got suspended for the purposes of winning this prop bet. This is probably the only hockey league in the world that requires this disclaimer.
How Many Regular Season Games Will Not Be Completed On Schedule?Over 14.5 (-350)
Under 14.5 (+260)
COMMENTS: I can’t believe I even listed this line in the preseason. In retrospect, I deserved this.
When Will The Championship Game Be Played?
April 9 (-130)
April 16 (-105)
Any Other Date (+300)
COMMENTS: Because I never learn, I will tempt fate again and offer a line on this. May god have mercy on all of our souls.