Red Cheeks (-2.0 Goals) (EVEN)
The Hart Foundation (+2.0 Goals) (-145)
Over 7.5 (-135)
Under 7.5 (-105)
Notes: I have no idea what the fuck is going on today. Like legitimately have done jack shit since waking up at noon after a 12 hour post-Vegas hibernation. I think Chad and Corey wisely took the day off. Sam came back a day early so maybe he’s a human again. Honestly, from what I saw this weekend, that too is pretty unlikely. And yet, here I sit having to write a bunch of words about some ball hockey matchups that I can’t even play in because I shredded my ACL eight months ago and also even if I could play today I would probably die trying. Prob will just throw in whatever pics I have on my camera roll so I don’t have to do any research too. Ok so let’s see – red I thought would suck but their depth is actually pretty sweet. They were up 4-0 on Clappin before collapsing defensively in the 3rd. No idea which team is the real red: the one that dominated the first two periods 4-0 or the one that got absolutely smoked in the 3rd like me at the blackjack tables for the past five days. Miles and Sean are out for pink and Ryann is running as the solo girl. Red just asked me what the sub rules are for guys so I guess they’re probably short or Nate just likes asking unnecessary questions (honestly neither would surprise me). I think red wins this game but I also thought the Nuggets and Knicks would win Sunday so fuck. Also Carter’s finally in but there are issues in the red locker room. Anson Carter will comment in between periods (no relation).
Bonus Lines:
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This Is The Carter (-120)
Stern (-120)
The Golden Girls (+2.0 Goals) (-120)
Mel’s Power Trip (-2.0 Goals) (-120)
Over 7.0 (-110)
Under 7.0 (-130)
Notes: I have to find gold a girl sub. Yellow has to find a goalie sub every week and this time they have Jeff Green. Yellow is clearly good but not as good as people rate them. Gold is clearly not good but not as not good as people rate them. I am contractually obligated to make yellow a multigoal favorite due to public perception but the Golden Girls are a very sneaky upset pick in this one. Also I think I’m supposed to bring them shirts or something today. Not sure if that factors into your betting strategy.
Bonus Lines:
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Minsky (-130)
Dave Liang (-110)
More Points In This Game
Joe Mosk (-120)
Yehuda (-120)
Red Cheeks (-120)
Mel’s Power Trip (-120)
Over 6.0 (-130)
Under 6.0 (-110)
Notes: This game got rained out, as is tradition this season because god hates me and now by extension you. There’s 5:09 left in the 1st period and it’s 0-0 which has zero effect on the moneylines but does juice the under a bit. What does have some effect on the moneyline is that after thinking they were terrible before the season, I’ve now seen red play twice. Once, they shockingly dominated the pranksters and once they were up 4-0 on their darker cheek brethren before collapsing defensively in the 3rd. I actually think I already wrote these exact words in the earlier preview. It appears we’ve already reached the self-plagiarization phase and its only preview #3. Not a good sign for what’s going to happen in preview #6. Quite honestly, these are two of the more confusing teams to grade. Everyone is telling me yellow’s elite but I see them as just very good. Meanwhile I was telling everyone that I thought red was bad but I now think they too are very good. So it’s very good vs very good, like if Jerry Maguire had to fight Jack Shephard from Lost. Does that analogy makes any sense? Was that even an analogy? Do you think a lot of adult films have the word analogy in the title, perhaps if they’re of the intellectual variety or if someone made a typo? Difficult questions for any man. I’ve got red to win and the under.
Bonus Lines:
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Nate (-120)
Malik (-120)
Clappin’ Cheeks (-2.5 Goals) (-120)
Oh Deer (+2.5 Goals) (-120)
Over 7.5 (-135)
Under 7.5 (-105)
Notes: Oh Deer finally has most of their lineup in tow for this one but Hicks has been meticulously tracking his new dog’s pees all week so no idea if he remembers how to run a hockey team or if he’s just going to be telling guys where to pee (my advice: the bathroom). I think Dickson is finally in for this one. Hoffman’s en route to Chicago much like OJ Simpson was the night his wife and a waiter were murdered by “someone.” Does anyone in the league believe OJ didn’t actually commit these murders? Would people find it strange if that was added to this year’s end of season poll? Your opinion on a 30 year old murder case where the top suspect just died? Say no more, it will be done. Ok so what are we talking about here. Oh yeah, Sarah Hoffman. She’s not playing but I’ll get camo some kind of girl sub. I think I have to bring their shirts too. I have no idea if they’ll win but I do expect them to play their best game of the season tonight. The public is going to be betting heavy against them but never underestimate a man who takes bull testicle supplement and is currently writing an algo script to predict pee locations. I made one of those up. I’m taking camo to cover. Also, when I said bathroom earlier, I was referring to the area between the south side boards and the projects. Just want to make sure that was clear.
Bonus Lines:
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Tommy (-120)
Hicks (-120)
Clappin’ Cheeks (-120)
The Smurfs (-120)
Over 8.0 (-145)
Under 8.0 (EVEN)
Notes: The last time these teams met it was a nightmare game in Smurftown as Phelps got injured, Sam got tossed and I think Brick killed a guy. This game blue won’t have a couple players but for the most part will have a full-ish lineup for the first time in a while. Cheeks won’t have Dom or Ridzik for either game nor Leeb for this one. Tough call here. I am super curious how the public perception will be on this game so I might put out a pick pool for fun this week. Should we do it? Ok it’s settled. Pick pool for the people. As for the game itself, bet at your own risk but I personally am hammering the over, even if it’s the highest one of the week.
Bonus Lines:
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Chad + Sam + Cardello (-130)
Tommy + Pete + Ryan (-110)
Will Chad Throw Up During This Game?
Yes (-5000)
Merry Pranksters (-120)
Oh Deer! (-120)
Over 7.5 (-120)
Under 7.5 (-120)
Notes: Jo Robin’s out for the Pranksters. Oh Deer has a good roster and I still believe Simon is a good goalie. I’m tired. Vegas is a vibe. See you later.
Bonus Lines:
More Points In This Game
Gelman (-130)
Hicks (-110)
