Red Eyed Peas (-120)
Big Deke Energy (-120)
Over 9.0 (-120)
Under 9.0 (-120)
Notes: The Lonely Island themed betting lines for week 4 were so well received that I had to bring them back. And by well received I mean a few people liked them and they made writing thousands of words about rec ball hockey games more bearable for me. Anyways, after a sub negotiation that took years off my life we have the nights first matchup between red and yellow. Jacob Green sits in two of the top three spots in the league GAA list but he’s out for this one, replaced by Dave GDR in net while Cara is replaced up front by Annie. Yellow will have Caitlin subbing for Lily but otherwise have most of their top players in for this one and are ready to get back at it after they were the only team not to play Tuesday night (at their request). This is a tricky game to handicap as red is missing their top draft pick and Campbell has to leave at some point during the game, although Nate and Tarnow will no doubt convince him to stay as long as possible if the game is close. I have this game graded as a total toss-up. Legit no idea how this will go.
Bonus Lines:
More Points In This Game
Tarnow (-110)
Ryan Levine (-130)
Lonely Island Video This Vaguely Resembles: It could only be one as this sub negotiation very much felt like a swift kick to the balls. Also legit no idea how they convinced Tom Hanks to do this one.
96th Street Bastards (+2.5 Goals) (-120)
Shooting Blancs (-2.5 Goals) (-120)
Over 8.5 (-145)
Under 8.5 (EVEN)
Notes: All morning I was being given black’s roster and it included someone named Zan. Who the hell is Zan? Apparently it might be Merone or it might be an alias to someone I don’t know. Regardless, black is heavily shorthanded and will have Yehuda subbing because it’s fun to mess with Amanda. White also has a few players missing like Simon and Storer (who combined for like 9 points on Tuesday) but with Satok as acting captain and the new favorite to win the league scoring title when prop lines are updated this weekend, they still have to be favored by multiple goals in this one. And so they will be. Blancs by 3.
Bonus Lines:
More Points In This Game
Ariel + Alex Merone (+135)
Adam Satok (-180)
Lonely Island Video This Vaguely Resembles: Amanda was wondering all morning who her sub would be. But when she opened her present…it was just Yehuda’s dick in a box.
Jewish Golden Calfs (-135)
Big Deke Energy (-105)
Over 8.0 (-110)
Under 8.0 (-130)
Notes: Malik makes his debut in gold but Tash remains out for the Golden Calfs along with the Mosko-bros. They have Sonj subbing in net who becomes I believe the 3rd lady to ever play a full game in goal in this league (after Becca and Meg), but certainly has more credentials as a Women’s A tier goaltender. Meanwhile yellow ices the same lineup as game one except since Caitlin is on the Golden Calfs they get a different sub for this one, TBD right as the game starts and I remember that I’m supposed to get someone. When I look at the rosters I would think yellow has a better squad showing up tonight. But I’ve been higher on gold than anyone this year, and even I thought they’d lose on Tuesday and instead they smoked pink 5-1. And they have Malik in for this one and a Women’s A goalie. I’m going to rate this as a toss-up as well but with a slight edge to gold who has a chance of ending the night in 2nd place. And just to show how much fortunes can turn in a single night – yellow, who is in 8th place out of 9 teams, can also finish the night in 2nd place with two regulation wins (and some help). Also Jack might become the first person to ref in goalie pads. It will be a sight to behold.
Bonus Lines:
More Points In This Game
Minsky (EVEN)
Joe Magosin (-145)
Lonely Island Video This Vaguely Resembles: If I had to pick a candidate for most likely to hook up with someone in this league’s mom, it’d probably be Ryan.
Shooting Blancs (+120)
On Tuesdays We Wear Pink (-160)
Over 7.5 (-110)
Under 7.5 (-130)
Notes: Pink’s goalie situation is still up in the air at time of publication. Could be AJ, could be Zisser, could be Sonj the Women’s A ringer. What’s certain is that they will have Ryann playing the whole game and unlikely to cross the red line except when she first walks onto the rink. The Blancs have a solid crew but are definitely missing some firepower with Simon and Storer out. I think pink has to be favored in this one but I’m not that confident in it – who the hell knows how this will go. This game is also being reffed by Amanda. May god have mercy on our souls.
Bonus Lines:
Jackuum To Record Double Shutout
Yes (+3000)
He told me this line should be even money but I’ll give yes bettors some incentive here.
Lonely Island Video This Vaguely Resembles: Jeff Green claims to be in Wyoming but at heart he’s pretty much Jack Sparrow, perpetually on a mystical quest to the isle of Tortuga.
This video also low key has maybe the best actual rap line in Lonely Island history
Watch it girl, cause I ain’t your Mr Nice Guy
More like the meet you, take you home and fuck you twice guy
Seriously, who says chivalry is dead?
Bada Bing (-1.5 Goals) (-145)
Merry Pranksters (+1.5 Goals) (EVEN)
Over 8.0 (-105)
Under 8.0 (-135)
Notes: These are the only two teams in the league with a less than 1 PPG average in the standings but one of them has to win this game (in theory) and it is a huge one for each. Escaping the 8/9 matchup is pretty big for playoff seeding and the loser of this match is probably locked in there. The Pranksters are once again super short and have a hodgepodge lineup that will likely require last minute subs. I’m not sure who’s in for Bing but Jack Annie and Zisser definitely are and I think that should be enough. A close one to finish the night and a high variance one at that, but I’m taking purple’s big game experience to carry them to a W.
Bonus Lines:
More Points In This Game
Jack + Annie (-150)
Gelman + Joel (+105)
Lonely Island Video This Vaguely Resembles: Last game of the night on a Friday – always a random shitshow with a bunch of random subs from previous games. Kind of like this 100th Digital Short. Bieber legitimately looks like a kid. Now he’s at NHL All-Star Weekend for some reason. Anyways, see ya tonight.