Jess was feeling left out of the weekly previews so she has made her return as my annual #collab partner. Of course, she couldn’t do it without throwing shade at Simon first, which is more than ok.
Hungry Hippos 2.0 (-200)
The Lavender Llamas (+150)
Over 6.0 (-130)
Under 6.0 (-110)
Alex: The third matchup in this seasons Kingdom Cup kicks off the penultimate regular season Tuesday as the Hippos face the Llamas with each team having one victory in the series. Unfortunately both teams will be suffering heavy personnel losses in this one as the Hippos don’t have Satok while the Llamas are, as usual, missing over half their roster including Phelps, Sam and Pags but getting some quality subs like Kelsey and Goalie Simon. This line roughly translates to the Hippos having a 65/35 edge over the Llamas which I think is about right – that said, I heard purple has this incredible player who was going to play goal last week, who Nate Lerner was ready to bet against in an all-time bout of sexism and who is going to make me and Jack watch the Barbie movie then have an in-depth discussion on modern gender dynamics. Honestly, sounds like the worst date of my life.
Jess: There is NOTHING the Barbie movie can’t fix. Except Nate’s sexism. The Llamas might be suffering from the curse of the first round pick this season but I’d be remiss to point out the games where we’re missing a solid chunk of our lineup have been pretty dang close. Also I think Jeff is in jail in Costa Rica and Amit moved and Jack promised me he’d play righty for my birthday so I think we’ve got a good shot.
Alex: You think Jack’s telling the truth? He tells me on a weekly basis that you have to cheat to win and had a baseball coach that was arrested in high school. I’m not sure he’s the most reliable source here.
The Mighty Mensches (+2.5 Goals) (+135)
MelRose Place (-2.5 Goals) (-175)
Over 6.0 (-130)
Under 6.0 (-110)
Alex: Unlike most Tuesdays when they actually have a good deal of their roster in, the Mensches only have six rostered players coming which is certainly not what their god ordered. They’ll be getting subs. I can’t promise they’ll all be Jewish.
Jess: Funny thing about the Mensches is when they have subs it’s been a pretty close game, especially when you consider the talent in the league.
Alex: I have much love for the Mensches, and not just because they remind me of cousins I had or guys who were in AEPi in college. They play hard and they’re super pleasant. But with MelRose having a close to full lineup, they’re simply overmatched here, even after I give them some sexy subs. Also don’t cancel me for calling the subs sexy, I’m referring to their hockey talent and not necessarily their sexual prowess (although in some cases, it might be both).
Jess: One time I threw up in the back of an AEPi pledge’s car when I was visiting my friends at UConn freshman year. RIP to his backseat. Nice guy tho!
Alex: That poor poor man. Anyways MelRose players are now calling out of the game, possibly because they have to work late, possibly because they’re afraid Jess is going to throw up on them. This game might be closer than you think but MelRose should still win. Here’s more Barbie content for the people.
Merry Pranksters (+120)
Julie’s Football Club (-165)
Over 6.0 (-120)
Under 6.0 (-120)
Alex: Julie is missing a bunch of players from middle of the lineup (Brett, Reid, Evan, Mike) but seems to have her big guns in: Kev, Jo, Dave, Tash and AJ. But it turns out the Pranksters are going to be missing Derek who told Gelman he had a “last minute trip to the Dominican Republic.” I cannot even describe how shady that sounds. Pranksters in trouble here, especially if Derek comes back without his large intestine.
Jess: While I love the Kenergy Derek brings to the pranksters, they will need to learn to survive without him if this ‘last minute trip’ spills into playoffs. Actually I take it back, Derek isn’t giving Ken, he’s giving Barbie and Sam is his Ken. REGARDLESS, their lack of offensive firepower will make it hard to score with Tash (and I guess Kev) on defense but I think it will be equally difficult for orange in tie-dye’s d zone.
Alex: That meme disturbed me to my very core. This line just shows how valuable Derek is to the Pranksters. With him in, they were set to be -150 favorites. Without him, they’re +120 underdogs and I’m pretty sure they’re losing tonight. I’m going to move on before I spend any more time staring at this meme. Day ruined.
Green Street Hooligans (+3.0 Goals) (+140)
Red Zeppelin (-3.0 Goals) (-180)
Over 6.5 (-125)
Under 6.5 (-115)
Alex: In my opinion, easiest matchup of the night to handicap. Green has a tendency to play hard, go down a few goals and then immediately fold like a cheap suit. Red should win, and by a bunch of goals.
Jess: I had the unfortunate horror of hearing Yehuda give his pregame speech and let’s just say I’ve never heard anything more demotivating in my life. Maybe let Amanda or Rich stick to the speeches. Green has some quality talent so I’m going to attribute their lack of wins solely to bench management. While I’d love specifically to see Nate lose, it’s not looking good for Green.
Alex: I heard that speech as well and the crux of it seemed to be “if you love your captain, then fight for him.” I think Yehuda failed to heed the simple lesson of George Costanza saying I love you – don’t say anything if you’re not confident in the return, because if you’re wrong, that’s a pretty big matzah ball hanging out there.
Vegas Golden Knights (-180)
Hubba Bubba (+140)
Over 5.5 (-120)
Under 5.5 (-120)
Alex: The last time these teams played Hubba held on for a 3-2 win on the back of some crazy Simon saves. This week Vegas probably gets AJ and Hubba gets Simon again. Can he lead them to victory again? Try to answer that question without bias as I know you’re jealous of all the publicity Simon’s been getting in these betting lines since he sends me unsolicited opinions every week, like clockwork.
Jess: I think Vegas will be in the finals this year (insert betting terminology I refuse to learn – hammer the under???) HAMMERING THE UNDER ON THEM.
Alex: Does that mean you think they’re not scoring many goals tonight or do you need me to mansplain the difference between totals and moneylines?
Jess: If you explain anything math or numbers to me I will instantly forget it so don’t bother. My brain needs to hold more important things like memorizing the entire script to Barbie. But before my writing was so rudely interrupted (smh men) I was going to say I still think this will be a close game between pink and gold with gold having a goaltending advantage (no offense all the offense, Simon)
Alex: As if Simon wasn’t sad enough after being shut out of this COLLAB, now his goaltending skillz have been insulted. And just a week after Annie put up four goals on him. He told me he was amazing with women, prompting me to call him Don Juan Desjardins, but seems like the purple women are the bane of his existence. Sad.
….BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE!
Jess thought I forgot it was her birthday today. Truthfully, I did. But then I remembered that she did email me about it last week and…well…maybe that’s why she didn’t remind me of it today.
Happy birthday! I’m still not sure if we’re friends but we gchat multiple times a week and collab once a season and truthfully maybe that means more. Also enjoy this meme someone sent in to commemorate this joyous occasion.
