Week 8 Betting Lines (Fall 2019)

Purple People Eaters (+125)
Stud Puffins
Over 5.5 (-120)
Under 5.5 (-120)

Notes: It’s subapalooza over at D5 tonight as the penultimate week of the season sees a Friday night game with a ton of you bitches out of town. Purple will be without Liz ^ 2, as mathematical genius and People Eaters captain Jack has informed me, along with Klion who is presumably riding horses or drinking heavily in Nashville (not sure what the Liz’s are doing but hopefully it’s sexy). Caitlin will be subbing along with Justine to give them four women and take on the orange contingent led by twin towers (in hockey skill, definitely not in height) Meg and Sena. This was originally supposed to be something offensive (maybe the Jew Bowl?) but with Lee and Eli out tonight, possibly to observe the sabbath, the bowl series will have to remain on hold til 2020. Derek is out yet again but orange will be using their final sub slot to get jazz legend Luke Sellick in the mix and hopefully add some scoring punch to a team that has been surprisingly bad at scoring this season, with 13 goals in 7 games putting them just one ahead of last place in the league. For a team that was pegged to be the title favorite this is almost as surprising as the time I watched Extras and found out that Patrick Stewart is secretly a huge pervert. Anyways, this is the battle to stay out of the basement and while “idiot island,” as Hicks has uncreatively deemed them, would surely love to take Meg down a peg, I believe in the Wednesday night crew. If the game goes to 3 on 3 OT, Purple’s toast. Even in regulation, they’re a slight dog in this one. Braun has promised to “go off” tonight but in what may be the most spirited shit talk thread in Venmo history, it’s been made clear that no one really believes that. Bet on orange to get back on track and avoid relegation (new idea: next season we expand to 9 teams and everyone on the worst team has to sit out a season…spicy).

Green Street Hooligans (-140)
Goonies (EVEN)

Over 5.5 (-130)
Under 5.5 (-110)

Notes: The Hooligans will be missing Probie, Danilo, Joe P, Annie, Charlotte and Tracy. For those who are counting, that’s their top line, top defenseman and three of their ladies (and Jess was going to miss it before changing her mind literally three minutes ago). They will be getting some LBS-style loving (aka the best kind, just ask Jess) as ScottyK and Luke will slot in for Ben/Danilo while they will also be using lady subs TBD. The Goonies will be using Austin Lyons in place of three missing dudes that I can’t remember because my entire day has been consumed with finding subs (ok, and watching Living With Yourself). Cherie kind of hurt her ankle in BTSH last week but is going to give it a go and Casca is subbing in place of deLacy. It’s a shame that Probie and Joe P are missing this matchup against the squad that defeated their 1st place squad in the Summer Championship, but this should still be a fast-paced, well-played game. Picking a winner is beyond my paygrade but in a game with the offensive firepower of such legends as Luke, Scotty, Cherie, Yetter, Olivier and Tarnow, over looks spicy.

The Fireball Bowl
Hungry Hippos (-135)
Backdoor Bandits
Over 5.5 (-125)
Under 5.5 (-115)

Notes: The Fireball Bowl (or as Luke has informed me it should be called, The Fire Bowl) kicks off at 8:20 (aka probably sometime around 8:40) tonight as Hicks leads the Hippos into asstown to face the Bandits. I was debating what to write for this preview but thankfully the Meatbox Stat Of The Day is a thing now:

Yes, it was all fun and games in season 1 when Team Sexy laid three absolute beatings on the inaugural Hippos: first in week 2 by a score of 9-3 (which remains tied for the most goals by a team in league history), then in week 6 by a score of 6-2 and finally in the playoffs by a score of 5-2 in a game partially played in a lightning storm that made me feel like I was playing on the surface of Venus. Since then the Hippos have won three straight Bowl games, winning Hicks three bottles of Fireball on me, sadly. Two have been paid for and presumably drank by him this morning in preparation for this game in between his bouts of angry diarrhea while the third is double or nothing on the result of this match. Yellow will be without the services of Creamy, DRo and Dana while blue is missing over half their roster. Goalie-wise, Max will be subbing in place of Zisser, much to Austin’s chagrin, but as I explained this morning if he was in net I don’t know if the Bandits could field a team. Kelsey, Mikey, Eric, Evan, Ryan and Guido are all out, with Karsten and Jason of the LBS looking to get blue that sweet, sweet, disgusting bottle of Fireball for everyone to enjoy after the game. Casca and Max is always a fun matchup to watch in net of two guys who love flashing the leather, and Hilary vs Cheeky will be a battle of titans in the corners and in front of the blue net, but the matchups to watch are a) obviously me against Hicks, since he sent me that very long text about our personal matchups and will presumably want to prove who the better commissioner is, and b) Hogg vs AK, the two top scorers in the league. With just two games left, both will hope to put up big points in this one to secure what would be the first D5 scoring crown of either of their careers. As an unbiased journalist I’m going to resist picking a winner in this one; sit back and enjoy what should be another classic entry in D5s original bowl game series.

The Charging Cheetahs (+105)
My Cup Size Is Stanley
Over 5.5 (-110)
Under 5.5 (-130)

Notes: The last game of the evening sees a rematch of last week’s somewhat surprising 5-1 beatdown by Cup Size, just four days after the Cheetahs laid a thumping of their own on the Puffins, who laid a beatdown on the Hooligans in Week 5, the same Hooligans team who dispatched purple last week…and yes, the same purple squad who laid the surprise beating of the season on the previously undefeated Cup Size in Week 6. The parity this season has been the story of the year and while red looked overmatched last week, you’d have to think they’ll step it up this week if for no other reason than to avoid Sully going to jail on murder charges. Black will have Barch subbing for Jeff “Van Man” Green and also will be missing Gene, ChooChoo, Matt, Adam, Amitai, Jenn, X and Sara this week, necessitating the usual array of random subs. Justine and Karsten are confirmed in while I will try to scrounge up some additional last minute horses for black so no one collapses and/or vomits on the court mid-game (that’s what Dorrian’s is for). Red was one of the preseason favorites to win the title but have possibly been the most inconsistent of all the teams so far. Nasty Nate has proven to be an inspired 1st round selection but they’ll need their depth players to step up in this one if they’re going to have any shot at getting the #4 seed. Against Gabe, Brad and Jenn’s Boobs, I’m not sure if it’ll be enough. Cup Size is in 1st for a reason and for one more week, the king will stay the king. Bet on black and then come to the bar to spend your winnings on Fireball.

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