Red (-120)
The MilkMob (-120)
Over 6.5 (-105)
Under 6.5 (-135)
Notes: One of the most exciting debuts in league history takes place tonight in the opening game of the season. Is it a new former pro player? An NHL-adjacent celeb? A league rapper dropping their first album? No, it’s even better than all that, especially if you’re part of the Dairy Farmers of America. It’s the debut of the MilkMob, New York’s hottest new hockey team which promises me rasta headbands and milk on the bench. I really can’t wait to see what the hell goes down with this squad as this is sure to be an electric season. But will that electricity carry over to the rink? Honestly, I have no idea. They drafted a bunch of guys who I’ve never heard of and went rogue more than a few times, causing mass confusion on the Zoom. The MilkMan playing his former team only adds to the intrigue here. I have no idea how to handicap this matchup but with APK and a probable top goalie wildcard option facing off and both teams shaking off some rust from the offseason (aka one week), the smart play here is the under. Unless one of these teams plays godawful defense, which could easily happen due to a combination of laziness and excess lactose consumption. Truly anything’s on the table.
Red (+2.0 Goals) (-110)
The Sharks (-2.0 Goals) (-130)
Over 6.5 (-120)
Under 6.5 (-120)
Notes: After two seasons on the sideline and one final where they played against each other, Jack and Annie are back together hockey-wise and with them, purple is officially back. And after their most recent captain season where Jack showed up on the Zoom already hammered and crushing a magnum of wine only to draft a truly bizarre team (albeit one which went on a run for the ages), Jack left this seasons drafting mostly to Annie. She went on to put together a top-to-bottom solid cup contender. Jack and Neil will handle the scoring, Kev and Henry will offer speed from the blueline and Max mans the net after multiple season playing with his brother on gold. Meanwhile on the other side of the ledger I was not a big fan of red’s draft but I also wasn’t a fan of their draft last season and they ended up making it to the finals. To be fair, I also didn’t like their spring draft and I was 100% right about that one. I think I’m right about this one as well. The goalie wildcard gives them a solid floor but I think Sharks will be too fast, too deep and too hungry to bring back the glory to one of the league’s proudest franchises. Purple by 3.
The MilkMob (+2.0 Goals) (-120)
Tropic Thunder (-2.0 Goals) (-120)
Over 6.5 (-120)
Under 6.5 (-120)
Notes: The MilkMob plays their second of the night against a fully loaded camo squad which likely represents Hicks’ finest draft in many seasons. Although the 1st round goalie price tag is formidable, they did emerge with the guy who was in net for the last two finals winners (Jeff Green) along with Hicks, the league’s all time leading scorer and Simon who’s a mid-range defenseman. God I wish I could see his face when he read that. For real though, Camo is solidly built top to bottom and CC should contend for rookie of the year on the teams top D pairing. The real question I suppose will be which bench is louder and more insane. The camo bench featuring Hicks screaming about taco bell and ripping shirts off each time he scores or the white bench doing beerbongs of milk in between whistles? As much as white is unquestionably the people’s team this season, I have to give the edge to Tropic Thunder with Hicks and Jeff Campbell ripping Booty Sweat on the bench between shifts.
Yellow (+150)
The Sharks (-225)
Over 6.5 (-120)
Under 6.5 (-120)
Notes: Basically the same writeup and general outlook as game 1. The Sharks appear to me to be one of the top teams in the league, balanced up and down the lineup with no discernable weakness. Yellow tried to largely rebuild last seasons roster which rarely goes well. They’ll have Wes instead of Fitz, Zisser instead of Will and some general bottom of lineup substitutions but spending less draft capital on women than any other team, by far, is going to bite them when they play the better teams. And this appears to be one of them. Unless Zisser has a vintage performance, expect Annie to run wild and purple to win by 2 or more.
Green (-120)
Merry Pranksters (-120)
Over 6.5 (-120)
Under 6.5 (-120)
Notes: Both these teams are getting rated near the bottom of most people’s rankings but I find these rosters to be extremely similar: generally solid, middle of the pack squads. Sonj is coming off a full-season heater of a season and became the first goalie to be selected in round 1 in several years, but green has Corey who won the #1 goalie award the season prior (Spring 2024) along with a smart top of lineup featuring Jo, Stern and Andrew. They also have maybe the top 1/2 female punch with Ryann and rookie Alex although I believe Alex plays defense while Ryann most certainly does anything but. Honestly I’m just waiting for the day when she and Hicks get to play on the same team and spend entire shifts playing backgammon in the offensive zone while waiting for an outlet pass. Green has a full lineup and I’d assume tie dye is similar or close to it seeing as it’s opening night. Total toss-up in my opinion. I lean under.
Merry Pranksters (-200)
Yellow (+140)
Over 6.5 (-120)
Under 6.5 (-120)
Notes: The final game of the evening, the west coast special, sees two Jewish broads go at it as Mel takes on Gelman. Yom Kippur comes early this year as one captain will have to atone for their sins tonight, those sins being drafting a mediocre team. I don’t think these teams are that far off of each other but considering Sonj’s recent heater and the elite D core of Ariel/Ari and presumably KG/Maddy doing business in front of her, allowing them to rush three dudes on offense, I have to give the edge to tie dye. Last season was a borderline nightmare for the Pranksters but they’re on their way up here. See ya tonight.