1) Red Zeppelin
Previous Rank: 1 (unchanged)
Average Rank: 2.0
Highest Rank: 1
Lowest Rank: 4
Standard Deviation: 1.20
1st Place Votes: 4 of 8
Comments: Tons of movement throughout the ranks but red maintains their hold on #1 for the third straight week despite losing to the Hippos in a shootout. Colleen and Joe are clicking and Corey’s having his best season in years. That said, the eventual breakup of the Weaver Bros as team leading scorer Carter goes back for his senior year of college (yes, I am serious) looms large for the Zeppelin.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Does anyone else get tired of Nate’s constant “coaching”/yelling? The Weaver Broz ©️ are carrying this team. When Carter leaves, this team will fall apart. Tarnow continues to underperform after his 100th point. Bring back the Jew fro Nate.“
“To quote that DJ who always yells his name, ‘we the best.'”
2) Hungry Hippos 2.0
Previous Rank: 3 (up 1)
Average Rank: 2.63
Highest Rank: 1
Lowest Rank: 4
Standard Deviation: 1.06
1st Place Votes: 1 of 8
Comments: Similar to red, the Hippos have a big personnel loss looming as Amit is moving to DC in a couple weeks but by the time he leaves, thanks to a front-loaded schedule and somehow not being affected by any game cancellations so far this season, they will have played 8 or 9 of their 10 games. They will also presumably have Jack back by then but it seems like his body is falling apart at age 28. Sad.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Somehow they get it done. Not sure if they have what it takes to go far in the playoffs though.”
“I’m annoyed they haven’t given up more goals. When does Amit leave?”
3) Blueberry Bulldogs
Previous Rank: 3 (unchanged)
Average Rank: 3.63
Highest Rank: 2
Lowest Rank: 5
Standard Deviation: 1.41
Comments: The general consensus seems to be that no one is overly impressed by blue, but since we haven’t lost a game yet people can’t really rank us too low. The worst anyone’s had to say was Simon told me our schedule is soft at which point I had no choice but to point out that 50% of our games have been played against him, at which point he spent the entire morning explaining why he’s better than me. The line for our upcoming tennis match is Simon +350.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Ya’ll keep winning so you must be good I guess.”
“Would be higher but small sample size.”
4) Julie’s Football Club
Previous Rank: 2 (down 2)
Average Rank: 4.0
Highest Rank: 1
Lowest Rank: 6
Standard Deviation: 1.77
1st Place Votes: 1 of 8
Comments: Orange wins their lone game since the last edition of the power ranks 3-2 over the Llamas, but still moves down 2 spots in the rankings because life is unfair, as my Soviet father told me several times during my childhood. Not entirely sure why they got ranked as low as 6 but considering AJ’s only played one game (a shutout), they’re in good shape heading into Tash’s midseason sabbatical.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“I don’t care what the standings say, I think they’re a good playoff team / find ways to win.”
“Blah blah blah Jule is a great GM, but was also gifted the most dynamic female player in the league blah blah blah.“
5) Vegas Golden Knights
Previous Rank: 8 (up 3)
Average Rank: 5.63
Highest Rank: 1
Lowest Rank: 10
Standard Deviation: 3.07
1st Place Votes: 1 of 8
Comments: Vegas has been all over the place with a monster standard deviation of ranks. They started the season at #2, dipped to 8 last week and are back in the top 5 after a 7-0 win over the Mensches. The defense is rolling, the Campbell Bros are giving the Weaver Bros a run for their money, and Jeff Green and Robyn are closing down Hakkasan every night. No word on if the free lap dances offer applies to the D5 Cup or just Lord Stanley though.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Lost to a good Melrose team 4-0, and then beat the Mensches 7-0. Suffice to say, I have no clue if this team is good or bad.“
“Some serious firepower on that team. A healthy Fitz with the Campbell Bros is pretty scary.“
6) Shooting Blancs
Previous Rank: 5 (down 1)
Average Rank: 6.13
Highest Rank: 3
Lowest Rank: 8
Standard Deviation: 1.46
Comments: The Blancs played four games from June 6 to June 13 but thanks to the 23rd being cancelled and Simon’s request not to play the 27th, they haven’t had a game since. Unsurprisingly, they’re stuck right in the middle of the power ranks which is probably where they belong. The next 8 days bring matchups with MelRose, JFC and the much requested grudge match against Yehuda. Also Yehuda is already trying to back out of his basketball game against Simon, which was his own idea. Why is everyone trying to play sports with Simon? Oh that’s right – he’s an ATHLETE.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“They haven’t played a game in forever and their schedule so far is 2 against red, blue, and tie dye. Their strength-of-schedule is probably highest so far of any team (maybe on par with purple).”
“They haven’t played since the last power rankings but somehow Simon is still wiping the floor with Yehuda.“
7) Merry Pranksters
Previous Rank: 7 (unchanged)
Average Rank: 6.38
Highest Rank: 1
Lowest Rank: 10
Standard Deviation: 2.92
1st Place Votes: 1 of 8
Comments: Pranksters lose a tight game to Hubba Bubba but then absolutely smoke the Hooligans 6-1, leading to a week-long roasting of Yehuda that was incredibly satisfying for all involved (except maybe Yehuda). The vibes around this team are immaculate, their goalie hasn’t played a game yet, Derek has two hat tricks in three games and Hilary was just promoted to co-captain where she will bring some much needed business bitch attitude to balance out Gelman’s happy wanderer. Tomorrow’s doubleheader against purple and red is going to be a huge test for this teams ability to compete against the upper echelon of the league.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Derek is goated.”
“This team has proved they’re more than just Derek. But also they’re fucked when Derek leaves.“
8) MelRose Place
Previous Rank: 6 (down 2)
Average Rank: 7.75
Highest Rank: 4
Lowest Rank: 10
Standard Deviation: 2.25
Comments: An up-and-down season for MelRose continued with a 3-0 loss to the Hippos, although one player on yellow described black as “the best team in the league.” It’s far from a bad loss but for the 4th season in a row MelRose seems like they should be a stronger team than their standings position indicates. That said, Mikey’s leading the Leetch race, Dom’s still getting used to ball hockey and Storer has yet to really take over a game the way he does in tournaments. When everything clicks, they could be a dangerous team.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“They have all the pieces, they just need to figure out where they go.”
“It seems Mel is more concerned with making sure everyone on the team gets stickers than on the outcome of the games. Mikey Marron has given up trying to place defense in the hopes of winning the scoring title. Can someone fix DRo’s glasses please?“
9) The Lavender Llamas
Previous Rank: 9 (unchanged)
Average Rank: 8.38
Highest Rank: 5
Lowest Rank: 11
Standard Deviation: 2.0
Comments: Before the season Annie and Hicks agreed to a 3 game series between the Llamas and the Hippos which would be entitled “The Kingdom Cup.” This was a continuation of purple and black’s annual request to play as many games against each other as possible but with the added twist of Jack now being on black and playing against the franchise he has led since 2019. I’ve heard that for his return there will be no banner raising, no golden stick ceremony, not even a shitty little scoreboard video. Anywho, lavender may regret that scheduling request now as the Hippos appear to be one of the top teams in the league and the Llamas have had lineup issues all season. I still think they will eventually figure it out but early season absences by Phelps (one game played) and Pags (zero games played) have put them in a bit of a standings hole. That said, Andrew has been a great late round sleeper pick and Annie has five assists already. They should be fine.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Pags injury is crushing.”
“Wtf why are they playing black 3 times.”
10) Hubba Bubba
Previous Rank: 11 (up 1)
Average Rank: 8.63
Highest Rank: 7
Lowest Rank: 10
Standard Deviation: 1.06
Comments: The good news is pink is tied for second in the league in scoring with four goals per game. The bad news is they’re also tied for the second worst defense in the league with five per game against. Getting Eli back from an early season sabbatical will surely help but if they can’t keep the ball out of their net, this season could spiral as fast as last year’s horny brigade (but presumably without all the lawsuits).
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Doing better than I expected tbh.”
“The Neil/Stern combo is deadly. But it feels like it’s all they have. The D needs to help out.”
11) Green Street Hooligans
Previous Rank: 10 (down 1)
Average Rank: 11.13
Highest Rank: 10
Lowest Rank: 12
Standard Deviation: 0.64
Comments: The biggest problem for last season’s Hooligans was that they kept winning games but for some reason no one respected them as a contender, even as they finished the regular season in 2nd place. This season they’re once again not getting much respect, but that’s also because they’re losing games in spectacular fashion. Since a season opening 5-2 win over the Mensches that doesn’t look quite as impressive now, they’ve lost 7-0 to orange, 6-1 to tie dye and were down 3-1 to blue after one period before being saved by rain. It’s looking to be a rebuilding year for the Hooligans but I still think there’s far too much talent on the roster to be ranked last by multiple people. I can’t believe I’m saying this but they really need Glanzer to come back and give their D some structure if they’re to have any chance of avoiding this seasons NBA-style play-in tournament.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Tough times have fallen upon the Hooligans under new management. Ben Probert needs to pull a Mario Lemieux and come out of retirement.”
“Disgraced.”
12) The Mighty Mensches
Previous Rank: 12 (unchanged)
Average Rank: 11.75
Highest Rank: 11
Lowest Rank: 12
Standard Deviation: 0.46
Comments: Since the last edition of these ranks the Mensches got taken to the woodshed 7-0 courtesy of Vegas even though they actually were outplaying Vegas for the first few shifts before some bad penalties and worse penalty killing let the game get away from them. The effects of not playing any hockey in nearly a decade have clearly been tougher than most assumed but I still think this team is trending up and closer to a win than you probably think. Also multiple players who have subbed for them described it as the most fun sub experience they have ever had. Team CEO Avery Teplow described this as “the low point of the Mensches’ 30 for 30,” then in a shock move immediately appointed cigarette aficianado / aspiring male model Ami Cohen as co-captain. Fans from the Upper East Side to Tel Aviv are buzzing over what’s in store for Jews all over the world in the second half of the season.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“They’re Jewish and good at ball hockey, but that describes half of this league. Get some gentile Canadians in the mix and then we’ll talk.”
“This team sounds fun. Good to see at least one group of adults in this league that doesn’t treat it like they are playing in the NHL.”
“Seeing this team play makes me smile. They have fun. They play the right way. I know they aren’t winning games, but Freys gamble seems to have paid off. D5 is better off with the Mensches.“