My Cup Size Is Stanley (-120)
Sex Panthers (-120)
Over 6.0 (-120)
Under 6.0 (-120)
Notes: It’s been two long weeks since we played together and at long last, our rain delays have thankfully subsided (at least for the time being). Commissioner Bowl opens the action tonight as the top two teams in points per game collide; Cup Size, with 7 points in 3 games, meets the Sex Panthers, they of 8 points and just as many orgasms in 4 games. Lot of absences for both sides: Hogg is out for black while blue will be without the services of Kelsey, Jon, Alex Rickard and Zach Weiner. Waldman has been nursing some creaky knees for weeks but is amped up and ready to get a piece of league leading GAA holder Max who will be looking to build on his impressive start to the season. Cup Size’s success this season has been twofold: lowest GAA for Max and the most goals per game in the league as they are the only team that averages more than 4 a game. However those #s are somewhat juiced by a 6-1 win over the Spicy Tuna Rolls that generated almost unheard of levels of controversy and made running this league pretty painful for several weeks thereafter. Alex v Ariel is the eternal Soviet battle the fans love to see but sharp gamblers will be all over speculating on Austin’s return the way Austin speculates on meme stocks. Is he going to come back in elite cardiovascular shape after living at altitude for almost a year or has he completely forgotten the rules of hockey? How has sleeping in a van affected the health of his back? Did anyone teach him how to chug a beer at a reasonable pace in the past year? Questions abound but if The Wire taught us anything besides the futility of the war on drugs and the sinister influence of institutions in modern life it’s this: you come at the king, you best not miss.” Bet on Mr King to score in his season debut and on blue to give black their first L of the season.
BONUS PROPS
First Period Line
My Cup Size Is Stanley (-120)
Sex Panthers (-120)
Over 1.5 (-130)
Under 1.5 (-110)
Most Points In Game
Ariel + Neil (-115)
Alex + Austin (-125)
Most Points In Game
Alex + Austin + Rockoff + Ryann (-130)
Ariel + Neil + Ramy + Tash (-110)
Crimson Wave (-110)
Spicy Tuna Rolls (-130)
Over 6.0 (-125)
Under 6.0 (-115)
Notes: At long last, the first edition of the UES Cup comes to the shores of D5. It’s not quite as prestigious as the Fireball Bowl but they do have a repurposed 2nd place Feasterville Trophy and a lot of bragging rights on the line. History lesson: in Fall 2019 Meg was on the Puffins and although not a captain her team put up an impressive 9 goals to beat the Purple People Eaters 9-2. Meg was not the captain of that team but she definitely had the most fun anyone has possibly ever had in hockey history, playing on a line with Luke and generally ruining Jack’s day. I honestly have never seen her run as fast as she did here, with her team already up by like 5 goals and she’s just burning Purple’s defense to a loose ball in the offensive zone. No one else is even in the frame.
That game also featured an incredible new defensive technique employed by Jack which I absolutely must learn before our next tournament. Then again maybe not since his team did give up a league record 9 goals.
As captains these two have only met once: the one and only week of the Spring 2020 season. While those games will not count for all-time stats or records as coronavirus took a massive dump on the chest of all of our 2020 plans, it should be noted that though Jack’s team was favored, Meg tied a league record with 6 points in the game (3 goals and 3 assists) as they absolutely smoked the Tuna. It’s tough to bet against the actual Wave and their uber motivated captain in this one but without SBJ in the lineup, will they have the firepower to get a few past famously suave goaltender Corey? With two weeks to regroup from a tough OT loss and a locker-room shakeup giving the bench a much-needed wakeup call, I’m still looking at red to pick up their first victory of the season, even without cowardly McQuade, and claim the inaugural UES Cup showdown.
BONUS PROPS
First Period Line
Crimson Wave (-120)
Spicy Tuna Rolls (-120)
Over 1.5 (-135)
Under 1.5 (-105)
Most Points In Game
Meg (-110)
Jack (-130)
Most Points In Game
Meg + Sully + ChooChoo (-135)
Mike T (-105)
My Cup Size Is Stanley (-125)
The Goaldiggers (-115)
Over 6.0 (-110)
Under 6.0 (-130)
Notes: Cup Size plays their 2nd game of the evening against a Goaldiggers squad searching for a bounceback. White was described by many as the preseason favorite and backed that up by winning their first two games against the Hooligans. Their doubleheader last time we had games turned sour as a late 2-1 lead turned into a 3-2 OT loss on Rockoff’s legendary goal and then the Hippos won 5-2 on the strength of four goals by the Skinniest Braun in the league (apologies to Florian who is in California and not reading this post anyways). Despite that, the diggers are still 3rd in the standings and could end up as high as 1st place after tonight although that would require a win over black in regulation, black beating blue in regulation and red beating purple in regulation. All these things happen and the diggers are tied in points with Cup Size while holding the regulation win tiebreaker. A loss and a Hippos win later in the evening, however, drops them all the way to 5th. Such are the razor-thin margins involved in a draft league of alcoholics. Guido and Tarnow are always a potent combo with their 20+ years of playing together unrivaled by any combination this side of the Sedins but Ariel is a student of the game and has been playing for way more than 20 years as evidenced by his high hockey IQ and bald head. Wild card in this game will be Zisser, subbing in for Casca. Can he give the diggers the support they need or is he going to be stuck at the XS pool party and force Dan Burns to suit up in net? I for one would love to see a world renowned chef between the pipes – the livestream footage of a goalie using an oven mitt for a glove and a frying pan as a blocker would set league viewership records. But let’s hope Zisser shows up and we get a close game. I’m ripping the under and praying to god I don’t see any spatulas in net come puck drop.
BONUS PROPS
First Period Line
My Cup Size Is Stanley (-125)
The Goaldiggers (-115)
Over 1.5 (-115)
Under 1.5 (-125)
Most Points In Game
Ariel + Neil (-105)
Guido + Tarnow (-135)
Hungry Hippos (-145)
Green Street Hooligans (+105)
Over 6.0 (-135)
Under 6.0 (-105)
Notes: The primetime game this week is a true matchup of titans. Not of industry, or even of hockey really, but of dead lifts and sleeve destruction as Hicks and the Hippos take on Rich and the Hooligans (does it feel weird to say Rich and the Hooligans considering that team has Probert, Cherie and like 9 better players? Most definitely). Before their recent rivalry Rich has described Hicks as “incredibly strong” and “perhaps the best sleeve ripper I’ve ever seen.” Both statements are accurate as the way Meatbox rips sleeves in one shot is unlike anything I’ve ever seen as is the way mid-level broomball players try to hit him and end up bouncing off with the type of sad resignation normally reserved for Richard Nixon. There are a ton of intriguing storylines in this one: Braun v Angry Probie, the two leading scorers in the league this season. Can Braun complete his insane comeback story and take 1st in the scoring race? Hicks v Angry Probie, the two leading scorers in league history who currently sit at 41 and 40 goals respectively in the all-time scoring race. Is this the week Probert takes the crown back? Cherie v Shelly, arguably the two best female players in New York and possibly the world. Pags and Mikey v Russo and Solgon in a Poutine Civil War. Glanzer v Yehuda in the battle for 14th round supremacy (Yehuda wins). So much spice here but the questions for me are three fold:
1) Which veteran netminder will step their game up in front of the late night primetime audience, deLacy or Dave GDR?
2) Will Glanzer, deLacy, deLacy’s stick, deLacy’s restraining order, anything be able to move the Meatbox out of the creasebox?
3) Is Glanzer’s nephew a real person and is he actually making his league debut tonight? And if so, does he know what hockey is?
Green’s looked like a much improved team these past few weeks and Rich/Governor Andrew “Fuck Yo Grandma” Cuomo seem convinced the nephew is playing tonight but against a hungry and super motivated Hippos squad, that may not matter. Look for Shelly, Brad and the Josis to stifle the Hooligans’ angry attack and establish a bit of cushion between themselves and the 6v7 play-in game.
BONUS PROPS
First Period Line
Hungry Hippos (-120)
Green Street Hooligans (-120)
Over 2.0 (-110)
Under 2.0 (-130)
Most Points In Game
Josi Bros (-130)
Probie + Cherie (-110)
Most Points In Game
Glanzer + Nephew (-105)
Yehuda (-135)