Week 5 Betting Lines (Fall 2018)

The Charging Cheetahs (-105)
Cleveland Browns (-135)
Over 6.0 Goals (-120)
Under 6.0 Goals (-120)

The pick: The Cheetahs, fresh off their first regular season loss in team history, face a Cleveland Browns team that has only dropped one decision all season and sits just one point back of them in the standings.  Neither team has requested any subs so it appears they’ll be at full strength.  While there are compelling matchups up and down the lineup for two of the top teams in D5, the main event is one of the top 2 or 3 forwards in the league against the best defenseman in the league as Luke takes on his Canadian homeboy Gabe.  Some of you may not know about this but despite his friendly-seeming demeanor, Gabe likes to bully Luke every now and then by bringing up famous people who are playing at Radio City and thus probably having a lot more sex than him.  Strangely, this happens via email and I am sometimes CCed.  I’m not sure who’s going to win this game, but I would bet on at least a goal or two from Luke with some postgame lovin’ to boot.

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Reached for comment, 2CELLOS could neither confirm nor deny.

The Varsity Warriors (-140)
My Cup Size Is Stanley (EVEN)
Over 8.0 Goals (-135)
Under 8.0 Goals (-105)

The pick: Two teams plagued by attendance issues all season will finally have most, if not all of their respective rosters available to play in week 5.  This match is more than just a revenge game for Jenn after Probie’s team knocked her out in the final four last season, or a follow to last season’s Week 3 OT classic.  Cup Size needs this win to stay in the race for a top four seed, especially with back to back matches against #1 ranked Sexy on the horizon, while the Warriors are desperately seeking their first win of the year.  It may have started as a championship hangover but is quickly turning into full blown chlamydia.  If they lose this game the Warriors will end week five stuck at zero points and almost guaranteed a bottom two seed and thus the longest possible path to the championship (playoff schedule is now out).  Cup Size is riding high after picking up their first win of the season last week and have looked much better in recent weeks.  They’re expecting to have their full roster in tow and with Cherie, Joey, Gene, Jen Ascencio, JRo and a host of other strong and somewhat chippy players you probably don’t know, this is a scary looking offense.  But if Probie, Charlotte, Seb and Derek are all there, for the first time all season, expect gang green to pick up their first W of the year.

Team Sexy (-180)
The Purple Parrots (+130)
Over 7.0 Goals (-115)
Under 7.0 Goals (-125)

The pick: Team Sexy enters this week’s matchup on a roll, having won their last two games to move up to 1st place with a solid 10 points.  They’re getting balanced scoring throughout the lineup and feature an impressive 6 players (!) in the top 21 in points to go with one of the top goaltenders in the league.  Sadly, Barch is in DC tonight so the boys (and girls) in blue will look to a goaltender and lover for the ages, Mike Zisser, to give them a strong performance in relief in net.  Getting Kevin and Tommy in the lineup should help, but it won’t be easy against a Parrots squad that’s been trending up the past few games (if you listen closely you can still hear the sounds of ca-cawing all over the Upper East Side).  Campbell gives them a chance to win every game they’re in, but will they be able to put enough goals by Ziss to get the W?  The Parrots D is their key to victory in this one and will need to come up with a monster effort against the 2nd highest scoring team in the league.  LJ gives them the steady veteran presence in the back to shut down most teams, but she’ll have her hands full with Ryann, Becca and the rest of the Sexy ladies (as they will be known from here on out).  LJ was of course a crucial part of OG Team Sexy, but outside of Avery, Alex and Caitlin this is a whole new situation.  It should be a tight matchup but smart money’s on the blueshirts and the under.

Yes, I’m aware this song sucks. Let’s just move on.

Ball That (+105)
Hungry Hippos (-145)
Over 7.5 Goals (-120)
Under 7.5 Goals (-120)

The pick: After the draft, Ball That was widely proclaimed to be the championship favorite for the Fall season.  Things haven’t exactly gone to play for agent orange with attendance issues and injuries being the story of their season thus far.  However, if this past Friday night showed us anything about this team it’s that they still have the firepower to score with any team in the league.  Miles is coming off a hat trick, surprisingly not playing with Jeff but still crushing it with Will, while Andrea is one of the best players you haven’t paid attention to this season.  Meanwhile, Zisser will be playing in his second consecutive game and it’s fair to wonder if fatigue will play a role (his lifestyle doesn’t exactly lend itself to elite cardio).  He and the Hippos have both bounced back from a tough summer season, with the Hippos tied for 2nd place while Zisser currently sits in 3rd among netminders with a 1.90 goals against average.  They’ll be missing Roberts, the current leading scorer in the league, but Hicks will be back after a one week absence and Marcella/Kelsey give them two tenacious forecheckers to wear down a defense over the course of a game.  It should be a riveting contest that could really go either way, but under the bright lights of the primetime game, expect the Hippos to ride their superior defense to a win.

* Contact Hicks if you have a gambling problem

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